I am bad at this....

I have fallen down on the blogging again. Sorry to anyone who cares.  I just seem to feel that I should have something to actually say.  Which is silly.  I almost always have something to say, so here are my thoughts in case anybody cares.

I read a cute little sign today that said Middle Age: when you get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

I think that was a true and brilliant sign.  My body is still holding together but the wrinkles are starting to get me down.  So I started using a rich emollient night cream.  I had noticed no difference in the wrinkles when I had to  suffer through large, below the skin pimples. The kind that hurt all the time and stay forever, are you familiar?  Presumably from all the rich emollients, but there is not way to really pin it down.  

After about a week of having at least one large, below the skin pimple throb in rhythm with my heartbeat every time I so much as leaned over, I gave up on the night cream, questioning God on why I am still plagued by an adolescent's burdens.

This set me up perfectly for the Home Shopping Channel to show me some kind of machine that 'stimulates' your skin and apparently freezes it to make you look about 20 years younger.  OR at least as many years ago as you didn't have wrinkles, I guess it would depend on your age.  The demonstration was both miraculous and mesmerizing.  I can only hope is isn't actually some kind of machine that will shock my muscles into paralysis.  But even if it is and it works like it did on television I think I may still be very very happy.  At least about my appearance.

Anyway, it was a very reasonable price, so I picked up the phone, which if you have ever called them before, you already know that all you have to do after that is keep pressing 1 and presto zingo, your treasure is on it's way to your door.  There is no time for deciding or questioning your impulse.  This is the American way, although you can always get your money back with HSN.  I will not list the hoops you have to jump through, and I hope you never have to find out.  Just don't throw anything away and you will probably be fine.

Now all I have to do is live with the dread of spending even a very reasonable amount of money on something that may or may not work but at the very least may stop me from spending time or energy on the horrible pimples.  I mean really, people, I am fricking 47 now.  Still with the pimples?  I have to wonder if they are not some kind of sign from God that I am doing something wrong.  Or maybe a punishment from something I did when I was 14.  There must be a reason.  If I only knew what it was I would certainly fall into line, but no, I just wander around hoping nobody else can see very well anymore either.  And honestly, considering where I go and the people who are at those places, the odds are VERY GOOD that they can't see anymore either.  I always did hang out with people who were older than me, and all can do is congratulate myself on that.  Good on you, girl!  You have a very good seat to see what's coming attcha and at least some information on what you can possibly do about it!!

This is my comfort.  If it comforts you also, you should stay home all the time and then when you do go out only hang out with people who are older than you are.  We have to take our comforts where we find them, and I am telling you that you could do a lot worse.  You could probably do a lot better too, and if so I only wish you would contact me immediately.

I read a book about a woman the other day who was going through a stage where "she didn't feel like a mother, a writer (her job), or even much of a woman", these days, and I thought "Hmmm.  Other people feel this way too."  At least one other person, in this case Joyce Carol Oates, but it was just so good to know that SOMEBODY else had been where I seem to be at.  For the lady in the book this meant big changes.  I can only hope it portends the same thing for me.  One big help would be for me to be able to drag up any desire to do anything.  Yesterday I didn't really even eat anything.  It's like I'm languishing.  Remember Charlotte's web?  I always thought 'languishing' sounded so relaxing, and I can't say it's not.  It is a little scary to my head, but every other part of me just can't bring themselves to care enough to get up.  Perhaps Geritol is the answer I seek.  Do they still make Geritol? 

Will I care if they don't?  

I DOUBT IT!

Until then I will be awaiting the arrival of the miracle machine from HSN ( but not anxiously, because I just don't care that much).  After that I may be euphoric and re-charged (who am I kidding here?  Me or you?), or in a rage to get my money back and kicking myself in the butt for buying into the BS again (much more likely.  If you are a betting person, the odds are good here).

It could go either way, but probably both of these things will happen in exactly this order (truth).

The bright note of the week was when I tried to explain to some college student why it was not a good idea to raise the minimum wage again.  I asked him where he went to school but I should have just asked for his mother's phone number. Because whose fault would that really be?  The school's?  No.  Ultimately it is the parent's responsibility and all this finger pointing going on in this country is about to make me go postal.  Where are all the adults??  You may ask.  I can't help but think we are all wondering.

He backed away quickly in any case.  No doubt on a community organizing event, organized by his college, or "school", on the taxpayer's dime.   Sigh.......

Oh, and I had to laugh the other day at what 'scientists' have now termed "care-giver fatigue".  This is a 'syndrome' in which you become exhausted from caring for children and/or older parents, especially if you have both.  This is what we used to call 'life', of course, but now that they have made it a 'syndrome' no doubt drugs and therapy programs will follow.  Just cannot wait to see what they do with this.  Be warned, and stay sane, ladies and gentleman.  When they come to you, and you know they will, probably catching you by some random question on the questionnaire to get in to see the doctor, be ready to laugh in their faces and shout Poppycock!  Tell them that you are blessed to have so many people who love you and that taking care of them, while, yes, exhausting, is also the reason you are on this earth.  Tell them that to have someone else fulfill these 'obligations' would be a betrayal of the care these same people have given, or will give, to you, and you would not have it any other way.  Then question why they think the Dr., or the government (not much difference anymore) would even get involved in that.  THEN tell them the government may find more success if they stick to the defense of this nation and the highways.  If they can do that right that would be more than enough.  Really.  Be a responsible adult in charge.  It's a new concept I'm trying to get off the ground.  OK, it's an old concept.  Old as the world, actually, but to these kids now it's new again.  Carry the flag, pass the baton, give these kids some kind of security that there are adults in charge.  Please?

Another bright note is that in Missouri we are now into the normal mowing season.  I only mention this because we were forced to start mowing in March this year, as opposed to the more normal May, and this caused quite a lot of consternation on how to mow the grass but keep the flowers yet to bloom undisturbed. 

Of such small problems may all of your lives be made up of, until next time!

The Secret Of Life.....

I suppose that there as many 'secrets of life' as there are people, but for me it is learning to live in the moment.  One thing about getting older is you feel you have seen or heard about pretty much everything before, and you also know that most of the time, people will live through it and life will go on.  

I find it quite wonderful to be the one to say "There, there, dear, these things happen", rather than to be the one bawling and squalling and at the mercy of all the hormones running mercilessly through your body, along with the tears that seem to be your constant companion throughout your 20's and 30's.  I remember it as being just exhausting, even before I had children.  I must say, I do not miss it.   I find it quite hilarious to remember what I thought I needed to shield my mother and grandmother's from when I was younger.  As if they hadn't walked down that same road at least once and probably several times before.  What a waste!  It is the blessing and the curse of youth that one can be so self absorbed and completely unaware that it has all happened a million times before.  Well, they will learn.  A lot of it will happen to them, and they will live to tell the tale.  Not to anyone who will want to hear it, alas, but then that is what blogging is for.

This is what makes me glad to just be here, now, most of the time.  It was the lesson I learned while my mother was preparing to leave this earth.  When you find out that you ( or a loved one) have terminal cancer, and it's the worst thing you could possibly imagine, and you try to wrap your mind around that, you might think you would lose your mind.  You might wish you would lost your mind!  But no, you wake up in the morning and the world goes on.  You slowly come to realize that what is needed now is not frantic activity, but simple appreciation of the fact that you are alive today and look outside!  See what God has given you this day!  Feel the soft breezes, listen to the birds, the beauty of snow in sunlight can be mesmerizing.  It should be mesmerizing.  Whatever is going on in the world is going to continue, but so will the soft breezes, the birds, the snow and the sunlight.  This was my lesson and it became my mission for the rest of what remains of my life.  The trick is to appreciate what you have right now.  Spend time with quiet, and let yourself listen to God.  You might be surprised how much He will talk if you will just be quiet and listen to Him.  Talk about having seen it all before, you may have no idea....

I am back to regular life now that Abigail is gone this week.  My house is decidedly quiet with just two teenage boys, who keep looking around and letting the dogs in, as if it just seems wrong without someone to snuggle up with you.  It is wrong.  The dogs are in heaven.

I was thinking of all this last week, since I was on vacation with a 3 year old, I even took a vacation from the news.  I turned my back on it.  Was not speaking to it.  Did not care what happened.  You want to know why?  Because several times when I lost myself in such trivial details as cutting an orange into an even and perfect 8 slices, the sweetest little girl would come up and kind of melt into me, and say "Mimi?"

"Yes, my angel baby?"

" I luff you", she would reply, and I would lean down and swoop her up into my arms and I would rock her. She loves to rock, always has, and she likes Down In The Valley best, which I love also because I actually know all the words to several verses.  It is also incredibly easy to make up words if you forget, and they never know any different.  (wink wink)

And while I rocked her, (which I did a lot) I told her that even if she got big enough someday that I could not rock her anymore, she would never be too old to lay her head on my shoulder and tell me everything she  was glad or sad or mad about.  That she would never be alone.  That God was always with her even when she seemed to be all alone, and that there were so many people who loved her, even if they couldn't be with her all the time.

When we went to the park and she wondered where "all the people" were, (she is used to city living, poor thing, and seemed to be wondering where everybody was no matter where we went) and I caught myself worrying about whether today would be the day when Iran would finally achieve nuclear missiles and attack Israel once and for all, I looked down and saw this:

And made myself be here, now.

Instead of worrying about what my children's lives would be like ( they will only rent houses, never own, may possibly be led down the path of socialism and live like slaves, never be able to feed their children) I listened to laughter as I watched this:

And this:

And this:

When I told her she could pick all the yellow flowers out of the yard (dandelions), bless her soul, she filled up a whole little bucket!  She kept saying "These flowers are for the people!"  and I told myself that this was an extension of 'the people' she kept looking for everywhere and NOT some kind of socialist indoctrination delivered via some state funded daycare.  It's ok, her mother doesn't take her to daycare anymore.  She is running a daycare out of her home so that she can stay home with her children and I am so very glad to see the younger generation re-claiming the right to raise their own children.  They might have to fight for that right before long, but they are pretty tough and I have faith that they can win.

I told her we might be eating those before long and we laughed!  They all bloomed again the next day and she thought it was a miracle.  Who am I to say it wasn't?  Every day is a new day and so far the world is still here and there are children all around who would just LOVE to tell you some things if you will only listen.

I think it's the only way to save the world, not to mention America, which is kind of tied to the train tracks right now, not that I think you should let the stress get to you.  Breathe, just keep breathing and listening.   It is not rocket science, it just takes some time, which is still free so far.  Knock on wood.  We have to keep working at it one good deed at a time.  Is there a child unattended around your area?  Get to know them, you know some stuff, they can help you weed, rake, or burn leaves.  They just love to burn stuff!  They also like knowing there are nice adults around who listen to them, even when they don't think they have anything to say.  You will see their world through their eyes.  You will probably be amazed.

As I rocked, or picked flowers, or pushed her on the swing, I thought of the movie Finding Nemo.  Remember the part where they find the turtle and find out about the Gulf Stream?  They can't see it, but once they are in it, they can get where they are going much faster and easier.  You can't see it, but it's right there, and once you get in it you know it.  That is the secret of life, letting yourself be in it, having faith that it is there, right beside you, and all you have to do is let yourself find it, and it will carry you forward, to exactly where you are supposed to be.  It might not be where you thought you were going, but it will make you the person you are supposed to be.  With any luck, you will find it rocking a baby, but picking all the yellow flowers is good too.  Never forget to count your blessings, it's a great way of keeping things in perspective.  Spend quiet time listening, even if it's only to birds or the breeze.  

Just some advise from an old lady who doesn't know anything.  Wink wink.

Apron Strings

Last night I got my beloved Abigail Lea for 3 days and nights.  Immediately upon entering the house she caught sight of her apron and pronounced that it was hers.  I agreed.  She asked me to put it on her.  I did.  She wore it all night and then insisted on sleeping in it.  I thought this would be too confining, but danged if she didn't sleep in it and it was the first thing she thought about when she woke up.  Three year olds are amazing.  I happened upon this apron at the Salvation Army one Saturday and picked it up for 50 cents.  The ones I had were way too long for her, but this one was perfect and will be for several years, until she grows into mine. :)  You hardly see aprons anymore, so you have to pick them up when you find them!

She has the cutest little boots, which luckily coordinate quite well:

These boots, in addition to the apron ran down the water in the gutter for awhile this morning while Mimi was unconcerned about what time it was or whether anyone was getting dirty.

I took vacation for this and I needed it.  For three days I do not have to deal with government agencies or bill collectors illegally calling businesses in search of, well, who knows what.  Instead, I get to be Mimi for the next three days and do stuff like this:

Other than getting the boys to school on time and roughly feeding kids at least a couple of times a day, all I have to do is stuff like this:

And keep the apron clean, naturally.  Today it has already been washed twice.  The first time I told her to put it in the dirty clothes I discovered later that in Abigail's mind that is the dryer.  I found a couple of half-dry towels in the clean laundry basket TWICE before I figured out that she equated "dirty clothes" with dryer.  LOL  It made a certain kind of sense.

This was my view for most of the day.  We also made a pink lemonade cake with the same kind of icing, which was a big hit, and homemade pizza for supper.

From such simple things come peace and happiness for me.  A three year old child is old enough to give you a very good picture of what you are to them.  I think you have to get older before you realize that one of the best things you can ever be to a child is THE SAME.  

I think what Abigail loves here so much is that everything is always the same.  She will point to the sink and tell me that I used to give her baths there.  Which I most certainly did. She marvels at how small she must have been there, as she admits to not remembering it.   Then she says "I not a baby now, but I used to be."  Yes.  She is now a girl big enough for her own apron to catch soap suds, flying cake mixes, and tears.  She knows so much already and I know she is going to know so much more.  The most important thing to me is that she already knows where everything is in this house, what will happen here, and what will never happen here.

I will probably get in trouble from her mother, but tonight she was weaving some incredibly detailed story about how bad guys were after us and we had to hide. She wanted me to get up off the couch and go hide somewhere and this sounded like a lot of trouble to me.  So I told her there would be no hiding from bad guys in this house, pulled out an imaginary gun and shot the bad guys instead.  She thought that was a fine idea.  And honestly, I have to agree:  it does make a lot of sense.   Then she gave me a high five and told me we were the TEAM and we had WON.  Dang straight!!

Today I spent most of the day chasing apron strings.  Tomorrow, if it doesn't rain, we have a date with a pond and some horses.  Whether she will be wearing apron strings remains to be seen, but if she is I am sure it will come in handy.