Jan 12, 2011

Not Smoking - Everyone still alive

I have just completed one entire week smoke (but not nicotine) free.  After smoking for 26 years I have tried the electronic cigarette and found it to be a miracle!! 
You still can hold the cigarette in your fingers, which is a big thing with cigarettes, don't ask me why.  You get to inhale water vapor and nicotine!  You stay calm and do not fly into rages and embarrass yourself, break things or injure yourself kicking inanimate objects!  I am very impressed.
It has been a lesson in analysis, this quitting smoking.  For one thing, I haven't driven around in my car, in the winter, with the window up for 2 1/2 decades.  This is so embarrassing to say out loud, but it is the truth.  I am always cold, and hate winter, yet I have strictly made myself go outside to smoke for 20 years.  Someone who has no addiction would ask why anyone would do such stupid things.  I wish I had an answer, but I don't.  Because I was addicted mind, body and soul?  That is my answer.
One thing I have learned is that a lot of the time when I went out to smoke, I did it to get out of the situation I was in, not because I expressly wanted a cigarette.  It was just the perfect excuse, especially around people who didn't smoke, because that way THEY would stay away from ME, and I could get away from the crowd without ever hurting anyone's feelings. I am claustrophobic, but not to that extent.  I have used them to isolate myself for all of my adult life.  True story.  Smoking made me feel like I could cope better.  Like I was tough.  Like I was an adult.  And besides that, it got me away from all those pesky people who were honestly concerned with my health.  Nothing bothers a smoker like those people, I say, NOTHING!!
Now I smoke my little magic stick and laugh at myself because I feel silly doing it, but didn't feel silly smoking all those years while I was slowly killing myself. Like that wasn't silly? 
There comes a time when you are too old to fall for stupid bs anymore.
For me, that came between the ages of 40 and 45, but there is no set schedule. 
God works in mysterious ways, and while I have always been honest and forthright, I have not dealt with this very serious issue with myself.  I am very proud of myself for getting this far.  But I'm still stuck for an explanation of why I liked it so much.  I found it very comforting and reassuring, hard as that is to believe.  Maybe because my parents smoked.  In fact, during my childhood it seemed like everybody smoked and nobody thought anything about it.  I guess I considered it a mark of adulthood. 
The world has changed a lot. 
I guess it's time I finally got with the program.
I already feel so much better and I have to say my kids are just thrilled.
There is a bit of hope to lace today with.  I just started this and haven't done any of the fancy stuff yet.  Alas, my blog and myself are both works in progress.