Goin' To The Chapel........

We ended the year in style at a courthouse ceremony that legalized the new daughter we added to our family this year.  Yes, that is right.  Our Rockette finally carries the family name.  We still have a lovely wedding and reception to come, but we got the paperwork part taken care of.

It is my extreme pleasure to welcome our Rockette formally into our family.  

This woman just blows me away.   There is nothing that she cannot handle.  She worked all day on her "wedding day", came home, got ready herself, got our Charli-girl ready, remembered the ring, and the paperwork, out the door we went.  Into the bitter cold, on to the waiting, running and warm vehicle we went, when Turkey, the sweetest if most exasperating dog in the world, shot out the front door also.  The Rockette had the baby, the paperwork, the ring, and I was following loaded down with purses, diaper bag and coats, cussing Turkey all the way.  Turkey decided to jump into the vehicle but resist my serious attempts to capture and/or throttle him.  The Rockette assured me this was fine.  Not only did she stop everything she was doing and patiently, without even a bad word or wrinkle of her beautiful brow, capture the escapee and loving deposit him back into the house, but she did it all without being late to her own wedding.

I would have left that dog to fend for himself on the mean streets of Kansas City, Kansas until I decided to come home, but not our Rockette.  I knew she was good but I didn't even know how good.  Now I knew.  I think she must be an angel in disguise!

After that she zipped us through the kind of traffic that gives me hives like a pro.  All I had to to was ride in the back with my beloved Charli-girl.  I tried not to look at the traffic, or think about it either.  Instead I comforted myself with the thought that if I ever do become senile or get dementia that the Rockette would take good care of me.  Whether I know it or now, I know that she will take the best possible care of me without ever losing her temper and she won't forget any of the details.  I can truly trust this woman's judgement and rest easy knowing that if I forget some of the details, she is on the case.

Once at the courthouse, being the last to arrive, we had to go through a metal detector and have everything scanned.  I was about ready to sit down and cry by then, but she set a good example and I just followed along.  I marveled at who the adult was here, because it was not me.

A short ceremony followed, with just a few tears being shed, even by me, because this was such a happy occasion.  An occasion that we have waited for and were blessed to attend.  We got a few pictures afterwards, during which Charli tried to eat the wedding bouquet and learned that flowers are not for eating.

Due to the time, the courthouse was shutting down so we had to make our way to a particular door.  I never knew which one, I just followed the crowd.  We had to split into two elevators, and though our elevator was supposed to go to floor 1, a whole bunch of us ended up on floor 8, and had to try again once we realized our mistake.  If you must be lost, always do it with a crowd.  Safety truly is in numbers.

Eventually we all got to the door we were supposed to out and then all that remained was to try and find our cars in the bitter cold.  The Rockette did this also, owing to the fact that The Rock Star (and herself) have been sick for several weeks.  The Rockette deemed the Rock Star too sick to go find the car and faithfully brought it around while we waited in the warm foyer with our Charli girl secured in her car seat under some blankets.

We went to dinner, all of us strung out along a long table.  The Beautiful Redhead and Magic Man showed up along with some friends of the couple's from work.  I looked down at our two families, now joined as one, and thanked God that this couple had found each other and brought us all together for the rest of our lives.  Babies were passed around, everyone was smiling and visiting with each other.  My own Beautiful Redhead's laughter pealed out at one point, filling my heart and eyes with wonder and gratitude that we were all there in the moment.  Also thinking ahead to the day when we would once again be joined for her own wedding day.  I assume it will be the Magic Man she marries that day.  If not, a whole lot of hearts will be broken wide open because we love him too.

If any doubt remained that our two families were compatible, they were put to rest in a hurry when a rude, and quite possibly drunken woman yelled at my own Rock Star to "shut the damn door" while we were carrying stuff out after dinner.  The Rock Star is by nature a pretty mellow fellow, and he tends to get upset rarely but memorably like his mother.  Add to that the slow burn that may smolder for decades but never be forgotten, which he gets from his father, and you have a formidable enemy that looks so good and seems so nice you would have a hard time believing it until it happens to you.  3 of us followed him to the car, listening to the Rock Star rehearse what he was going to say to that woman all the way to the car, back through the restaurant and back to the room we had dined in, I was readying myself for true battle.  Not to worry though, I should have known The Rockette herself was handling that with panache in the time we were gone.  By that time the rude woman's date-or husband-or whatever, had told her she was embarrassing him, to which she indicated that she didn't give a damn about that either.   That poor man was doing all he could to make himself invisible.  All I wanted to say was "Have another drink, honey!", because I learned years ago that alcohol does not usually complement your basic personality or endear you to those who are not inebriated also.  The most you can hope for, I have learned, is that they pass out quickly.  Hence the phrase "Have another drink!"  And be quick about it!  Could I interest you in some grain alcohol?  Because we don't have all night!  The entertainment they provide, I must point out, cannot be replicated or topped by much that I have ever seen.  :D  

At any rate, I believe she rued the day she had let her mouth get away from her as 20 people bore down on her and quite effectively brought peace and order to that restaurant once again.  It was actually one of the funniest things I have ever been lucky enough to witness and I can report truthfully that our families are truly united, for better or for worse.  We rose as one, with even the babies paying attention.  We are in this together, come what may!  The enemy was vanquished in short order. 

It certainly ended the year 2014 on a memorable note.  That's all I've got to say about that!  I daresay no one who was there will ever forget it.  One marriage starting out strong, one possible marriage limping along.....if that "lady" was on a first date I doubt there will be a second.  Just saying.

Somehow I just know the wedding and reception will fall a little short on memorable episodes.  At least, that is my hope.  I suppose it is always best not to rule anything out.

So bring on 2015!  Here is to the first of many happy years with the new and formidable Mr. and Mrs. Clark, with all our love, good wishes and unquestionable support.  I just have the best feeling about this one.

It's about time you two had another dance on your old mom.  Love you both forever.

Hurrying Up and Waiting......

It's been such a strange spring, with the weather cooler than normal and a lot of wet, damp chill.  This has made my bones ache and left me feeling like time is not passing the way it should.  I have felt vaguely discomforted and been frustrated with a mind that won't stop turning while simultaneously being physically unable to move anything forward.  Nothing has been normal for a while now.  It hasn't been bad, but it just hasn't been normal.  Everything has been holding it's breath, waiting, suspended, and it's been a strain on me.

You know how it is?  You make all these plans, and then something or another happens and you are stymied, no matter which way you turn.  I think these times might be time-outs from God, so I use them.  I ask for signs and look for clues, search for patterns and proceed cautiously.  I watch.  And then, this time, I spent a couple of days on gravel roads with dear, old friends, and scouted wild flowers for transplanting and old windmills just because.  Just because we are still alive, and we used to do these things years ago, and it's been a long time since we took the time, and time is passing so fast and things are changing so much.

It's been a strange time, and I'm just talking specifically about my own personal realm.  I am not even going to bring up the state of the world, because I think we all know we are past a certain crossroads.  The fact that now we are going to have to listen to a bunch of people who will say they didn't know we were at a crossroads is not going to improve my mood, but that's beside the point now.  Whatever the future brings is headed right for us.  But enough, enough of that.  Back to small details, so much easier and healthier to obsess over.

Walking pneumonia brought us to a rather abrupt halt for a few weeks on the house, but I took that in stride by telling myself that if I would just learn to have some patience, God could quit giving me opportunities to develop more of it.  So I took deep breaths and have learned to mud and sand, sand and mud like a pro, if I do say so myself.  It still doesn't look like much, but if you close your eyes and just feel my walls they feel perfect, and will soon look that way also.  The walking pneumonia has been vanquished and now things should start moving very quickly indeed.  I don't really want to talk about the paint colors because I think I may have varied my selections a bit, but if this year has taught me anything it is this: that the colors of my walls will never have an important role to play in anyone's life, and thank God for that.  I couldn't take that kind of pressure.

And speaking of pressure, I don't want to put anyone under any, but our Charli-girl has already taken longer than I would like to get here!  Och! See how many opportunities I make God give me??????  I choose to believe this particular opportunity is comparable to, say, the final of the class, as opposed to just another test.  But I can be a stubborn wench and only time will tell.  I continue to work on this, and I know it could be worse. ;)

I have packed my bag, eagerly awaiting my Charli's arrival.  I often say her name out loud, in a sing-song voice, as if to pull her attention back to remembering to be born, like a reminder.  I want her to know she is anticipated, and no matter how scared she (or her mother, or her father for that matter) might be of what is coming, that it will be all right.  She will be loved and cherished every day that we have her here on this earth.  The Rockette has also been saying her name out loud, so that she will recognize her name by the time she gets here.  We call her together, with all our love, so she will be comforted and summon the strength to find her way.  I imagine both of them gathering their courage, taking the plunge, and going through that doorway

I haven't felt this way since I was about 11 and still got butterflies remembering that Christmas was coming soon.  It's been a real trip and it hasn't even gotten started yet.  I've been doing what I can, besides calling her out loud in case she's forgotten, I've been brushing up on my stories of the olden times, When I Grew Up, and telling The Rock Star that he better get ready, because he is about to fall in love for good.  He's about to be......gobsmacked with it!

1. gob·smacked

   ˈgäbˌsmakt/

   adjective

   BRITISHinformal

   1. utterly astonished; astounded.

   

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The Beautiful Redhead and The Magic Man both just had birthdays, which they celebrated amongst haunted wineries and Redwood trees.  I shot her a text the morning she turned 22 and only cried a little when I told her it was time for her to be the Queen of Her Own Life.  Watching her spread her wings and fly has been both gratifying and terrifying.  It brings to mind this song, which her grandmother also loved, and she comes from a long line of strong women who always Dance when they get the chance.  I got her more jewelry, because I can never not buy her jewelry, and because frankly, I never knew a daughter more delightful or more cherished.

It's so much fun when your kids get older and make their own lives.  We have been so blessed by these two new members who seem to fit so well.  For this reason, everyone should have children.  LOTS of them, because without them, what would you do?  And what difference would it make?  Huh?  At some point in your life  you will start to think about your accomplishments, you will take stock and I hope you are proud of your life when that happens to you.  I am.  I finally feel like an adult, and I am equal to the task.

What tomorrow holds remains a mystery, as always.  I am just patiently (the voice inside my head just snorted--I swear) waiting and taking time to mark how fast time is whirling now.  This is my life, and I love it so very much.  Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow!  :D

Charli's Magical Talisman.......Updated

Sorry this took so long but I had to figure out how to transfer pictures from my camera to my laptop and man, did it ever take me forever!!  Och!  But I did it.  Once again I have triumphed over technology that seems to be designed to destroy every shred of self confidence I have left.  But I've blogged before about how you should not expect anything to make sense........

Let's get to the good stuff.

Charli's Magical Talisman

Last weekend I loaded the twins in the car and headed to KC to meet The Rock Star, Rockette, The Beautiful Redhead and her smashing boyfriend, and my beloved Bonus Daughter.

The Rock Star and Rockette, Charli's parents.  This child is going to be beautiful!

We only got lost and turned around once, prompting the twins to throw caution to the wind and let their smart phones track our activity down a major interstate against our better judgement.  Good times.  It worked.  Not only did the technology work, but it prompted the twins to work together in tandem, with one watching the blue line and trying to figure out where we were going and the other one announcing where we were going from the googled directions.

Technology succeeded where I have failed many times.

This whole episode disturbed me on so many levels I promptly decided to block the whole thing out.

The Beautiful Redhead and her smashing boyfriend, who I hope she keeps.  I wuv him.

Luckily my bonus daughter, who keeps me on track (on the off chance that I am ever ON track) called to check on me.  Her wonderful husband talked me through yet another panic attack wherein I back-tracked for 15 miles and then let him convince me I was right the first time.

  Again.

This man has the patience of Job, and knowledge of all major thoroughfares of the greater Metro area, for which I am grateful.

We had a wonderful lunch, with only one little, our own Rosie- Pose, who looked at us suspiciously.  I promised her that her mother wasn't leaving and she seemed to relax.  :D

Practicing for the very very near future.

The Rock Star and Rosie charmed each other in equal measure.

I have to say she is very well behaved and did not even make very much noise.  I held out till we had eaten before I had to hold her.  That is very good for me.  Usually I cave right off and we all wear some food home.  I'm getting better.

This face has only been in my life for 17 months but I can't remember life without her.  Kids perform that neat trick all. the. time.

Then it was back to the house for the fun stuff!!  I told you I would figure out how to do this, and I did.  First simply go to Amazon.com and search for "crystal window hangings".  This will lead to maybe several hours sifting through great bargains and there is simply no telling where you might end up.  Have fun.  It's one of those things where you go into the zone, which we never, ever, feel until we start coming out of the zone and realize several hours of our lives have passed.

It happens.

No judgement here. 

Don't feel bad if you get lost in the possibilities.  What else are you supposed to do when there are still 3 long months until you get to hold your baby?

Pick the cheapest, fakest ones you can find, because weight will be an issue unless you want to hang a rod holder for these babies, which we did not.  The sun shines through them all just the same and I wanted good coverage, as this was a western facing window.

I used 25 for a 32 inch window plus one biggie for the middle.  I couldn't resist.  I'm glad I didn't, too.

That is the middle stone, with purple and teal blue stones stacked on top.  The picture doesn't do it justice, but it is well worth the 19.00 I paid for it. I highly recommend these for Christmas presents for the person who has everything.  Give the rainbows, says Melinda.  Rainbows every day!

How could that be bad?

We chose to simply put a tension rod (under $5) across the middle of the upper half of the window.  There are no frames around their windows, the windows are just set into the wall.  We did not want to drill extra holes in the plaster around, so we did went with this arrangement.  You could also lower the blinds if you wanted to so that the crystal hanging would always be exposed.

What a good looking man, if I do say so myself, and handy with tools, which is invaluable.

All the beaded strands came with little circles at the top, so it was simply a matter of choosing ribbons to hang them on and tying knots.  Even I could not mess that up!

It was as easy as anything I have ever done.  I'm avoiding hot glue since Christmas.......:D

The ribbons at the top really added a pop of color.

The Rockette picked three ribbons, a sheer light blue, a satin coral, and a trim in white with small flowers embroidered in pale colors. I just bought the whole little rolls of the ribbons for around $15.00. As the walls are a pretty purple already, the other colors really popped.

Isn't it great?

It didn't even take that long, but it was a good time with just "us girls" whispering and giggling while the boys watched basketball....or something.

I readied the window she will look out of.  The window where she will only see beautiful prisms of light emanating from, every afternoon and evening of her life.  She will think that is normal, that the world is a beautiful, light-filled place.  It is!  Oh Charlotte Marie, you are already so loved.

It's every bit as gorgeous as I thought it would be.

It was so good to see my children as grown-ups, with houses and significant others, forming new alliances.  It had been a long time since I had been in a group of people where the sexes separated and bonded.  For so long it's been me just being the mom and then just being the kids.  Finally I felt like just another member of the family instead of the head of it.  It was a great relief, and a lot of fun, to see my kids and their partners finding their footing with each other.  Secrets were shared, bets were placed on brackets, *some* teams were ridiculed.  I watched my Mizzou daughter's eyes light on Charli's embroidered PURPLE AND YELLOW (I cannot same the name, I'm sure if you are a sports fan you understand this) minky blanket and determinedly keep the smile on her face.

I couldn't help but smile.

Change is good.  And inevitable in life.  So she was going to have a niece from Kansas.  She had not yet thought of that, I could tell.

Watching her brother, and probably marveling at how they ever got this old......This is it!!  The Beautiful Redhead is about to be an Aunt!  And who knows what will happen next?

It didn't even take very long.  We should probably all have at least one of these.  I think it could only add to our lives, no?

And so another project found on Pinterest has led me to figure out how to do it myself.  Am I the only one who saves a bunch of pictures, only to find out they lead nowhere when I try to go to the site?  Ah well, not to worry.  We are Americans, and we are nothing if not determined and self sufficient.

Always leave a place better than you found it.

Check.

And so we settle down to wait, just a little longer.  Almost everything they really need is assembled and ready.  There are showers to look forward to, storage areas to be organized and miracles to look forward to.  I can almost guarantee there will *possibly* heated arguments about what need there is to keep every box of every accessory they get.  Compromises will be reached.  Adjustments will be made.  

I used to think the Rock Star's father was unique in this aspect of keeping empty boxes, but I have lived long enough to find that it seems to be a man thing.  At any rate, it's a Rock Star thing, and he will be ready, apparently, to box any item right back up and take it back, even if it's a baby bed.  Seriously, I do not think they can help it and it is actually just exactly like us saving empty jars and toilet paper rolls for crap that looked like a good idea at the time on Pinterest!!  It's just the way it is.

  Rockette, I give you this advice if you will accept it now:  just accept the empty box thing until he forgets about it.  Then hopefully you can tear them down and dispose of them without his noticing, at some date far in the future, when it won't matter anymore.  I should not tell you this on the internet but I know for a fact that this is the method used by numerous generations of women before us.  Honestly.  Because we know that those items will break right after the warranty is up, right?  And even if he was moved to box it back in it's original packaging, said packaging would be gross and covered with mouse or bat poop or something by then, right?  I know, I know.....ssssshhhhhhhhhhh.  Just bide your time and always keep a box cutter in the kitchen junk drawer, man, I have it on good authority this is right and proper.

The next three months will be a bit more pleasant with the prisms floating and spinning around this room, I hope, as her mother dreams of her.  I hope she will lay in that room, watching the rainbows, and talk to her baby girl, and not be anxious about the unknown, or scared of pain.  I hope she feels peace and has faith that her body will perform perfectly, the way it was made to, and look forward with joy to that day.  Those prisms will light the way for Charlotte to find her way home.  I hope this always hangs in her window, where ever she may be, filling her life with light and beauty from her earliest memories.

Another family tradition.

This one's for Charli, with all our love, from her grandmother and her great-grandparents.

UPDATED:  The Rockette sent me these pictures.  It's working just as I hope it would.  Who would ever want to leave this room?

This is the wall right above her bed.

Even the ceiling gets the effects!!

Talk about being in your own little world......Just goes to show, all Pinterest projects do not end in tears and burned fingers.  :D

Plowin' On Through

Sometimes I miss my children being small. When I think about the days when I could scoop them up and bury my nose in their little necks, the way their skin felt, how safe I always thought they were in my arms...it's easy to miss those days.  I comfort myself with the fact that they will give me grandchildren.  It's been a long wait already and those days are not yet in sight.

So I comfort myself instead with how much fun we can truly have now that they are grown.  Not only can we talk about the price of gas or eggs, but we are finally on the same side of everything.  There is no more hiding certain parts of reality from them.  If only there were!  More importantly, they no longer feel the need to hide certain things from me.  When you think about it, looking back, parents and children do a lot of lying (if only by omission) for the sole reason of "protecting" each other.  It's really silly but so far no one has come up with an alternate plan that ends with children being responsible adults.  Oh, there have been parents and children without these barriers, but they usually end up as a movie of the week.  Not my style.

This post is about some of the lesser secrets of life.  This post is about secrets in the kitchen.  Women are usually the sole conspirators, but the Lord knows that men are not immune, if they happen to spend much time in the kitchen.

Some of the best memories my daughter and I have (so far) is in regard to these secrets.  

When either of the older kids come home now, there is a flurry of activity with greetings and going here and there and catching up. Then we eventually drift to our natural environments, which with me is the kitchen.

The Beautiful Redhead and I had the best time making pies last Thanksgiving.  She left out ingredients and I spilled them all over the counter before we got them in the oven, but I told her not to worry.  "No one will ever know", I said.  "They have never questioned any kind of food I have given them in their entire lives, with the one exception being the time I sprinkled cinnamon over the chicken/broccoli/rice casserole instead of paprika", I said.  She remembered that and we had a good laugh.  That was the year I got bifocals, by the way.  heh heh heh.   But the pies were a roaring success that year, even if we did leave the evaporated milk out.  So if you ever "forget" the evaporated milk or anything, I advise you to plow right on ahead and dare anybody to be able to tell the difference.  My money is on you, my Wooden Spoon Brigade, and I am not even a betting woman.  I will have you know we served those pies just like we knew what we were doing.  And we had a bonding moment as I met my daughter's eyes while all her brothers were eating the pies without any comment except compliments. "Toldjah!"  my eyes said to hers.  "I can't believe we pulled it off!" her eyes answered.  We were in it together, come what may.

So with Easter coming and me being about chocolated out from all the recipes on Facebook last week, (what was the deal with that, anyway?!?!) I was dreaming of something fruity. I found this recipe jello ribbon cake.  It seemed simple enough, so we got started.

As we caught up on our personal lives the cakes were in the oven.  The orange one got done really fast. This was due, I believe, to it being in a glass pie pan, as I have only one round cake pan. I think I used to have another one but it got used in a sandbox or maybe the dogs ate it.  I forget the details. Forgetting the details is what keeps mothers sane.  I highly recommend it.  The cherry one overflowed and burnt in the bottom of the oven. "Do you smell something burning?" I asked, "It's the coffee" she answered. A few minutes later I took out the orange one and let her know the cherry one may be in trouble.  We mixed the filling layer, with me doing the steps and her reading it off, two or three times just to be sure, because this is how we left out the evaporated milk at Thanksgiving.  Learning from your mistakes is very important and a skill that I actively cultivate.  It is especially challenging when you forget details,  just one of the double edged swords of motherhood.  We got the filling done right. 

By then the cherry cake had quit smoking in the oven but it had, unfortunately fallen by the time it cooled.   "Oh well", I said, "we are going to paste this baby together with cream cheese and Cool Whip Frosting, no one will ever know the difference."  About that time the twins were cheering for some basketball team that was making them very happy indeed, and she just smiled.  March madness is a wonderful thing, especially if you don't follow basketball but need privacy in the kitchen.

The cherry cake ended up being able to be sliced in two.  The orange cake came out mostly in pieces, well, more like limestone layers, if you know what I mean. If you don't, you should be feeling superior right now because your cakes probably always turn out normal.  You are lucky if this is the case, but you also have no idea what you are missing.  Where is the challenge if your cakes turn out perfect? What fun is that?  You have no idea how much fun it can be to overcome these obstacles.

So we made a 3 layer cake, with extra filling between both layers.  We were actually starting to look forward to this cake. It did not look like much at this point, it was true, but we were sampling right along and everything tasted wonderful, so we plowed ahead.  I would have taken pictures but I haven't figured out if I can use the camera and the Chromebook together yet, plus I was too embarrassed.  It was all crooked and listing to one side pretty bad.  I could already tell we were never going to forget this cake!

The Cool Whip frosting is wonderful, as I'm sure you guessed.  You should make sure it's all the way defrosted. I don't know why they keep it frozen and it irritates me to death, but only because I have no patience.  I tell you now, IF you insist on frosting your cake too soon, it will smoosh the layers of filling out of the middle of your cake.  Oh, you can get (most) of it back in, but it takes a delicate touch and patience. This is why we have children, it turns out.  They will keep going while you lose your mind and open windows and complain about how hot it is, while drinking coffee.  I love my daughter.  I mean, I love all my kids but who keeps my secrets?  She does.  Who knows my objective when I am in such a state and works along like nothing is wrong?  She does!  Without her I would be lonely in a way that I cannot even begin to express.

By the time the twins were joyously yelling about "Kansas being out" (sorry about your bad luck, there, Kansas) we got the frosting on, threw some jelly beans on top, and it looked a little, well, amateurish.  But I never claimed to be a professional when it comes to cooking.  Never.  Not one single time.  Ever.  This is very important, in case you are making a plan for future disasters in the kitchen. You probably should be.  They come around on a regular basis.

Into the refrigerator it went, to set up (Lord hear our prayer) or possibly break down overnight.  Whatever else Easter brings, it will bring a very tasty if not beautiful cake.  "Don't worry", I said, "they'll never know", I said.  She just smiled at our beautiful creation.

I know that she will hear my voice in her head saying these words, comforting her and giving her strength to plow on through, all the days of her life.  With me or without me.  It's a family tradition.  One that I have no doubt she will pass on.  Someday.  Sigh.

Have a blessed Easter and never lose a chance to make a good memory. Some of my best ones involve what I regarded at the time as complete catastrophes.  Here's to making good memories.

She's Still Gone.....Update

I got a new canister type vacuum cleaner and took a week of vacation and seem to have been possessed by a cleaning demon.  Of all the demon possessions I have ever contemplated, the cleaning demon would probably have to be the one I would ask for.

I have a Christmas post coming, but the demon, having taken over possession of my soul recently, has produced this instead.

At first, the canister type vacuum freaked me out and made me itch for several hours after I used it.  I can report that I am way past that now.  In fact, with every canister of dust that I collect now, I am only inspired to collect more.  I have used every attachment on it, love them all, and have instructed the boys in it's uses as well.  I am foolish enough to keep thinking that one of these times I will not suck up much, what with all the cleaning I've been doing.  That has yet to happen, but I live in hope.  Small, manageable, can afford to be disappointed hope, but hope all the same.  One of these days it could happen.  If it does, you will be the first to know.  I'm not holding my breath and I would not suggest you hold yours either, you understand, but we will make a note.  It could happen.

Remember when I was unable to bring myself to deal with The Beautiful Redhead's room?  Well, I have arrived at a compromise.  I told her at Christmas that I didn't think I was going to be able to bring myself to pack up her stuff.  She laughed.  I told her that it would be different when she got her own house and came in and told me she was taking it.  She rolled her eyes.  She left me here without touching a thing.  Again.

Ok, the wedding dress was still hanging there and I just stuffed it in the closet.  I don't count the closet when I am working on the room.  My mind can't encompass the whole process at once, ok?

Then the cleaning demon took possession and I just started doing stuff.

I did one side of the room at a time.  If I have to explain that, I would say you have never had a child who left home and then you used the room as the "throw it in and shut the door, quick-like(!)" room.

I packed up all her personal stuff.  I did not look through it.  I am 98% sure I packed up 3 boxes of trash for her to go through herself one day, but that's the way I roll.  I told God when I had kids that when I erred, I would always try to err on the side of caution, and I have kept my end of the bargain.

I got up today and drank a pot of coffee.  I did not shower, dress, or brush my teeth.  I warmed up taco soup for the boys and then directed them to remove an old television, a bicycle (yes, really), and a shelf from that room into the basement.

My hallway looked like this:

That's Shadow's tail because she is my constant companion when doing anything.

And just to show my appreciation, here is a picture of Shadow, who is always sure I am taking her picture.

Wew, yes I wuv her.....she's my sweet baby bupkes.......

I found a pair of angel wings that I bought for her when she was 5 and cried over how fast the years went and how I can still remember how the crevice of her neck smelled when she was that age.   I smiled at how I bought a pair of fairy wings for Abigail this Christmas and she loved them as much as Mackenzie once loved these.  Then I carefully arranged them in the crib she and her brother used when they were infants along with a big teddy bear that she acquired when she was just a few years older.  I did not touch her little redheaded dolls or tea sets or rock collections.  They are just as they have been for 12 years, although I do plan to give them a good wash and I still have to get all the books and stuffed animals cleaned up too.  Perhaps the cleaning demon will make more appearances.  We will see.

Not gonna touch.  Well, maybe clean.  But not put up.  EVAH!  And that little truck actually says Mackenzie's Ice Cream through no design of our own and was the only little car that child EVER wanted and I always found it after her twin brothers had stolen it and you can see who was victorious here.  Me.  I did it for you, Kenz, only and always for you.

The angel wings are laying in the cradle, in front of the foot pillow I got for a Christmas present when I was about 12.  It was all the rage, man, I speak the truth.  And yes, that's Shadow again, supervising operations as always.  And yes, my problem with throwing things away is not new.  Not by a long, long shot.

I cleaned the cool electric lamp she had to have when she was 12 or 13.  I dusted the picture of her she was a naked infant and smiled and cried a little more.

I cannot believe she didn't take this.  I still have fun playing with it.  Maybe she is the more mature of us.  Oh well.

I dug out the mosquito netting that I got for her when she was 10 and put it back up.  In it I found the pearl ring I got her for her 16th birthday and she thought she had lost for the last 4 1/2 years.  She never stopped talking about that ring and I never found another one like it so I could replace it.  It has been found and replaced in the one jewelry box (out of dozens she had) I didn't pack up.

Ok, so she never liked the netting.  I liked the netting, OK?  As it turned out, that was all that mattered.

The boys fled the house and soon the room looked like this:

I couldn't bear to put up Raggedy Ann.  She has been a faithful companion not only to the Beautiful Redhead, but to me after she ran off and left us to live her life.  We've been through  a lot, Raggedy Ann and I.....Besides, this is the redhead wall, with the naked redhead baby picture and I am not breaking up the set.  I cannot.  I will not.  This discussion is over.

and this

I'm never  giving up this photo.  She can have it when I'm dead.  Or the Mardi Gras feather boa or the only surviving float trip hat that I got for $5.  Not at the Dollar Shop, obviously. And that dangling sparkly stuff is attached to a crown of stars.  Never know when the need to wear one of those will take a girl over.....Just come on over, I saved that too!

I put the both the quilt her grandmother made back on the bed and set the fearless white lion she coveted (and got) when she was 11 on top.  I propped her favorite teddy bear when she was a child against her pillows.   

Ready for a traveling princess to stay.  And her little sister, too, with the cradle and all....

I was touched and thrilled to discover that the note her grandmother Paula had written in lipstick, along with lipstick kisses, had been there so long that it didn't easily clean off.  I left it there.

Clean this off?  NOW?!???!!?  Are you nuts?  Obviously, I am not good at that.  Accept it and move on.  I cherish my memories, right down to making them part of the permanent decorations!

I found the keyboard she learned on before we had a piano.  This same keyboard was later co-opted by her brother and the boys in his band (s)......one of her favorite boys of all time put the cheat sheet tape on the keys.  I smiled through tears as I remembered the years of not being able to talk on the phone inside my own house for the bass beat that kept our house hopping.  Years of calls at 11 pm to bring a guitar or an extra amp to a gig.   Years of 6 boys showing up without much time but needing to eat and throwing frozen lasagna in the microwave and watching them eat it while it was still cold.....but they didn't care.  Years in which I watched her get to hang out with the older kids and have a really good time in safety because she had an older brother who was 10 feet tall.   I didn't touch a thing, but now have to find a place to keep it.  Perhaps the closet.......

If this keyboard could talk........All we have is youtube videos of Our Last Run.  Go look one up now.  You may or may not need Kleexes.  No shame.

So her room has been tackled, mostly, and that leaves my list of things to do a little shorter.  Ok, no shorter, since I can cross off Mackenzie's room but now have to add Mackenzie's closet.  Still.  It's progress and I count it all.

And that is my progress, if you can call it that. I choose to call it that. The closet is still to be dealt with on another day, but this is her room now.  Undoubtedly hers, but not recently.  Proof that she lived here and will always be able to come back.  Her childhood still displayed, but not able to be picked up easily.  Just still there.  Always.

I feel very badly about the Christmas post, but will work on it soon.  Perhaps by Valentines day?  I kid.  Kind of.  I think.  I really don't know anymore.  I just get myself out of bed and go in whatever direction I am pulled.  It doesn't usually make sense to me, but still I go, and am even getting some things accomplished.  I had to ask what came next, right?  Well, this is it.  Proof that God listens, not to mention a reminder to always think about whether you really want to know the answer before you ask.

It's going to be a long winter.  It always is, in Missouri.  I wish for you a canister vacuum and the raw courage to face what it will dang shore collect.  Buck up and suck up, folks, spring is coming but not for awhile yet.

Changing Roles....For My Daughter's 20th Birthday

I don't know if The Beautiful Redhead had any idea what she was starting when she offered to babysit for her friend's newborn daughter, I don't think any of us did, then.

I basically took her on initially as a project.  I thought I could be a good mentor to her, it would not cost me a dime, and it was a way for me to be able to give something back.  Since then I have grown to love her like a daughter and also as a dear friend, not to mention that I got a pretend grand child out of the deal.  I would not have missed this for the world.

This odd relationship has enriched all of our lives and I do not believe any of us would change a thing about it, all things considered.  In it I have been able to glimpse what my relationship with my own dear daughter will eventually be able to be, even though at the time this all started she was still in the phase of a teenager who mostly rolled her eyes at her mother.  It got me through some rough spots, I freely admit.  In addition, it has given my daughter a person who is just like an older sister, someone she can go to for advice and a guardian angel to watch out for her when I cannot.

My relationship with my bonus daughter was free from the constraints of my own children who were still in the years of believing their mother needed to be protected from the truth.  Truth be told, all most parent/child relationships need is absolute brutal honesty, which is asking a lot on both sides.

Sometimes I play the role of mother, sometimes friend with my bonus daughter.  Since we are both mothers, we usually come down on the same side of things, and this is a great comfort to me.

The other day my dear Abigail came to visit me.  We made blueberry pancakes wearing our aprons, then we went and fed some carrots to some horses.  Nothing big, but time together spent doing whatever we wanted.  She does not seem to know that The Beautiful Redhead is my daughter, and when I say she is, the pretend Grand Baby steadfastly insists "I am your child......" and I do not correct her.  She is most certainly the child of my heart, and too young to understand that love is the eternal spring that never runs dry.  There is more than enough to go around for all.  I let her have this truth, and am glad to do so.  The Beautiful Redhead, on the other hand, I think sometimes feels a little jealous.  I am ashamed to admit that this warms my heart because it proves to me that she still loves me.  She has just turned 20 and we are almost at the point where we can be equals in the emotional world of our hearts.  At last!  I rejoice for this, have worked and waited for this.

I recently picked up the phone for a conversation with my bonus daughter.  She was making dinner for my daughter, who makes Abigail mind, and Abigail says she is mean.  My bonus daughter has come to depend on my daughter to sometimes be the disciplinarian when she can't get Abigail to mind.  Just like real sisters!

At the beginning of the conversation we were talking as friends.  She was asking me what The Beautiful Redhead would eat, so I took on the role of mother.  At some point my daughter arrives and in the background I can hear her and Abigail having an animated conversation.  We keep talking.  In the background I can hear an escalation of noise.  All of a sudden my bonus daughter's voice becomes stressed and she says "I have to go now, The Beautiful Redhead and Abigail are fighting." And just like that, we were both mothers again.  I got off the phone laughing, grateful for the fact that while our roles all keep changing, they are also staying the same, and in the end the mothers are always in charge.

My Beautiful Redhead, Mackenzie Grace, this is to show you in case you ever feel alone, that you never are.  You will always have a friend, and a mother, and we will always love you no matter what you do.  When you are proud of yourself, when you are ashamed of yourself, when you don't know where to turn, come home to us.  We will never think less of you. We will defend you like dragons when you need it.  We have done it all before, and we will carry you and uphold you even when you cannot do that for yourself. 

I am so very proud of the person you have and continue to become.  You shine with bravery, grace and love.  You are smart, you know your own mind and you do not have a problem with speaking it.  I doubt that you realize how far ahead of the game you are.  You make up your mind and do not stray from your values.   You are true to yourself.  You have a beauty that will never fade because it originates in your soul.  The rest is just window dressing, and quite beautiful window dressing at that.  I don't know if you realize how beautiful you are, from the inside out.

For the days when you don't, here is proof.  I am so very blessed to have been lucky enough to be your mother.  My love for you has grown with you over the years.  The day you were born I thought I could never love you more, but I was so very wrong.  This love will keep growing, and every person you touch along the way will only multiply that love by however many people are lucky enough to know you.

I would not have missed these past 20 years for all the money or sleep in the world.  Never forget that.  I love you sweetie.  Here's to the next 120 years.  I will still be loving you then.