Her name was Melissa Gail...

Today marks a one year anniversary that I acknowledge with a sense of exhaustion.

Have you ever known someone who committed suicide? 

I hadn't before a year ago today.

I never imagined that it was easy to be left with so many unanswered questions.  It is not, especially when my children ask questions that I have no answers for.

I never imagined it could be so hard to feel anything but rage at a death.  It is.

I never imagined all the hurt that would keep rippling out from one selfish act.

  

....................................Did she?

I can't imagine when peace will come.
I have no answers. 

I struggle with forgiveness.  I struggle with needing forgiveness for my rage.

I believe that God can forgive anything.

I believe that God will watch out for all the children affected by this.

I believe that we can get over this, eventually.

I believe that the key may be in concentrating on her life instead of her death.

I have struggled with this since it happened.  I can't seem to stop, even though it is not even my business. 
It is between her and God. 
I admire the courage and faithfulness of those she left behind, even if they are just pretending.  It has helped me to see them stay strong, even though I know they do not feel strong. 
It has been a lesson to me. 
In the end, there is nothing I can do. 
That chance is far behind me now. 
This is what we are left with. 
I only wish peace for everyone, myself included. 
Perhaps that is the lesson of faith.

Her name was Melissa Gail and she was best described as a force of nature, I think.

She was not the type to give up, and very little ever got her down for very long.  Or so I thought.  What did I know?

She was never one to worry about other people's opinions of her.  And my anger at her over this?  She would probably tell me it was my problem, and to get over it. 

Ironically, it is imagining her saying this to me that lets me laugh when I remember her. It helps me remember her instead of how she died.  I always thought she was so strong.  What did I know?

She was honest, loyal, and true to herself.  That is how I try to remember her. 

Love her or hate her, I highly doubt anyone ever forgot her.

This is dedicated to her family and friends and the journey we are all on toward peace with her death, and joy for her life.

 

Longing For One More Day

When we lose someone we love it seems that time stands still.

What moves through us is a silence... a quiet sadness... A longing for one more day... one more word... one more touch...

We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived.

And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.

We will see you again some day, in a heavenly place where there is no parting.

A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.

#667 Irish funeral prayer