The Violent (though natural) Death of 2011

Gadzooks!

Oh my dear God. 

 I just got the dogs fed and my second cup of coffee and went out to my front porch to see how nice it is today. It's been about 50 degrees here and that's about 30 degrees warmer than normal: SCORE!

So I go outside, I drink coffee, I am looking around thinking it's going to be another gorgeous day, and I notice I hear Cardinals making their peeping noise.  A lot of Cardinals.  I think how cool this is.  Before it can cross my mind that the peeping noise is their alarm sound (oh, sweet obliviousness of early Saturday morning!), three of them fly over my house from behind me, all peeping, in the direction of the house across the street.   They were beautiful!  At this time my face had a smile, and I was thinking what a wonderful way to start the last day of this horrifying but never boring year.

Swiftly following this millisecond of peace, a small hawk flew right after them, two soared over the neighbor's house and on past, but one got caught up under the eave of the neighbor's front porch.  The hawk dove right after it.  At this point, my face had a horrified, wide eyed stare.  I was already telling myself that the hawk was a good, strong hawk, who was just hungry, and his amazing hunting skills were being displayed for me in all their glory, while at the same time the peeping got worse, and that hawk did not kill that beautiful, violently peeping bird for what seemed like a long time, but was probably only about 5 seconds.

At this point my face had a resigned, sad, kind of mad look because I knew the bird was not going to get away, that this was that bird's day to take it's place in the circle of life, but for God's sake hawk, FINISH IT!

The hawk did.  I couldn't make myself look away.  There was a mantra repeating in my brain that went something like "this is life.  this is natural.......this is life.......this is natural........"  and that was all.

During this time it occurred to me that I should film this but didn't have my phone with me.  During this time it occurred to me that this may be a sign.  Of what, I remain unsure.

This is what I have boiled it down to:

1) What you thought was a magical moment quickly turned into a hard but perfectly natural event in the life of any animal, and you were severely disappointed to have to witness it.

2) Illusions have a cost.  Not that they aren't worth it, just sayin.

3) Reality must be faced and dealt with.  There really is no time off from that.  You can run, but you can't hide.

4)  I am so glad that this year is over.  It has been one violent shock after another, I swear!  

I am speaking politically and, I believe, for the entire world, here.  Honestly, I cannot ever remember, in my entire life, being sad to see any year go, and that probably says a lot more about the age I am getting to be than my actual life, but I am actually looking forward to 2012.  

Whether I am just believing in the illusion that things will get better, or just standing on the cusp of another violent death (metaphorically ((I hope)) speaking) I am ready to get it over with.  

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, here we go and come what may, 2012 is upon us.

Now I have to deal with the reality of getting in the shower and going out to buy groceries.  In between those two things I will probably go over and clean up a bunch of gorgeous feathers out of my neighbor's driveway.  Unless the cats in the neighborhood have kicked in by that time, you really can't deny that everything in nature works together for the same good cause.  

Let's hope that humankind can find some illusions they are willing to pay the cost for in this coming year.

God Bless us all..........

Being Home.....

There is no time sweeter to me than Christmas these days, simply because that's the only time all my kids are ever home at the same time anymore.  

I never thought much about it when they were all home and I felt like I was drowning in kids all those years, and the quiet is welcome, but every once in a while, this old house takes on the rhythmic routine of days gone by. It's like being able to go into the past, only everybody is older now.  There is none of the anxiety that hounded me for so long.  For decades I was stressed over things not being "good enough".  Now I find comfort in the fact that nothing can hurt this house.  We have seen it all, from bees in the walls to fountains of water pouring out of the wall in the shower. I am telling the truth when I say that it would take a doozy to throw us off now.  We have practically been through basic training with this house.   I like it much better this way.

 For the past few days I have:

     - spent the majority of time in my pajama's or an apron, or both.

     - met one or the other of my older "children" coming in at 4 am, and not been upset with them for missing a curfew.

     - visited with my pretend daughter and noticed that of all the people in the house, no one said a word or remarked in any way when my pretend grand baby serenaded us with her version of a song on the piano.  Not too loudly and not for too long.  I was so proud nobody told her to stop.  We are a mellow crew at my house, I am inordinately proud of this.

      - felt the boys trying to gauge how awake their sister is, trying to make the choice between sleeping a little later or getting in the shower before their sister, as there is a long wait for hot water after girlfriend gets done.

     - heard the voice inside my head ask "are you really listening to your brother and your son have a seemingly casual conversation about AR's, which I am pretty dang sure are assault rifles, and both of them sound pretty knowledgeable?" and answered the voice inside my head "Yes......yes, yes I am."  and then smiled.  We are a family who can protect ourselves and those we love or are prepared to die trying.  I am most definitely proud of that.

       - divided up left over ham while my sons bring a table into the house by way of taking off the back door, and then the weather stripping, until they achieved success and kept me from having to turn around and sell a great table and benches that I bought second hand.  Without measuring my doors or the top of the solid tabletop, just in case that was not self explanatory. ;)  I have raised men who rise to a challenge, not to mention perform miracles with nothing more than a pipe fitter's wrench, a tape measure, and 7 flat head screwdrivers of varying lengths.  What a relief.

      - watched while wringing my hands as my sons tried and failed to get the old table down the stairs, as the "new" table would not possibly fit down the basement stairs.  This did not deter them either.  We just switched out the sets and now I can do puzzles on the table in the basement while my youngest baby plays video games with his friends and asks me to "please do not be a part of this conversation, Mom".  Something tells me this could be a game changer.  The basement has been forsaken by me for several years, for reasons having to do with testosterone and dog hair.  No more.  Muahahahahahahahahahaha.

    - watched one of my mother's dearest friends see the Rock Star's tattoo, (which is his grandmother's name right over his heart), tear up, hug him and say "I am so proud of you", which is pretty much the same thing that I did when he showed me, and the LAST thing I ever could imagine saying when presented with any of my children's first tattoo............of which I had adamantly insisted there would never be any "as long as I live".........  I can eat crow like nobody's business, having had quite a lot of practice over the years.  I think I have learned that you just never know what a day will bring, but that it will probably be all right, whatever that is.  I needed that.

       - comforted and reassured my sister in law that it really wasn't a problem that my nephew left the door open and the dog ran in with big muddy paw prints all over the kitchen, because a) This happens all the time!  Really! and b) I bought a carpet cleaner for this exact reason!  You know those commercials where the kids make a terrible mess and the mom just smiles and says "that's OK" in a sing songy voice?  Well, I am now that mom.  It took 22 years and a Bissell but baby, I am finally there and I have to say, it feels good!  It really is OK!!

      **It should be said that if you want to be "that mom", (and you do!!  Trust me, you do!!)  you should be very careful not to replace your carpet or fix anything that happens to your walls for a couple of decades.  This process will erode the part of you that cares about your house looking "good".  This is crucial, not to mention freeing.    At the end of the 20 years, you will not give one single flying flip about another stain on the carpet, OR another hole in the wall, for that matter.  I didn't say it would be easy, I said it would be WORTH IT.  In other words, give up now, give up and relax and just enjoy those kids while they are still there.  The other stuff you can fix or remodel later, or not........ 

I hope you had a great Christmas and some down time to just "be home".  It isn't easy to accomplish in today's world.  You have to really make your priorities count.  And if you are one of those people who are still caught up in getting everything perfect?  Give it up, now, while there is still time.  If you can't drop everything and have a child, at least borrow one for a while, or get a dog.  There is still time to save yourself.  I have often said of children, "they save us".  They really do, not in ways you would recognize as "saving" at the time.  It's in the looking back that you see how the hardest  things were the best things, in the end, and marvel that you wouldn't trade them for anything.

It's nice to be reminded of that once in a while, even at 4 am.

To my kids, you did a really good job with me.  Thanks!  

    

Christmas Present......

 All those years I waited and waited for them to go to sleep so I could get started.

Now they fall asleep on the couch at 9:30 watching It's a Wonderful Life.......

I knew this day would come.

I always thought I would be happier about it......

Oh, well.  That's life!!

I will just treasure the moments I get to watch them sleep.

I find it just as mesmerizing as I did when they were babies.......

....and to all a good night!!