Hurrying Up and Waiting......

It's been such a strange spring, with the weather cooler than normal and a lot of wet, damp chill.  This has made my bones ache and left me feeling like time is not passing the way it should.  I have felt vaguely discomforted and been frustrated with a mind that won't stop turning while simultaneously being physically unable to move anything forward.  Nothing has been normal for a while now.  It hasn't been bad, but it just hasn't been normal.  Everything has been holding it's breath, waiting, suspended, and it's been a strain on me.

You know how it is?  You make all these plans, and then something or another happens and you are stymied, no matter which way you turn.  I think these times might be time-outs from God, so I use them.  I ask for signs and look for clues, search for patterns and proceed cautiously.  I watch.  And then, this time, I spent a couple of days on gravel roads with dear, old friends, and scouted wild flowers for transplanting and old windmills just because.  Just because we are still alive, and we used to do these things years ago, and it's been a long time since we took the time, and time is passing so fast and things are changing so much.

It's been a strange time, and I'm just talking specifically about my own personal realm.  I am not even going to bring up the state of the world, because I think we all know we are past a certain crossroads.  The fact that now we are going to have to listen to a bunch of people who will say they didn't know we were at a crossroads is not going to improve my mood, but that's beside the point now.  Whatever the future brings is headed right for us.  But enough, enough of that.  Back to small details, so much easier and healthier to obsess over.

Walking pneumonia brought us to a rather abrupt halt for a few weeks on the house, but I took that in stride by telling myself that if I would just learn to have some patience, God could quit giving me opportunities to develop more of it.  So I took deep breaths and have learned to mud and sand, sand and mud like a pro, if I do say so myself.  It still doesn't look like much, but if you close your eyes and just feel my walls they feel perfect, and will soon look that way also.  The walking pneumonia has been vanquished and now things should start moving very quickly indeed.  I don't really want to talk about the paint colors because I think I may have varied my selections a bit, but if this year has taught me anything it is this: that the colors of my walls will never have an important role to play in anyone's life, and thank God for that.  I couldn't take that kind of pressure.

And speaking of pressure, I don't want to put anyone under any, but our Charli-girl has already taken longer than I would like to get here!  Och! See how many opportunities I make God give me??????  I choose to believe this particular opportunity is comparable to, say, the final of the class, as opposed to just another test.  But I can be a stubborn wench and only time will tell.  I continue to work on this, and I know it could be worse. ;)

I have packed my bag, eagerly awaiting my Charli's arrival.  I often say her name out loud, in a sing-song voice, as if to pull her attention back to remembering to be born, like a reminder.  I want her to know she is anticipated, and no matter how scared she (or her mother, or her father for that matter) might be of what is coming, that it will be all right.  She will be loved and cherished every day that we have her here on this earth.  The Rockette has also been saying her name out loud, so that she will recognize her name by the time she gets here.  We call her together, with all our love, so she will be comforted and summon the strength to find her way.  I imagine both of them gathering their courage, taking the plunge, and going through that doorway

I haven't felt this way since I was about 11 and still got butterflies remembering that Christmas was coming soon.  It's been a real trip and it hasn't even gotten started yet.  I've been doing what I can, besides calling her out loud in case she's forgotten, I've been brushing up on my stories of the olden times, When I Grew Up, and telling The Rock Star that he better get ready, because he is about to fall in love for good.  He's about to be......gobsmacked with it!

1. gob·smacked

   ˈgäbˌsmakt/

   adjective

   BRITISHinformal

   1. utterly astonished; astounded.

   

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The Beautiful Redhead and The Magic Man both just had birthdays, which they celebrated amongst haunted wineries and Redwood trees.  I shot her a text the morning she turned 22 and only cried a little when I told her it was time for her to be the Queen of Her Own Life.  Watching her spread her wings and fly has been both gratifying and terrifying.  It brings to mind this song, which her grandmother also loved, and she comes from a long line of strong women who always Dance when they get the chance.  I got her more jewelry, because I can never not buy her jewelry, and because frankly, I never knew a daughter more delightful or more cherished.

It's so much fun when your kids get older and make their own lives.  We have been so blessed by these two new members who seem to fit so well.  For this reason, everyone should have children.  LOTS of them, because without them, what would you do?  And what difference would it make?  Huh?  At some point in your life  you will start to think about your accomplishments, you will take stock and I hope you are proud of your life when that happens to you.  I am.  I finally feel like an adult, and I am equal to the task.

What tomorrow holds remains a mystery, as always.  I am just patiently (the voice inside my head just snorted--I swear) waiting and taking time to mark how fast time is whirling now.  This is my life, and I love it so very much.  Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow!  :D

Time Off

Well.  We are still living without air conditioning because I don't want the dust everywhere.  That may change this week.  We will see.

We have about decided to do without the bead board and just paint two different colors on the walls and put up a chair rail instead.  Not because I don't want the bead board, but because of the cost of having the bead board PLUS the cost of the glue to hold it to the walls.  I still might do some.  We will just have to wait and see how good of shape we can get these walls into.

I took yesterday off.  Instead of working anywhere, I made cookies and delivered them to The Angel's house, where they were hosting the cutest little black-eyed grandson you ever saw.  Black-eyed as in his eyes are very very dark brown, so dark they seem to be black, not blackened from falling or getting hit.  He is only 2, so those kind of black eyes are still far in his future, though they will surely come.  At least they seem to come to all other boys I have known.  Life doesn't seem to be complete for any boy until he has a shiner.  They actually seem to like this, at least the first time, for reasons that remain unclear to me.  It's just a boy thing I guess.  At any rate, my spirits were much higher after spending time with that little cutie than they were before.  What would we do without little ones?  I would be lost and not be able to summon up the strength to keep going.

After that I took what remained of the afternoon and laid in the sun by myself for two hours.  I covered myself in coconut oil and got my mattress all blown up, then as I went down the ladder to get onto the mattress, half of the ladder came off the dock.  I stood there, poised to jump but without enough time to position myself properly to land on the mattress like I had planned, when we both splashed down into the pond.  I only used the dang thing to begin with in order to miss the moss floating in spots, which may seem ironic to you, as it does to me.  At any rate, I took a somewhat flying leap into my own namesake and for good measure drug some of it, along with the ladder, which happily floated, to shore.  There I finally got de-mossed, positioned on my mattress, and headed for open water, where I floated undisturbed by anything.  It was heaven.  When I got home the boys had fed themselves and gone on with their lives and did not seem to even notice I had been gone. What's a mother to do?  Praise God and take a nice long nap, that's what.

Lately I am noticing all these things that I am again able to do for the first time in so long.  How many years go by in our lives without our noticing?  You have kids and then little ones, and you change so much, really just in order to survive, that you don't really notice until things change back.  All those years you spent wishing you could still "whatever", then you kind of forget about whatever those things were, and then one day, it seems out of the blue, you can do whatever again, and it seems so odd.  You have to think about whether you still really can do those things, and about 1/2 the time you find you really have no desire to do those things anymore.  It is still nice to know that you can, though.  Even if you don't plan to do them often.  Options: what would life be without them?

Tomorrow it will be back to the grind.  This weekend, though, and this extra day, I have taken time to take stock.  I have not felt hurried or pressured or anxious.  I've just been hanging out.  Sleeping when I feel like it, being up when I feel like it, mudding or sanding or cooking when I feel like it.  It's so nice when you don't have a schedule hanging over your head all the time!  I call this going with the flow, and I find that most often I am the only one who puts myself under pressure.  I now know that I can control that, and having realized this, I'm never going back.  My house will get done when it gets done, and it will be done right.  Most importantly, I don't think I'll have to worry about it again for a long time and I can't even imagine what I might do then, but I can't wait to find out.

I hope you had a great weekend also, and I hope you took time to notice your life at this moment.  It changes so fast and furiously that it feels like a crazy ride at the carnival.  The kind where you get in and you can't get off but occasionally you do see some familiar faces, just for a second, before they are whisked off in another direction away from you again.  You might have time to scream "HI!" at them but you are working pretty hard just to stay safely in your own crazily spinning orb that you are trapped in, and it's all just a blur, really.  I advise you to take some time out, even if you have to steal it from the middle of the night, and take stock of where you are in life and what you value.  Especially in the middle of the night, I have noticed, things seem better.  Your children sleeping invoke much different feelings than they do when awake.  You have time to think instead of react to what they just threw onto the walls or floors.  You might be surprised what is really important and how much time you are spending on what does not, in the end, matter.  To anyone.  Just adjust your course on the river of life, (it's a wide river) and trust that you will end up not where you planned perhaps, but exactly where you need to be.

Because you will, I promise.

Looking Forward.....

Just to bring us all back to reality and what really matters for a moment, I realized I uttered a phrase that was wrong recently.

The phrase went something like "it has been so long since I 've had anything to look forward to".  I have to recant that.  It simply is not true.  In two weeks I have a job to do, and I am looking forward to it very, very much.  I will be spending the weekend with these two little love bugs, and it might be a "job", but it also keeps me going and happy to be alive.  How many jobs can we say that about, people??

I can't wait to add another love bug to this picture, but I have to wait just a little longer.  WHO can look at this and not have something to look forward to??????  Not me.  :D

So we get gussied up to go to bed.  Is that wrong??????  I think not!  We look fabulous!

So while I chafe at waiting to get the house done, I look forward with all my heart to spending time with these two.  I also can't wait to see what Abigail thinks of my "hair look" now, and look how big our Rosie-pose is getting!!!  It's not right, but I can't change it.  It's all I can do to keep up, and it's kept me going for years.  All I need is more of the same, and it's headed right for me.  

Life might be a little messy, but it's also very good.  I forget that sometimes, and I shouldn't.  Let's all try to do better with that one.