You MIGHT be going through menopause IF.......

IF

....You spend most of your days trying to focus on "important" things, but can no longer remember what they are,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.

IF

...You can't sleep through the night anymore, but frequently drop off when trying to pay attention to "important" things,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.

IF

...You brush your hand lightly along your porch rail and  instead of getting a splinter, the tiny piece of wood gives you a long scratch that bleeds,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.

IF

...You cry uncontrollably for two days and a night when someone you only knew slightly but you saw them every day and you cannot for the life of you figure out why this has hit you so hard, let alone how to explain it to the poor confused man who shares your life,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.

IF

...You see some teenager with her boobs flopping around exposed, pushing a baby carriage with a newborn in it up to the park at 9:45 pm and are (almost----SO FAR!!!) completely taken over by an urge to stop your car, slap the girl, and steal the baby,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.  *OR, you might just be a good person.  I'm cloudy on this one myself and have had these urges WAY longer than I thought I might be going through menopause.

IF

...You keep candy around and sneak around to eat it and then carefully hide the trash, and THEN lie to your kids about having it,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.

IF

...You spend your days looking for stuff you believe you have lost, only to get side-tracked by cleaning out a drawer that has needed cleaning for the last----9 years or so, and end up only looking through your baby book,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.

IF

...You often fantasize about being a superhero with the power to seal people's mouths shut,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.

IF

...You openly talk to yourself out loud, and instead of being embarrassed when someone else hears you, you give the old evil eye, as if YOU are offended that they are eavesdropping on your conversation,

You MIGHT be going through menopause. 

*and then you can't remember where you were in your "conversation".

IF

...after years or decades, of politely turning away Jehovah's witnesses and those poor lost souls who only want to clean your carpets for free, and NOW you just slam the door right in their faces,

You MIGHT be going through menopause.

I even waved on a kid I knew selling "magazines" the other day.  I think all they do is get your information and sell it another 5500 times.  But that could just be me.  In any case, the chances that I will ever want to spend money on trash to throw away are very, very slim indeed.  Give it up, public schools everywhere or deal with us menopausal women who are in no mood.  Your choice.  Consider yourselves warned there, too.

I am still looking forward to the hot flashes, despite being warned by wise women to be careful what I wish for.  I have not experienced night sweats, as of yet.

On the other hand, my skin is completely different, always scratched or bruised but it won't tan anymore. 

I am oddly empty of tears most of the time these days, except for the days I can't stop them from coming, and then I am hard pressed to find a reason for them!  Usually this happens after a young girl has cried for what I consider no reason and am mystified that they could be so emotional.  I think God does this to me on purpose, for obvious reasons.  How quickly we forget!

I find it hard to sit through the parts of the news that don't interest me or depress me too much to stick around for the weather report.  I hesitate to mention that I rail against meteorologists who get it wrong, but I used to.  Now I only watch the amazing Katie Horner, who is kind enough to cover our area even though it is 250 miles away from her, and is extremely accurate.  Word.  Channel 5 Kansas City.

I sit down to watch a movie with my kids and I end up asleep.  They don't even mention it anymore and often I wake up to find them gone and the movie still playing.  This is the exact situation, reversed, in which I used to leave them once they went to sleep for a nap.  I find the irony comforting.  I am reaping what I have sown.

I verbally abuse drivers who do not use their blinkers.  WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT ANYWAY??!!!  I mean, the turn signal is about the ONLY thing they have never changed the position OR the mechanics of in my whole life.  There is just no good excuse for it and people should be more self aware, otherwise they *may* get rammed for their own good one of these days.  I try to hold off but even I give in to temptation sometimes.  And folks, I am getting more unpredictable.  Consider yourselves warned.

The thing that is working for me, and take this advice at your own risk, is keeping my mouth full.  That way I am less likely to speak.  This was advice given to me by another woman who had been down this road already.  It was solid gold, if you don't mind wearing elastic waisted pants.  I am getting there.

I am currently down to three pairs of jeans that "fit" me, but I haven't totally gone "street rat crazy" on anybody. 
*Lately. 
**Not counting that telemarketer from India who I enraged enough by asking him if he believed in Jesus to make him call me approximately 47 more times whispering Allllllllllaaaahhhhhhh.  Not a good move, if you value a telephone that doesn't ring unless it's a legitimate call.  But strangely emotionally satisfying to know that finally YOU are under THEIR skin.  Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.  (Throws back head and laughs a long, satisfied laugh).

Living, still leaning, and still trying to keep my mouth mostly shut.  Or at least full of candy.

Also, interested in finding a cute little NO SOLICITING sign to save the innocent from the long walk up my driveway.