Reflections on 50.........

I think back on the last year and all the changes it has brought.  We moved, new jobs, new friends, new vehicles.

The boys have 1 more year of high school, prom is coming up, they have become mechanics, or at least serious apprentices, and they walk more like men than boys now.

I am a grandmother for real now.

Children are such handy gauges for us to measure life with, and I have recently found myself in long conversations with all of my children, (both real and acquired) that started with "Remember when......." and went on and on.

I used to feel I was drowning in children when my house was full of them and they spilled over into the yard and trailed up the street.

Life comes in waves, and eventually you realize you are the beach.

This beach is watching another wave on the horizon, there are more children in it, among other things that I cannot make out for certain, but I can't wait for those days of love, simplicity and noise to pound on me again.  The things they say, the things they remember, the things they will not listen to and have to learn anyway.

I think this last year has been a time for me to heal in ways I did not know that I needed to.  Life has slowed down and I have had time to be present in the last years that I will have "children" at home.

During this time my older children have become fully grown adults, and are now able to marvel that "19 years ago......." and fill in the blank with what seems like just a few months ago.

I can't tell you how great this has been, to be present as they got to this place!

This tree, next to my new house, is I believe a grandfather to the nicely shaped but sickeningly scented Bradford Pears that are everywhere now.  It doesn't have the pretty shape, and I think has much deeper roots, but the blooms are the same.  The berries in the fall are different.  We have been wondering what kind of tree it is and almost cut it down.

It has taken us this long to figure it out.

It has been glorious to look at and horrible to smell the past few weeks.

Flies buzz like crazy in this tree during blooming.

It's kind of scary when you sit and listen to them.

I didn't know why we let it live until last week.

She's old.  She still looks great but smells terrible.  But that's the way nature designed her.

Last week, with all the rain and wind, she started losing her petals.

Everywhere we went, we had petals blowing around, landing on us like confetti.

Everywhere we turned, our paths were strewn with petals.

I felt kind of like a bride, but knowing all the things brides still have yet to know, and I laughed out loud.

The petals did not smell bad, just looked pretty.

And I thought it a charming addition, despite the buzzing of the flies.

That is how charming I found it.

And I thought that I was definitely following a path, even if I did not know where it would lead, and that it was good and right.

We have been confetti'd, every way we turn.

It's made for a magical time.  One day it's cold and rainy, we can hear the rain beating down on the roof as we watch the fire.

White stuff in your hair?  NOT dandruff!!  Look closely and you will see petals in the air.

The next day it's warm and sunny, you open the door to go out and white petals are cascading down and blowing around in little eddies on the wind.  They land in your hair, brush against your eyelids, sit on your shoulders, get stuck in your hair, and have lined the path you are about to embark on.

No matter which way you go.

It occurs to me that which path you take matters naught; it is the going that matters.

I have the strong feeling all paths lead to the same place in the end.

More leaves than petals this week.

That tree is going to live.

As must I.

Not to mention an entire new generation of little girls (so far) that have need of magical petal floating in the air and lining their paths. No matter which one they take.

I think I may have been appointed as one of the ladies that points these things out, and sets up tea parties on the lawn.

With umbrellas, and matching rubber rain boots.

This lady may have gray hair, and a long braid.  

This is about all that I need to decide on in the near future.

A slightly better shot of the floating petals.

Everywhere you go, everything has been festooned with petals.

The bulbs are blooming gloriously.

I need to decide what to put in that hanging, petaled, pot.

But not today.  There is no hurry.

White has been added to all the colors, in polka dot shapes

I think it is healing all of us to be here.  We have different family closer, now, and can just run into them, which we are getting used to.

And while we have been very busy, we haven't been tied to rigid schedules.

This has allowed room for trying new things without the stress of whether these things will work out or not.

In a fit of hopefullness, I threw an onion and some garlic that had sprouted in my refrigerator in pots this week and set them outside.

Well, hello onions!

And just look what happened!

I didn't even try.

Sometimes things just work out.

No one knows why, they just do.

Tulips on deck!

The tulips are getting dressed for the show they will put on very soon, and just like at the other house, I have a white lilac in front and a purple lilac in back.  This may sound crazy to you, but those were 2 of the things I loved most about that house, and the symmetry here is comforting and feels right to me.
One more day of sunshine and BAM!  We are going to have lilacs!!
I had to give up a lot, but none the most important things to me have been lost.  What I have gotten in return is so vital and precious to me that I cannot not put it into words and pictures do not do it justice.

The other morning was so nice I just had to run down the road and be by the water.  Water runs freely though out the land of Lindy and white feathers, cascading, trickling, sometimes roaring, but always, always present and moving, the sun shining off the smallest of ripples.  The flowers were blooming, the grass was so green, and there just comes a certain day, I remember from when I was small, that you are compelled to get out and "smell the creek".

"He maketh me lie down in green pastures..........

It's not an elegant phrase, but it's the bottom line way I thought of it as a child, at my most basic and honest self.
In those days, part of almost every day was spent at a creek.  With rock bottoms, endless jewels to be discovered and sorted.  Tadpoles to be watched and sometimes caught.  Crawdad's to have sword fights with once you discovered their hole.  Small fish nibbling on your toes, turtles sunning themselves in the heat of the sun, and the only lotion slathered on us was sun "tan", not sun "block".

He leadeth me beside the still waters......

You see it, you hear it, you feel it, you smell it.
It surrounds you, in every way, and everywhere you look, everything is just right with the world.
There's no other way to put it.  There are no clocks here, the sun and the moon keep the time.
Time goes slowly, and you breathe easy.

I have spent years of my life sitting on a beach just like this.  I am so blessed.

As I turn 50, I find myself recognizing that most basic and honest self more and more often.

It's been a long time since I have seen her.

The person I was long before I became an adult or parent.  My hair is back to what it was before I spent countless hours and dollars to make it look like something it, in fact, was not.

The things that are most important to me cannot be bought with money.

Words get in the way of instinctive understanding.  Can you remember a time when  your thoughts were not formed in words in your head, let alone complete sentences?

He restoreth my soul........

If you can't, you should go back to the places where you were very young.

Or maybe you have to get to be a certain age before you will remember that part.

Life asks a lot of us, at different times, and in different ways.

But it's always in flux, whether you realize it or not.

Eventually, your children grow and have lives of their own.

You love them more than ever, and they bring you joy in ways you never expected.

But now you get your solitude back. Time to dream, time to consider, time to plan, again.

Time to think, or work, or just "be", without interruption or distraction.

I think this is part of the design.

Sunlight on just one branch of a huge and beautiful bush.  See what I did there??

Life is always taken one day at a time, whatever phase we are in.

But I have reached the age where I watch calmly for what comes next and take it in stride.

Gone are the days where I ran around, anxious to please, fearful of disapproval, worried about how it would all turn out.

Been there, done that.  It's over.  It was fun but it's over.

The next phase of my life will be much calmer and more joyful.

Whatever it is.  I'm going to just appreciate whatever it is.

It's a surprise!

I'm just going to enjoy every day and watch it all unfold, like the grass and the bulbs and the babies.

Everything has it's own path, design, and journey.

I already know it will turn out.

It always does.

Charli's Magical Talisman.......Updated

Sorry this took so long but I had to figure out how to transfer pictures from my camera to my laptop and man, did it ever take me forever!!  Och!  But I did it.  Once again I have triumphed over technology that seems to be designed to destroy every shred of self confidence I have left.  But I've blogged before about how you should not expect anything to make sense........

Let's get to the good stuff.

Charli's Magical Talisman

Last weekend I loaded the twins in the car and headed to KC to meet The Rock Star, Rockette, The Beautiful Redhead and her smashing boyfriend, and my beloved Bonus Daughter.

The Rock Star and Rockette, Charli's parents.  This child is going to be beautiful!

We only got lost and turned around once, prompting the twins to throw caution to the wind and let their smart phones track our activity down a major interstate against our better judgement.  Good times.  It worked.  Not only did the technology work, but it prompted the twins to work together in tandem, with one watching the blue line and trying to figure out where we were going and the other one announcing where we were going from the googled directions.

Technology succeeded where I have failed many times.

This whole episode disturbed me on so many levels I promptly decided to block the whole thing out.

The Beautiful Redhead and her smashing boyfriend, who I hope she keeps.  I wuv him.

Luckily my bonus daughter, who keeps me on track (on the off chance that I am ever ON track) called to check on me.  Her wonderful husband talked me through yet another panic attack wherein I back-tracked for 15 miles and then let him convince me I was right the first time.

  Again.

This man has the patience of Job, and knowledge of all major thoroughfares of the greater Metro area, for which I am grateful.

We had a wonderful lunch, with only one little, our own Rosie- Pose, who looked at us suspiciously.  I promised her that her mother wasn't leaving and she seemed to relax.  :D

Practicing for the very very near future.

The Rock Star and Rosie charmed each other in equal measure.

I have to say she is very well behaved and did not even make very much noise.  I held out till we had eaten before I had to hold her.  That is very good for me.  Usually I cave right off and we all wear some food home.  I'm getting better.

This face has only been in my life for 17 months but I can't remember life without her.  Kids perform that neat trick all. the. time.

Then it was back to the house for the fun stuff!!  I told you I would figure out how to do this, and I did.  First simply go to Amazon.com and search for "crystal window hangings".  This will lead to maybe several hours sifting through great bargains and there is simply no telling where you might end up.  Have fun.  It's one of those things where you go into the zone, which we never, ever, feel until we start coming out of the zone and realize several hours of our lives have passed.

It happens.

No judgement here. 

Don't feel bad if you get lost in the possibilities.  What else are you supposed to do when there are still 3 long months until you get to hold your baby?

Pick the cheapest, fakest ones you can find, because weight will be an issue unless you want to hang a rod holder for these babies, which we did not.  The sun shines through them all just the same and I wanted good coverage, as this was a western facing window.

I used 25 for a 32 inch window plus one biggie for the middle.  I couldn't resist.  I'm glad I didn't, too.

That is the middle stone, with purple and teal blue stones stacked on top.  The picture doesn't do it justice, but it is well worth the 19.00 I paid for it. I highly recommend these for Christmas presents for the person who has everything.  Give the rainbows, says Melinda.  Rainbows every day!

How could that be bad?

We chose to simply put a tension rod (under $5) across the middle of the upper half of the window.  There are no frames around their windows, the windows are just set into the wall.  We did not want to drill extra holes in the plaster around, so we did went with this arrangement.  You could also lower the blinds if you wanted to so that the crystal hanging would always be exposed.

What a good looking man, if I do say so myself, and handy with tools, which is invaluable.

All the beaded strands came with little circles at the top, so it was simply a matter of choosing ribbons to hang them on and tying knots.  Even I could not mess that up!

It was as easy as anything I have ever done.  I'm avoiding hot glue since Christmas.......:D

The ribbons at the top really added a pop of color.

The Rockette picked three ribbons, a sheer light blue, a satin coral, and a trim in white with small flowers embroidered in pale colors. I just bought the whole little rolls of the ribbons for around $15.00. As the walls are a pretty purple already, the other colors really popped.

Isn't it great?

It didn't even take that long, but it was a good time with just "us girls" whispering and giggling while the boys watched basketball....or something.

I readied the window she will look out of.  The window where she will only see beautiful prisms of light emanating from, every afternoon and evening of her life.  She will think that is normal, that the world is a beautiful, light-filled place.  It is!  Oh Charlotte Marie, you are already so loved.

It's every bit as gorgeous as I thought it would be.

It was so good to see my children as grown-ups, with houses and significant others, forming new alliances.  It had been a long time since I had been in a group of people where the sexes separated and bonded.  For so long it's been me just being the mom and then just being the kids.  Finally I felt like just another member of the family instead of the head of it.  It was a great relief, and a lot of fun, to see my kids and their partners finding their footing with each other.  Secrets were shared, bets were placed on brackets, *some* teams were ridiculed.  I watched my Mizzou daughter's eyes light on Charli's embroidered PURPLE AND YELLOW (I cannot same the name, I'm sure if you are a sports fan you understand this) minky blanket and determinedly keep the smile on her face.

I couldn't help but smile.

Change is good.  And inevitable in life.  So she was going to have a niece from Kansas.  She had not yet thought of that, I could tell.

Watching her brother, and probably marveling at how they ever got this old......This is it!!  The Beautiful Redhead is about to be an Aunt!  And who knows what will happen next?

It didn't even take very long.  We should probably all have at least one of these.  I think it could only add to our lives, no?

And so another project found on Pinterest has led me to figure out how to do it myself.  Am I the only one who saves a bunch of pictures, only to find out they lead nowhere when I try to go to the site?  Ah well, not to worry.  We are Americans, and we are nothing if not determined and self sufficient.

Always leave a place better than you found it.

Check.

And so we settle down to wait, just a little longer.  Almost everything they really need is assembled and ready.  There are showers to look forward to, storage areas to be organized and miracles to look forward to.  I can almost guarantee there will *possibly* heated arguments about what need there is to keep every box of every accessory they get.  Compromises will be reached.  Adjustments will be made.  

I used to think the Rock Star's father was unique in this aspect of keeping empty boxes, but I have lived long enough to find that it seems to be a man thing.  At any rate, it's a Rock Star thing, and he will be ready, apparently, to box any item right back up and take it back, even if it's a baby bed.  Seriously, I do not think they can help it and it is actually just exactly like us saving empty jars and toilet paper rolls for crap that looked like a good idea at the time on Pinterest!!  It's just the way it is.

  Rockette, I give you this advice if you will accept it now:  just accept the empty box thing until he forgets about it.  Then hopefully you can tear them down and dispose of them without his noticing, at some date far in the future, when it won't matter anymore.  I should not tell you this on the internet but I know for a fact that this is the method used by numerous generations of women before us.  Honestly.  Because we know that those items will break right after the warranty is up, right?  And even if he was moved to box it back in it's original packaging, said packaging would be gross and covered with mouse or bat poop or something by then, right?  I know, I know.....ssssshhhhhhhhhhh.  Just bide your time and always keep a box cutter in the kitchen junk drawer, man, I have it on good authority this is right and proper.

The next three months will be a bit more pleasant with the prisms floating and spinning around this room, I hope, as her mother dreams of her.  I hope she will lay in that room, watching the rainbows, and talk to her baby girl, and not be anxious about the unknown, or scared of pain.  I hope she feels peace and has faith that her body will perform perfectly, the way it was made to, and look forward with joy to that day.  Those prisms will light the way for Charlotte to find her way home.  I hope this always hangs in her window, where ever she may be, filling her life with light and beauty from her earliest memories.

Another family tradition.

This one's for Charli, with all our love, from her grandmother and her great-grandparents.

UPDATED:  The Rockette sent me these pictures.  It's working just as I hope it would.  Who would ever want to leave this room?

This is the wall right above her bed.

Even the ceiling gets the effects!!

Talk about being in your own little world......Just goes to show, all Pinterest projects do not end in tears and burned fingers.  :D

Little Altars Everywhere....Pt. 2

I was the first grandchild on my mother's side.  For three years I ruled the kingdom and during this time I proclaimed my grandmother "Big Grandma".  This was not because my grandmother was big.  In fact, the first time I called her that I can remember how she laughed for a very long time and finally asked me why I called her that.  She didn't seem especially touched by it.  I had two grandma's that lived in her town, as I thought of it, her mother lived there also, my great-grandmother.  The only explanation that I had then, and the only one that I still have to this day, is that my grandmother  was taller than my great-grandmother, ergo, "Big" Grandma and "Little" Grandma.  Little Grandma didn't seem especially pleased by her name either, but it seemed completely obvious to me.  I, being naturally shorter than either of them by quite a distance, did not know that they were both actually very small women.  Be that as it may, they were both referred to by those names from that day forward.  Nobody argues with the first grandchild, I tell you.  Nobody.

Big Grandma always had a bird nest on her Christmas tree.  She said it was good luck for the next year.  I can remember her getting excited about finding small abandoned nests.  She sprayed the holy living crap out of them with Lysol and put them in trash bags, to "kill all the bugs", for weeks and then shellacked them.  Probably to seal in the bugs, just in case any survived.  Or laid eggs that could hatch.  She did not suffer dirt, she put on a whole uniform including a scarf over her hair and attacked it mercilessly. 

It's not a real one.  It was a gift from my mother, in memory of the one Big Grandma had, for my own house.   It's the oldest tradition I have.

Big Grandma was very crafty, even artistic.  She was always whipping up something or other and there wasn't much space between us, which is probably why one year I made my own ornaments as gifts.  The Santa below is another of the cute wooden ones that move around, but to the left of it and below with the pink and blue swirl is one.  You simply buy an empty ornament and whole bunch of paint, pour it in, swirl it around, and waa-laa!  Beautiful ornaments that will last as long as you don't break them, but hey, that will just be the year you broke the pink and blue ornament that you made when the twins were small, and waa-laa!  There's a memory.  That's the way it is with Christmas ornaments that you know.  They never leave you.  This cannot happen with new ornaments.  Unless it's the only new ornament, in which case it will probably be special, in which case you could make a memory if you broke it.  But only if you cared about it. 

You can swirl any colors you want, in case you have a different "theme" going, or want to match your furniture or something.   However, if you make these please give them as gifts.  They will be treasured forever.  Unless they are sold at a garage sale.  

Another good use for the empty ornament is to put cute stuff inside.  Pictures, confetti, in this case golf tee's.... these are unique and one of a kind gifts, inexpensive to make, depending of course on what you put in them.

One of the Beautiful Redhead's, from her golf coach in high school and safe from garage sales forever and ever, amen.

If you knit, and I am ashamed that I don't, this is an excellent choice.  In fact, so ignorant am I that I do not even know for sure whether this is knitted or crocheted.  Probably crocheted.  Isn't that the one with all the holes?   Whatever it is, we should all learn to do it and I am pretty sure my Nana is rolling over in her grave right now because I would never learn this most basic skill when she tried to teach me.  I regret it.  It can't be that hard and I need to get that started.  It's been on my list for decades.  This one was given to me by a friend I worked with named Janet Turner in 1993.  I have put it on my tree every year since and I always stop and think of her.  I always thought I would do that for the kids every year, if I could......do that stuff, but I've not gotten around to it.  My babies are 14.  I need to get started soon.

They say no two are alike.  That is just one added plus if you are nervous about making mistakes in knitting. Or crocheting.  Maybe by next year I can inform you further on these mysteries.

My Girls Rock

I am so very excited for this weekend to get here that I don't know how I'm going to be able to wait. 

This weekend there are going to be girls in my house.  No boys.  Just girls. 

Events have transpired to make it possible for me to spend at least Friday night and Saturday with not only The Beautiful Redhead, but my pretend grand baby and her mother, my Bonus Child!

Having cleaned the carpets and feeling like the queen of my domain, I am ready for them. 

Each one of these girls is so dear to my heart that they can make me cry at the drop of a hat.  They can also make me want to shake them at the drop of a hat, but that's how I know I REALLY REALLY love them!  That I let them live is testament to my love!  I can have faith here because I easily remember being just as stupid self involved brave and headstrong as they do now.  I have the sort of sinking feeling that it's time to tell them the reality version of some of the choices I made, instead of the bright, shining, cleaned up version I have striven so hard to maintain for so long.  Why would I do that?  To protect myself them, of course!!

We are going to eat whatever we want, regardless of it's nutritional value and with abandon, drink wine, take bubble baths, talk all the time, and do whatever that sweet baby dreams up.  I will be her Lady in Waiting for the entire night and following morning, at least.  Last time it was making tents that pleased her.  I actually have a real tent to put up in the basement that was a big winner with my own little ones......and a blow up mattress, should you be experienced in slavery to small children and be thinking ahead about how that could all go wrong.  I am prepared.  BRING IT.  She also is big enough now to drag the chair over to the sink, where she has spent many happy hours wearing rubber gloves, splashing water all over the place and sporadically throwing food around.  Shredded cheese is my least favorite substance for flinging, and in her defense, most of that is actually dropped.  Boiled eggs are probably my favorite flingable substance, but only if she hasn't eaten them down to the yolk yet.  This is how memories are made, people. 

I simply cannot wait. 

If I don't live to see my own grandchildren, God forbid it, I will die happy that I got the chance to pretend.  I have the best time with that child.  It's hard to explain how you can laugh out loud till tears run down your face for 20 miles in a row because you can hear her talking to someone on your cell phone and just kissing, kissing, kissing, whomever she is talking to, while simultaneously wondering who in God's name she really is calling and not caring enough to pull over and take away her happiness.  The entire time that was happening I was also feeling terrible because I knew she was missing her mother and wanting to make up for that.  You kind of had to be there.  Or to have been there once, at pretty much any point in your life.  You never forget those moments, nor should you.  I just always have the best time with her--sniff, sniff.

Also, my kids will have a good idea of what a grandmother is supposed to do.  It is one of the things that have amazed me the most, as a mother, how we change ours life styles in order to give our children a picture of what a mother is supposed to be like.  Like a filter that we conform to, even the most selfish of us.  This is bringing me to a little bit of a throw down I had to have with one of my oldest, best friends, whose mother has Alzheimer's Syndrome.  But that is another story for another day. I won't forget, and I want to end this post on a positive note.  Positive notes are getting more rare every day.  So unless the world stops spinning before this weekend, I have something to look forward to.  I need it, it's been a looooooong winter.