Well, I DID say I was "ready"...........

It's been a while since I blogged.  It's been a while since I felt like myself.  It's been a tumultuous and busy time.

 It's been quite a year.

God always hears you, and occasionally I even hear Him.  I could tell big changes were coming when I blogged about my 49th year.  I said I didn't know what was next but that I was "ready".  As always, He made me put my money where my mouth was.  

So, I found fulfillment helping loved ones on hospice care, something that once I thought about it, I had basically been doing in one way or another for many years.  I like it.  People find a peace once they get the worst news they possibly could.  You are there to help.  You cannot fix anything, and that takes the pressure off.  All you are there for is to, well, be there.  There is a joy and peace that comes to me in just helping them enjoy each day they have left.  Remembering, hearing their stories, sorting through pictures and getting their houses in order, so to speak.  What this entails is as individual as they are, and has always made me feel blessed.  Never more than this year.

Then I lost my job because of this, and almost had a nervous breakdown, but no cigar.  Thanks to constant reruns of Sex and The City and a 10 lb. bag of M&Ms, I held onto my sanity by my fingernails.  It took me 10 days to get over the shock.  But then I remembered that I had said I was ready.

So there I was with a house in the middle of a remodel I would now not be able to complete, and a new, improved relationship with my father that I was still working on, a new grandbaby, and two boys and two dogs who still depended on me to put food in front of them and keep them in clothes and rabies shots.  I can honestly say that I seriously considered just staying bed and seeing what happened.  For about a week I only got out of it to pretend like everything was fine until the boys went to school and then again when they came home.  But that was not really an option.  Even I knew that.  The angel forced me out of bed a couple of days, made me get dressed and then put me to work pounding nail out of boards that he wanted to re-use on a rental house.  He said mindless work was good for the soul.  He was right.  I also prayed a lot.  If I remember correctly, the prayer I prayed most often, through days and nights of not being able to sleep went like this:  

Dear God,

God?  

GOD?!

 GOOOOODDDDD?!!!!!????

I don't even know what to do here. 

I mean, I don't even know how this happened.

GOD??????

God, I have no idea what to do, which way to go, how to proceed.

In fact, God, I don't even CARE what I should do, which way I should go, or whether I proceed or not!!!

I mean, this is really bad!!!!!

If you will just show me what you want me to do, I will do it!!!!

It doesn't even matter what it is!!

Just show me.

I will do it.

Fade to comatose, or perhaps even zombie-like state of consciousness.

NOT SLEEP.  Healing, restorative, the boon we all crave, sleep.

I began to feel some peace.  And then, I saw this post from Kelsey, which was about how when we are weak, then God can make us strong.  There is no doubt in my mind that it was meant for me to see, THEN, and I cannot thank her enough for doing it THEN, even though she had no idea what I was going through.  I would not be surprised if it has affected many others.  It made accepting the food, money and household items which my friends and loved ones kept piling on me MUCH easier to take without feeling an inch tall. I hate needing help!!!!  I give help, I do not need help.  Well.........okay, I needed help.  How could I need help??  Insert mad crying here, some kicking, screaming into pillows (so as not to disturb the kids or the neighbors).   Pride can be our worst enemy sometimes, and you should consider the blessing that those who are able to give receive as well as your own blessing in receiving such things.

Once I decided to go with the flow of these rapids in the river of my life, things got a lot easier.  Isn't that what I always say to do?  Sometimes we just have to take our own advice.  I have found out that I am a better giver than I am a receiver.  Who knew?  Shut up.  hahaha

So I grabbed the bull by the horns, called my dad and cried.  

He urged me, as he had been doing for the last year or more, to sell everything and move into his empty house down by my beloved "rock bottom river".  "Honey, just sell everything and come down here.  We'll take care of you."  He had to say it a few times as I considered turning my whole life upside down ("What life do you speak of, exactly?" said the voice in my head), weighed how the boys would take the news ("Do they have a choice?" that maddening voice continued) and wondered who in God's name would buy my house in the condition it was in (What about that stellar house flipper right here in town?" the voice shot down my every argument).  

I considered it seriously.  I had lots of family down there.  I had old friends who were still in the area.  I knew the lay of the land, I knew which way the wind blew.  I knew that no Democrat had held public office for many, many years.  (For the sake of honesty I must state here that I don't actually hate democrats. In fact, there are some that I love, but I would never give them my checkbook.   I do actually hate the tax rate increases they constantly burden the rest of us, and even themselves with.  I'm not even going to mention what they did to insurance, because I don't think I have to.  Bless their little suicidal hearts.  And as long as we're on the subject, for God's sake, don't forget to vote!!!)  I literally could no longer afford to live where I was anyway, and now I would never be able to even keep up, which is all I had been doing for years.  I had to face the truth.

I started seeing it all happen, if only I had the guts to take the first step.  If.  All I had to do was pick up the phone and offer a good business man a good deal.  Even though I did not feel in a position of strength.  Just pick up the phone and see what happened.  That's all.  Just ask.

So I took the biggest step and called the stellar guy. He bought my house within a week.  He came and looked at that mess and didn't blink an eye.  Score one for having the guts to take a chance.  When you are too scared to start, just tell yourself that it doesn't hurt to ask.  It really doesn't hurt.  AT ALL.

I broached the subject with the boys, who took it better than I had hoped.  After all, it wasn't like we were moving to somewhere they had never been before or didn't know anyone.

Then things just started coming together.  Like, within a month I had packed up or sold most of everything I had ever owned, and lost 15 pounds.  My brother rented a U-Haul, drove 5 hours up to help us load it, turned right around, got right back in the truck, and took us home.  There he helped us unload and then drove the U-Haul back and went to his own home in the early hours of the morning.  He would not accept a dime and his only comment was "No big deal.  You keep your money, you'll need it."  This was AFTER he had bought me enough canned goods, dry goods and goodies to last me almost a year.  Yeah.  Somebody's getting a Superman shirt for Christmas this year.   I guess if I hadn't agreed to it he and my dad would have somehow forced me in a scheme to make me think it was all my idea.  They know me that well.  But I was sensible and rode the rapids.  It's just how we roll.  Eventually. Once we run out of M&Ms at least.

See that fog ahead?  This is a perfect metaphor for my life during the month of August in 2014.

At no other time in my life would I have accepted help from Dad.  I would even go so far as to say that at no other time in my life was he in a position to offer it.  The last few years I knew God was working in my life, but I was unclear on what he wanted me to do.  He slammed the door shut on the one thing I thought was stable in my life and left me no other choice but to do what I would never have done on my own.  Even though I almost had a nervous breakdown and could possibly have let it go and just kept eating M&Ms and watched crap tv until the men in white coats came to take me away, in retrospect it was one of the BEST thing that has ever happened to me.  I'm not even going to go into the relief I feel on a daily basis when I think about still going into that building and sitting all day, every day, getting more out of shape and more hateful by the hour.  Because that would be beneath me.  It really would.  I thank God that is no longer my life.

Instead, now I drive into town on roads that look like this.

Admire scenery like this.

 A trip to the park.

 In the foreground of this shot is a memorial to George Washington Carver, who started his education here.

 There are fish and ducks to feed.

Southern Missouri is recognizable by the running water everywhere, over rocks that makes the water look clear

 All of these were taken at the city park in Neosho, Missouri.

I have always loved the houses made from the stones that occur naturally in the area.

Once you live near running water, you will never feel at home away from it.  The noise it makes, the way the sun dances off of it, the sense of purpose.  It never leaves you.  It marks your soul and makes you realize how fast time is always moving.

When I get bored, I try to figure out that the house at up these stairs looks like.  One day I will find the street it is on from the other side, on the top of the hill.  I figure it will be easier than climbing all those stairs and scaring them to death unexpectedly, or getting thrown back down them.  

See those stairs on the left side of the picture?

They lead to this house.  It's all you can see with the leaves on the trees, but it looks like it would be worth the climb, were you rude enough to invade their privacy, which I am not.

But it looks REALLY COOL!!!!  Perhaps someday I will "know" this house.

On my way back home I get to go by this, which is one of my favorite parts.  It's a civil war fence, which confederate soldiers hid behind during the war right outside of Newtonia, and where cannon balls and spoons and such are still uncovered when the field behind is plowed each spring.

Ok, it's beginning to fall apart in places, but have some respect, it's OLD.

To top it all off, this stands at the courthouse where I registered to vote.

What's not to love?  I was meant to be here!!

If all that were not enough, which it is, this is my view, from the front porch in my little village.

A calm place to be, where I can hear the voices of my youth and see the people who knew me when.  Before I was an adult or anybody's mother.  When I was just me.  The people who knew you when you were young always will.  That's a fact.

From the driveway.  That field just got bailed and contains cows.  I like cows.

So life goes on.  Growing up with a father from SW Missouri and a mother from NE Missouri, (part hill-billy, part WASP) my heart was always split.  No matter how glad I was to be going to one place, I was always sad to be leaving the other.  You can't be two places at once, but two places can share equal space in your heart.  To choose one over the other would be impossible.  It would be like loving one child more than another.  Impossible.  You love each one for different things, in different ways, but not more than any other.  There is room for both.  Now there is time for both.  I remain ready, and God continues His work on me.  Here I have time and space to consider just what I have been readied for, and I thank Him for it.  I wouldn't change a single thing that has brought me here.  They boys have settled in and are learning to love two places at the same time also.  This has only added to their lives, not taken anything away. The dogs seem happy too, although they seem terrified to leave the yard, which only works in my favor.  Even that loose end has been tied up.  Only God, as Patty would say.  Only God could have done all this.

Prayer For A Happy Death.......

Life is full of twists, turns and surprises.  Dealing with death, and grief, is a part of life that you may get used to, but the pain never lessens, as far as I know.  Whether death comes suddenly or after a long decline, you will learn that it is really just the last doorway we all pass through on this earth.  After that it is a mystery, and people of faith have a comfort that people without faith simply do not.  People without faith are truly bereft, having nothing to hold on to after that. 

Dealing with death is just another skill we are forced to learn along the way, unless you die very young.   Everyone has their own way of dealing with it, but I did find a prayer that I thought fit.  I found this one  here.  I thought it covered everything, and the second stanza especially has helped me when seeing someone through that doorway.  

In the times when you feel completely abandoned and left behind, that is when you should know that none of us is EVER completely abandoned or left behind, because God is with us all.  No matter how scared, lonely, or broken we are, He is with us.  We are never alone, even in death.  Our loved ones who have gone before are waiting on our rebirth into that realm, and they rejoice to see us again.  They are waiting for you or your loved one just like we wait on babies to be born on earth.  This is the comfort of Christians.  I highly recommend this comfort, and I hope this prayer will help you when you most need it.  All you ever have to do is ask, and He will be there.

A Prayer For The Dying

Dear Heavenly Father, with heavy hearts we come to you.  You are Almighty Creator God; holy and full of grace and love.  Our hearts are heavy because of a life that is leaving us.  Death engulfs us Lord.  Fear is waiting to take us down.  Thank you Father, that because of Jesus, You know our fear and pain intimately.  Thank You that Jesus knows the way through this dark shadow.  Take the hand of our dear sister/brother and make Yourself known.  Guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Keep that which is Your own and take it into eternity to be with You.  In Jesus, death is but a shadow.  Jesus has swallowed up its sorrow and pain.  Thank you Jesus for the cross.  Thank you Jesus for the resurrection.  Lord, we are before You, confessing that You are Lord of all; the gate keeper to eternal life.  Your grace and love abound even as our sin seems ever increasing.  Take our hands, Lord, and lead us through.  We lay our fears at your feet.  Your promise is that You- and You alone- will come to take us home.  As it says in Psalms 23:4, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; thy rod and staff, they comfort me."

Thank You for the comfort we find in Your presence.  Through the holy spirit we know Your presence is with us.  Send us Your peace, Lord, the peace that passes all understanding.  Don't let us waver and doubt.  Give us a faith that is everlasting.  We release our lives into Your hands.   As we wait and watch, we know Lord that none of us will escape this journey through death.  Teach us how to embrace it with faith.  Give us strength to hold up those who are stepping closer to seeing You face to face.  Take away the fear in the heart of our loved one who will soon see You; let them find peace in Your grace, comfort in Your love, and strength in Your mighty power over death.  Comfort us as our grief seems to over power us.

You are a good, just, righteous and loving Father.  Don't let us grow bitter in this shadow of death.  But pierce our hearts with a joy that we cannot fathom or understand.  A joy that is above all that is corrupted here on earth.  Jesus, You wept over death, and so to, we weep.  But it is a grief and a mourning that has joy on the other side.  You are conqueror of all; and so we trust You.  We trust that You will do what is right, what is loving.  Whether in death or in life, Your will is accomplished and You are sovereign.  May we know Your presence Lord.  Keep us ever aware of Your loving hand guiding us through all things.  In the name of Jesus, we pray.

Amen

Hurrying Up and Waiting......

It's been such a strange spring, with the weather cooler than normal and a lot of wet, damp chill.  This has made my bones ache and left me feeling like time is not passing the way it should.  I have felt vaguely discomforted and been frustrated with a mind that won't stop turning while simultaneously being physically unable to move anything forward.  Nothing has been normal for a while now.  It hasn't been bad, but it just hasn't been normal.  Everything has been holding it's breath, waiting, suspended, and it's been a strain on me.

You know how it is?  You make all these plans, and then something or another happens and you are stymied, no matter which way you turn.  I think these times might be time-outs from God, so I use them.  I ask for signs and look for clues, search for patterns and proceed cautiously.  I watch.  And then, this time, I spent a couple of days on gravel roads with dear, old friends, and scouted wild flowers for transplanting and old windmills just because.  Just because we are still alive, and we used to do these things years ago, and it's been a long time since we took the time, and time is passing so fast and things are changing so much.

It's been a strange time, and I'm just talking specifically about my own personal realm.  I am not even going to bring up the state of the world, because I think we all know we are past a certain crossroads.  The fact that now we are going to have to listen to a bunch of people who will say they didn't know we were at a crossroads is not going to improve my mood, but that's beside the point now.  Whatever the future brings is headed right for us.  But enough, enough of that.  Back to small details, so much easier and healthier to obsess over.

Walking pneumonia brought us to a rather abrupt halt for a few weeks on the house, but I took that in stride by telling myself that if I would just learn to have some patience, God could quit giving me opportunities to develop more of it.  So I took deep breaths and have learned to mud and sand, sand and mud like a pro, if I do say so myself.  It still doesn't look like much, but if you close your eyes and just feel my walls they feel perfect, and will soon look that way also.  The walking pneumonia has been vanquished and now things should start moving very quickly indeed.  I don't really want to talk about the paint colors because I think I may have varied my selections a bit, but if this year has taught me anything it is this: that the colors of my walls will never have an important role to play in anyone's life, and thank God for that.  I couldn't take that kind of pressure.

And speaking of pressure, I don't want to put anyone under any, but our Charli-girl has already taken longer than I would like to get here!  Och! See how many opportunities I make God give me??????  I choose to believe this particular opportunity is comparable to, say, the final of the class, as opposed to just another test.  But I can be a stubborn wench and only time will tell.  I continue to work on this, and I know it could be worse. ;)

I have packed my bag, eagerly awaiting my Charli's arrival.  I often say her name out loud, in a sing-song voice, as if to pull her attention back to remembering to be born, like a reminder.  I want her to know she is anticipated, and no matter how scared she (or her mother, or her father for that matter) might be of what is coming, that it will be all right.  She will be loved and cherished every day that we have her here on this earth.  The Rockette has also been saying her name out loud, so that she will recognize her name by the time she gets here.  We call her together, with all our love, so she will be comforted and summon the strength to find her way.  I imagine both of them gathering their courage, taking the plunge, and going through that doorway

I haven't felt this way since I was about 11 and still got butterflies remembering that Christmas was coming soon.  It's been a real trip and it hasn't even gotten started yet.  I've been doing what I can, besides calling her out loud in case she's forgotten, I've been brushing up on my stories of the olden times, When I Grew Up, and telling The Rock Star that he better get ready, because he is about to fall in love for good.  He's about to be......gobsmacked with it!

1. gob·smacked

   ˈgäbˌsmakt/

   adjective

   BRITISHinformal

   1. utterly astonished; astounded.

   

   Choose languageAfrikaansAlbanianArabicArmenianAzerbaijaniBasqueBelarusianBengaliBosnianBulgarianCatalanCebuanoChinese (Simplified)Chinese (Traditional)CroatianCzechDanishDutchEsperantoEstonianFilipinoFinnishFrenchGalicianGeorgianGermanGreekGujaratiHaitianHausaHebrewHindiHmongHungarianIcelandicIgboIndonesianIrishItalianJapaneseJavaneseKannadaKhmerKoreanLaoLatinLatvianLithuanianMacedonianMalayMalteseMaoriMarathiMongolianNepaliNorwegianPersianPolishPortuguesePunjabiRomanianRussianSerbianSlovakSlovenianSomaliSpanishSwahiliSwedishTamilTeluguThaiTurkishUkrainianUrduVietnameseWelshYiddishYorubaZulu

   

The Beautiful Redhead and The Magic Man both just had birthdays, which they celebrated amongst haunted wineries and Redwood trees.  I shot her a text the morning she turned 22 and only cried a little when I told her it was time for her to be the Queen of Her Own Life.  Watching her spread her wings and fly has been both gratifying and terrifying.  It brings to mind this song, which her grandmother also loved, and she comes from a long line of strong women who always Dance when they get the chance.  I got her more jewelry, because I can never not buy her jewelry, and because frankly, I never knew a daughter more delightful or more cherished.

It's so much fun when your kids get older and make their own lives.  We have been so blessed by these two new members who seem to fit so well.  For this reason, everyone should have children.  LOTS of them, because without them, what would you do?  And what difference would it make?  Huh?  At some point in your life  you will start to think about your accomplishments, you will take stock and I hope you are proud of your life when that happens to you.  I am.  I finally feel like an adult, and I am equal to the task.

What tomorrow holds remains a mystery, as always.  I am just patiently (the voice inside my head just snorted--I swear) waiting and taking time to mark how fast time is whirling now.  This is my life, and I love it so very much.  Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow!  :D

The Faith of a Child....

Do you remember the movie The Santa Claus, with Tim Allen?  It was my favorite Santa Clause movie of all time.  What I loved about it was that anything that had to do with Santa Clause just happened.  It was magic.  Whether you believed it or not, whether you tried to figure out how it could be, none of this mattered at all.  It just happened.  It was magic.  You could count on it even if you could not for the life of you figure out "how" or "why".  You had to move with it and deal with it anyway, because it was going to happen, due to it being magic.
It was a great lesson in faith, to me.  When it comes to God, and faith, it doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, or whether you can figure out the "how" or the "why".  It just happens.  Because it's God.  Faith is counting on it anyway.
It is nothing more than having the faith of a child, which we have all mastered by the time we are a year old.  Why do we have to make it more complicated than that?  That would just be a waste of time.
"For one who believes, no explanation is necessary.  For one who does not believe, no explanation is adequate."  Who said that?  I forget, but it's still the truth anyway.
Children just believe, without worrying about the details.  We should take a lesson from them.
For me, wi-fi is a good example of this.  To me, it's just magic.  I cannot for the life of me figure out how it works, but it does.  It's just like magic to me.
Here is a recent slice of an evening spent with my favorite "widdle big kid", Abigail Lea, that brought this all back to me.

Abigail and I outside looking at the moon.  
Our voices floating down the street, where I hope we are not disturbing those already in bed. 
 Looking at the moon.

I mention how amazing the universe is and how God made it all.

Which brings her to a question that has been rolling around in her head for awhile.

"Hey, where is God at?  He has to be somewhere...."

*skips a straight line where the driveway meets the lawn, leans down and looks inside the jonquil leaves, alternately bringing her hands up like a pirouette,  then swinging them down so that one brushes along the leaves of the jonquils, feet moving continuously, landing daintily, coming down so assuredly, dancing a straight line that leaves me amazed*

"He's everywhere, all the time," I reply.

"Is He here?  In front of me?  I can't see him."

*Waves her hands in the air,as if she can conjure up God in front of her, (perhaps she can).  Looks down, ruffles the jonquil leaves, looks up, spins around, stops because we are at the end of the drive, turns around looking at the sky.  Giggles.*

"Of course not, silly, He's not a human, like us, He's a spirit, you have to feel him in your heart.  Can't you feel how much He loves you?"

*She closes her eyes, lifts her arms up over head, and says "Yes!  I can!  He loves me more than the moon and the stars!"

The same as her mother and I.  Go figure.

*starts the skip back, now with the other hand brushing the jonquil leaves, dancing all the way.  I can almost hear the angel wings around us. She is a sprite dancing, 

a fairy flitting,

 perfectly magic, 

all things good and pure, 

happy, beloved, safe*

We stop at the end of the porch.  She turns around, waves.

"Good night, moon, good night, stars."

She dances ahead, leading me, her faithful companion, in for the night.

We have our routines.

  It's time for bed, and (more) prayers.

Right before she drifts off to sleep, though yawns, she assures me that of all little girls who have loved me, she loves me best, and always will.

I tell her that's just how God loves us, always.

Welcome to Blogland, Patty Miller!

This is a post to welcome a new blog to the land and to my blog list.

Please check out my dear friend's new blog at http://learninglifethroughperseverance.blogspot.com

She has been a beacon throughout my entire adult life. She was my first boss, and remains one of my idols.

I don't even know who I would be without her.

After not talking for years, as mother's tend to do when their babies are "growing out from under them" (her words, spoken circa 2004 or thereabouts), I called her up out of the blue and the depths of a depression that was just seeming to lift.

I was astounded to learn that she had 

1) retired  (WHAT?!)

2) survived breast cancer (WHAT????!!!!!)

3) felt called by God to do something more for Him than running production facilities, so she became a part time minister at the Trinity United Methodist Church in Moberly.  (OH!)

She's that kind of woman.  Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.....there is simply nothing that she can't handle.  She is human, though, and now ready to broadcast her awesomeness to the world.  At least the parts that have the internets.

Needless to say, we had a lot to catch up on.

She's 10 feet tall and bullet proof, in my opinion.  She will deny this.  It's part of her awesomeness!

Her husband's just as good and I have loved her boys since they were practically babies!  SOB!

Can't wait to see what she does next!  Check her out and get in on all the good stuff!

LOVE HER!

Lord, Make Me An Instrument of Thy Peace

I have another prayer today.  Following the devastation in Joplin, Mo., as well as all the other states that have been hit by tornadoes or flooding recently, I think it's appropriate.

The United States of America is made up of wonderful people.  It has come home to me in countless ways that we really are at our best during the worst of times. 

I think it is important to spend time at prayer when you are not asking for anything.  As a parent, I cannot help but think that God appreciates that. 

He knows what we want.  He knows what we need.  These things are often the opposite of each other, at least in my case.  Blind trust is hard, even with God.  The arrogance of man is truly what sets us apart from the animals.  How caught up we get in what we "want"....what we "need".  I have even caught myself trying to explain things to God before!  Once you start explaining it's hard to tell when it will end, but not where it will end up.  It always ends up in the same place, I just take the long way around sometimes.  I'm getting better, but still have far to go and I may never get there!  I don't worry about the destination anymore.  I'm caught up in the journey these days, still learning to trust blindly and trying not to miss the lessons. 

Sometimes you have to just quit asking and listen and you might be surprised what you hear.  Surrender.  You will feel better knowing that you aren't required to do it all by yourself.  There will be help.  Don't wonder where it will come from, just trust that it will.  It just will.  Really.

This is dedicated to all the public servants, volunteers, bikers, truckers, circus workers, elephants, and everyone who helps in any way to do the Lord's work.  Look around.  They are everywhere!!

Lord, Make Me an Instrument of Thy Peace

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is offence, pardon,
Where there is discord, unity,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is error, truth,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is sadness, joy,
Where there is darkness, light.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Mistaken lyrics beget blog title

Update on non-smoking:  I have noticed, as have a couple of others, that I am smoking the magic stick less.  It is now about 9 or 10 in the morning before I really have a craving for the nicotine.
I have also heard rumblings of the starter kits being taken off the market.  I haven't researched it yet, but word on the street is that the FDA is throwing a fit because they haven't approved it.  I didn't know that was even a requirement of the FDA anymore with all the commercials for drugs on TV now, which turn out to have class action suits filed within a period of about 3 years because the drug they advertised and you went and got from your Dr. turned out to have serious side effects that will probably kill you.  Have you actually listened to those commercials?  The side effects they read at the end always have me in stitches.  You really have to wonder who would need a drug that bad.
But back to the electric cigarettes, I think we will still be able to buy the cartridge refills.  If you are interested in one at all, I would buy one or two now.  It has been a miracle for me and several of my friends. No one who has tried one has said it did not cut down on thier smoking.

In other news, I will tell you where the name of my blog comes from.  My oldest son, the Rock Star, recently recorded a CD with his band. This CD is the result of years of work, sweat, money, tears and life experience and I am so very proud of these kids.  The name of the band is Our Last Run.  I happen to know they take all exposure, especially if it's free, and I have been cleared to talk about them.
These kids have been playing together for 4 or 5 years, and for most of those years, our house was a place where musical instruments were always laying out, song lists and partially written songs were on slips of paper everywhere, and it was not uncommon for 5 or 6 strapping young gentlemen to wander in and inquire if there was anything to eat. (There was, as a result of my having discovered Pioneer
Woman about that time.)
It was loud, the hours were not regular, and you might get a call at 10 pm requesting an extension cord or something be delivered to where the band was playing.  The Rock Star wrote most of the lyrics and used words like "debris" and "disarray", which thrilled his already proud mother to no end.   "Hey, mom, listen to this song and help me figure out what to do with it" was a common request.
So, you would think I would know all the words, right?  Not so right. 
When I got my advance copy, I put it in my car and rode around until I had listened to the whole thing.  When I got home, I told The Rock Star that I absolutely loved it, raved on and on very enthusiastically, and said "Lace your days with hope", that is the best line.  The Rock Star didn't miss a beat.  He just smiled fondly and said "Huh.  It's actually "replace your fears with hope", but that's actually better.  I think I'll use that."  I felt terrible about it.  I assured him it probably wasn't his singing, it was more likely my old hearing.  But since I came up with it I decided to use it for my blog title.  If he wants to use it now I will of course give him permission.
I can't tell you what it is as a mother to listen to these songs.  They chronicle his life in those years, and he has grown so much and so WELL that I can only hope he never stops.  It's been 6 months and I still can't keep from tearing up everytime I listen to it.
If I had known when I became a mother how wonderful it would turn out, I would do it all again, 1000 times.  It is being a parent that makes us become the best person we can be.  We live a certain way not because we like to (at first) but to give our children an example of how to live thier lives.  I used to think as a young mother that when the kids grew up I would have time to chase my own dreams.  Along the way I came to realize that my children were the only dreams I ever had worth pursuing. 
I think sacrifice is the secret to life.  You have to do it for a long time without getting anything back.  Because otherwise, it's not really sacrifice, is it?  If you do it long enough, you will learn to love it for itself.  It ceases to matter whether you get anything back.  And when you do, it only makes you glad they see that you made it and are grateful in turn. 
That's how you know they will be all right, even if you die tomorrow.  It all comes full circle and you will find that all those years you went on because you didn't know what else to do, well, there was a plan.  You were doing exactly what you were supposed to.
It's a really good feeling.  It takes 20 years, but it's SO SO worth it.

That should be enough hope to lace several days.  Especially for the young mothers who are trapped at home during this long, miserably cold haul up the hill to spring.  Take heart and have a little faith in yourself.  Trust God.  He really is in control.