Goin' To The Chapel........

We ended the year in style at a courthouse ceremony that legalized the new daughter we added to our family this year.  Yes, that is right.  Our Rockette finally carries the family name.  We still have a lovely wedding and reception to come, but we got the paperwork part taken care of.

It is my extreme pleasure to welcome our Rockette formally into our family.  

This woman just blows me away.   There is nothing that she cannot handle.  She worked all day on her "wedding day", came home, got ready herself, got our Charli-girl ready, remembered the ring, and the paperwork, out the door we went.  Into the bitter cold, on to the waiting, running and warm vehicle we went, when Turkey, the sweetest if most exasperating dog in the world, shot out the front door also.  The Rockette had the baby, the paperwork, the ring, and I was following loaded down with purses, diaper bag and coats, cussing Turkey all the way.  Turkey decided to jump into the vehicle but resist my serious attempts to capture and/or throttle him.  The Rockette assured me this was fine.  Not only did she stop everything she was doing and patiently, without even a bad word or wrinkle of her beautiful brow, capture the escapee and loving deposit him back into the house, but she did it all without being late to her own wedding.

I would have left that dog to fend for himself on the mean streets of Kansas City, Kansas until I decided to come home, but not our Rockette.  I knew she was good but I didn't even know how good.  Now I knew.  I think she must be an angel in disguise!

After that she zipped us through the kind of traffic that gives me hives like a pro.  All I had to to was ride in the back with my beloved Charli-girl.  I tried not to look at the traffic, or think about it either.  Instead I comforted myself with the thought that if I ever do become senile or get dementia that the Rockette would take good care of me.  Whether I know it or now, I know that she will take the best possible care of me without ever losing her temper and she won't forget any of the details.  I can truly trust this woman's judgement and rest easy knowing that if I forget some of the details, she is on the case.

Once at the courthouse, being the last to arrive, we had to go through a metal detector and have everything scanned.  I was about ready to sit down and cry by then, but she set a good example and I just followed along.  I marveled at who the adult was here, because it was not me.

A short ceremony followed, with just a few tears being shed, even by me, because this was such a happy occasion.  An occasion that we have waited for and were blessed to attend.  We got a few pictures afterwards, during which Charli tried to eat the wedding bouquet and learned that flowers are not for eating.

Due to the time, the courthouse was shutting down so we had to make our way to a particular door.  I never knew which one, I just followed the crowd.  We had to split into two elevators, and though our elevator was supposed to go to floor 1, a whole bunch of us ended up on floor 8, and had to try again once we realized our mistake.  If you must be lost, always do it with a crowd.  Safety truly is in numbers.

Eventually we all got to the door we were supposed to out and then all that remained was to try and find our cars in the bitter cold.  The Rockette did this also, owing to the fact that The Rock Star (and herself) have been sick for several weeks.  The Rockette deemed the Rock Star too sick to go find the car and faithfully brought it around while we waited in the warm foyer with our Charli girl secured in her car seat under some blankets.

We went to dinner, all of us strung out along a long table.  The Beautiful Redhead and Magic Man showed up along with some friends of the couple's from work.  I looked down at our two families, now joined as one, and thanked God that this couple had found each other and brought us all together for the rest of our lives.  Babies were passed around, everyone was smiling and visiting with each other.  My own Beautiful Redhead's laughter pealed out at one point, filling my heart and eyes with wonder and gratitude that we were all there in the moment.  Also thinking ahead to the day when we would once again be joined for her own wedding day.  I assume it will be the Magic Man she marries that day.  If not, a whole lot of hearts will be broken wide open because we love him too.

If any doubt remained that our two families were compatible, they were put to rest in a hurry when a rude, and quite possibly drunken woman yelled at my own Rock Star to "shut the damn door" while we were carrying stuff out after dinner.  The Rock Star is by nature a pretty mellow fellow, and he tends to get upset rarely but memorably like his mother.  Add to that the slow burn that may smolder for decades but never be forgotten, which he gets from his father, and you have a formidable enemy that looks so good and seems so nice you would have a hard time believing it until it happens to you.  3 of us followed him to the car, listening to the Rock Star rehearse what he was going to say to that woman all the way to the car, back through the restaurant and back to the room we had dined in, I was readying myself for true battle.  Not to worry though, I should have known The Rockette herself was handling that with panache in the time we were gone.  By that time the rude woman's date-or husband-or whatever, had told her she was embarrassing him, to which she indicated that she didn't give a damn about that either.   That poor man was doing all he could to make himself invisible.  All I wanted to say was "Have another drink, honey!", because I learned years ago that alcohol does not usually complement your basic personality or endear you to those who are not inebriated also.  The most you can hope for, I have learned, is that they pass out quickly.  Hence the phrase "Have another drink!"  And be quick about it!  Could I interest you in some grain alcohol?  Because we don't have all night!  The entertainment they provide, I must point out, cannot be replicated or topped by much that I have ever seen.  :D  

At any rate, I believe she rued the day she had let her mouth get away from her as 20 people bore down on her and quite effectively brought peace and order to that restaurant once again.  It was actually one of the funniest things I have ever been lucky enough to witness and I can report truthfully that our families are truly united, for better or for worse.  We rose as one, with even the babies paying attention.  We are in this together, come what may!  The enemy was vanquished in short order. 

It certainly ended the year 2014 on a memorable note.  That's all I've got to say about that!  I daresay no one who was there will ever forget it.  One marriage starting out strong, one possible marriage limping along.....if that "lady" was on a first date I doubt there will be a second.  Just saying.

Somehow I just know the wedding and reception will fall a little short on memorable episodes.  At least, that is my hope.  I suppose it is always best not to rule anything out.

So bring on 2015!  Here is to the first of many happy years with the new and formidable Mr. and Mrs. Clark, with all our love, good wishes and unquestionable support.  I just have the best feeling about this one.

It's about time you two had another dance on your old mom.  Love you both forever.

Charli Arrives In Her Own Sweet Time.......

July started off with a bang!  Our Charli-girl made her appearance in the afternoon, after two nights and two days of labor, which her mother made look easy.  I do believe epidurals have come a long, long way in the last 20 years.   The rest of us spent a long day of waiting and watching, during which we did not eat, convinced that if we left we would miss everything.  I don't want to assume that she takes after the Beautiful Redhead in making us wait, but she did make us wait and wait we did, as we are wont to do when it comes to our girls.  They are worth it, and we have adjusted.  My Dad had just left in desperation to eat, and made it to the parking lot with my Oldest Baby when I texted him that she had arrived.  He only spent a few seconds deciding whether I could possibly be messing with him before they turned right around and came back to see our baby.

Our world just got smaller and our focus re-adjusted.

This was our first look at her, and our first picture of the new family.

For some strange reason, we could not get The Rockette to look up from that baby.  Which is exactly right.  :D

It's hard to take pictures while you are holding a baby, but if you will forgive my finger, I was gracious enough to stop kissing her sweet little neck long enough to snap this on day 7. Not bad for an old grandma.

Charli is perfect, of course, and the center of our world.  She has hair, which is new to me and I credit her mother for.  She has long fingers and toes.  She has the sweetest little voice, and we all attend her, just waiting for her to make a noise.  She has re-energized all of us.

I recognized those toes, and they got lots of kisses, too.  this is the first song I ever sang to my Charli-girl.  I'm no Elvis, but she has no idea who Elvis is at this point.

How to put into words what becoming a grandmother feels like?  I am not sure I have the right words.  To see your grown son pick a woman that sets your heart at ease is a blessing, and The Rockette has been nothing but.  I offered to go to the house and make sure laundry was done, wipe down everything, etc., just so it would done when they got home and they wouldn't have to worry about silly details like that when they had a new baby to worship.  In doing so I found a peace that I never expected.  The Rockette may be young, but she is an old soul.  She had prepared for everything, stocked up, organized and really there was not much to do.  I cannot imagine that many 25 year old's have prepared for the future like our Rockette.  She even looked glorious after giving birth, a feat pulled off by few indeed.

Can't take my off of you--ooo, You're just too good to be true-ooo.........this was the first song I ever sang to my own Beautiful Redhead.

Our Rock Star and the Rockette have a beautiful and harmonious home.  Charli has 3 cats and a dog, and everyone in that house is peaceful.  Just look at Turkey, the dog, if you don't believe me.  I credited this rescue dog with making The Rock Star a parent years ago.  I believe it kept him from the bar scene that so many young people fall prey to, as he had to get home to take care of Turkey instead of getting roaring drunk every night.  Then he met The Rockette, who was already past that point and has already been such a blessing to our family.  God works in mysterious ways, and I have about given up questioning.  Nothing I ever wanted more in this world than another daughter, and just look how that paid off!

Turkey's not worried.  About anything.  Unless it storms or firecrackers go off.

To know that your grown child has picked another grown child and now have made a family is the best feeling in the world.  I cannot find the words to express the feeling you get when you see your baby hold their own.  You feel relief, you feel so proud, and even though you know many of the things ahead of them, I did not worry a bit.  This may be unique to me, I guess it would depend on the child, but this worry is not mine.  Charli has two good parents.  I have no fear for her future on any account, and I thank God for this several times each day.

Day 1, The Rock Star sees his future.  My heart expanded 10 times it's normal size.

Day 7: There's no place like home.  She looks a lot like her daddy right now.  This child may never get put down until she demands her freedom.  I figure we have a year on the outside.

So now all I have to do is figure out how to live without kissing her at least once a week, or drive a lot.  Obviously my plan is to drive a lot.  :D  I tool around the city now just like I know where I am going, and The Rockette herself has pronounced me a grown up in this.  It's been a while since one so young made me feel proud of myself.  I have the feeling she will guide me in ways I can only imagine at this point, and that is a comfort to me.  My army of wooden spoon-wielding women just got a brand new recruit.  :D  Take heed, world: straighten up and fly right or suffer a blow from a wooden spoon upside "yo haid" .  Don't say you were not warned.

See those fingers?  Nana's piano awaits!

Great Grandad was exceedingly happy.  Talk about redemption!  He cried like a baby.  So did I.  We are cry-ers, we cain't hep it.  We are not ashamed.

And so begins the adventures of Charli.  Some things we will teach her, some things she will teach us.  I plan to hang onto every word she ever says, and I do not believe I am the only one.

There's that wise, unconcerned new born look that always makes me wonder how I measure up.  I will do my level best for good reviews.

Oh, my little Charli-girl, the things we will do........ Stay tuned because we have lots of fun and exciting times ahead.  Life goes on and on, and the twists and turns just keep getting better.  For now, we are head over heels in love and we plan to enjoy the honeymoon phase very much indeed.

Hurrying Up and Waiting......

It's been such a strange spring, with the weather cooler than normal and a lot of wet, damp chill.  This has made my bones ache and left me feeling like time is not passing the way it should.  I have felt vaguely discomforted and been frustrated with a mind that won't stop turning while simultaneously being physically unable to move anything forward.  Nothing has been normal for a while now.  It hasn't been bad, but it just hasn't been normal.  Everything has been holding it's breath, waiting, suspended, and it's been a strain on me.

You know how it is?  You make all these plans, and then something or another happens and you are stymied, no matter which way you turn.  I think these times might be time-outs from God, so I use them.  I ask for signs and look for clues, search for patterns and proceed cautiously.  I watch.  And then, this time, I spent a couple of days on gravel roads with dear, old friends, and scouted wild flowers for transplanting and old windmills just because.  Just because we are still alive, and we used to do these things years ago, and it's been a long time since we took the time, and time is passing so fast and things are changing so much.

It's been a strange time, and I'm just talking specifically about my own personal realm.  I am not even going to bring up the state of the world, because I think we all know we are past a certain crossroads.  The fact that now we are going to have to listen to a bunch of people who will say they didn't know we were at a crossroads is not going to improve my mood, but that's beside the point now.  Whatever the future brings is headed right for us.  But enough, enough of that.  Back to small details, so much easier and healthier to obsess over.

Walking pneumonia brought us to a rather abrupt halt for a few weeks on the house, but I took that in stride by telling myself that if I would just learn to have some patience, God could quit giving me opportunities to develop more of it.  So I took deep breaths and have learned to mud and sand, sand and mud like a pro, if I do say so myself.  It still doesn't look like much, but if you close your eyes and just feel my walls they feel perfect, and will soon look that way also.  The walking pneumonia has been vanquished and now things should start moving very quickly indeed.  I don't really want to talk about the paint colors because I think I may have varied my selections a bit, but if this year has taught me anything it is this: that the colors of my walls will never have an important role to play in anyone's life, and thank God for that.  I couldn't take that kind of pressure.

And speaking of pressure, I don't want to put anyone under any, but our Charli-girl has already taken longer than I would like to get here!  Och! See how many opportunities I make God give me??????  I choose to believe this particular opportunity is comparable to, say, the final of the class, as opposed to just another test.  But I can be a stubborn wench and only time will tell.  I continue to work on this, and I know it could be worse. ;)

I have packed my bag, eagerly awaiting my Charli's arrival.  I often say her name out loud, in a sing-song voice, as if to pull her attention back to remembering to be born, like a reminder.  I want her to know she is anticipated, and no matter how scared she (or her mother, or her father for that matter) might be of what is coming, that it will be all right.  She will be loved and cherished every day that we have her here on this earth.  The Rockette has also been saying her name out loud, so that she will recognize her name by the time she gets here.  We call her together, with all our love, so she will be comforted and summon the strength to find her way.  I imagine both of them gathering their courage, taking the plunge, and going through that doorway

I haven't felt this way since I was about 11 and still got butterflies remembering that Christmas was coming soon.  It's been a real trip and it hasn't even gotten started yet.  I've been doing what I can, besides calling her out loud in case she's forgotten, I've been brushing up on my stories of the olden times, When I Grew Up, and telling The Rock Star that he better get ready, because he is about to fall in love for good.  He's about to be......gobsmacked with it!

1. gob·smacked

   ˈgäbˌsmakt/

   adjective

   BRITISHinformal

   1. utterly astonished; astounded.

   

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The Beautiful Redhead and The Magic Man both just had birthdays, which they celebrated amongst haunted wineries and Redwood trees.  I shot her a text the morning she turned 22 and only cried a little when I told her it was time for her to be the Queen of Her Own Life.  Watching her spread her wings and fly has been both gratifying and terrifying.  It brings to mind this song, which her grandmother also loved, and she comes from a long line of strong women who always Dance when they get the chance.  I got her more jewelry, because I can never not buy her jewelry, and because frankly, I never knew a daughter more delightful or more cherished.

It's so much fun when your kids get older and make their own lives.  We have been so blessed by these two new members who seem to fit so well.  For this reason, everyone should have children.  LOTS of them, because without them, what would you do?  And what difference would it make?  Huh?  At some point in your life  you will start to think about your accomplishments, you will take stock and I hope you are proud of your life when that happens to you.  I am.  I finally feel like an adult, and I am equal to the task.

What tomorrow holds remains a mystery, as always.  I am just patiently (the voice inside my head just snorted--I swear) waiting and taking time to mark how fast time is whirling now.  This is my life, and I love it so very much.  Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow!  :D

Charli's Magical Talisman.......Updated

Sorry this took so long but I had to figure out how to transfer pictures from my camera to my laptop and man, did it ever take me forever!!  Och!  But I did it.  Once again I have triumphed over technology that seems to be designed to destroy every shred of self confidence I have left.  But I've blogged before about how you should not expect anything to make sense........

Let's get to the good stuff.

Charli's Magical Talisman

Last weekend I loaded the twins in the car and headed to KC to meet The Rock Star, Rockette, The Beautiful Redhead and her smashing boyfriend, and my beloved Bonus Daughter.

The Rock Star and Rockette, Charli's parents.  This child is going to be beautiful!

We only got lost and turned around once, prompting the twins to throw caution to the wind and let their smart phones track our activity down a major interstate against our better judgement.  Good times.  It worked.  Not only did the technology work, but it prompted the twins to work together in tandem, with one watching the blue line and trying to figure out where we were going and the other one announcing where we were going from the googled directions.

Technology succeeded where I have failed many times.

This whole episode disturbed me on so many levels I promptly decided to block the whole thing out.

The Beautiful Redhead and her smashing boyfriend, who I hope she keeps.  I wuv him.

Luckily my bonus daughter, who keeps me on track (on the off chance that I am ever ON track) called to check on me.  Her wonderful husband talked me through yet another panic attack wherein I back-tracked for 15 miles and then let him convince me I was right the first time.

  Again.

This man has the patience of Job, and knowledge of all major thoroughfares of the greater Metro area, for which I am grateful.

We had a wonderful lunch, with only one little, our own Rosie- Pose, who looked at us suspiciously.  I promised her that her mother wasn't leaving and she seemed to relax.  :D

Practicing for the very very near future.

The Rock Star and Rosie charmed each other in equal measure.

I have to say she is very well behaved and did not even make very much noise.  I held out till we had eaten before I had to hold her.  That is very good for me.  Usually I cave right off and we all wear some food home.  I'm getting better.

This face has only been in my life for 17 months but I can't remember life without her.  Kids perform that neat trick all. the. time.

Then it was back to the house for the fun stuff!!  I told you I would figure out how to do this, and I did.  First simply go to Amazon.com and search for "crystal window hangings".  This will lead to maybe several hours sifting through great bargains and there is simply no telling where you might end up.  Have fun.  It's one of those things where you go into the zone, which we never, ever, feel until we start coming out of the zone and realize several hours of our lives have passed.

It happens.

No judgement here. 

Don't feel bad if you get lost in the possibilities.  What else are you supposed to do when there are still 3 long months until you get to hold your baby?

Pick the cheapest, fakest ones you can find, because weight will be an issue unless you want to hang a rod holder for these babies, which we did not.  The sun shines through them all just the same and I wanted good coverage, as this was a western facing window.

I used 25 for a 32 inch window plus one biggie for the middle.  I couldn't resist.  I'm glad I didn't, too.

That is the middle stone, with purple and teal blue stones stacked on top.  The picture doesn't do it justice, but it is well worth the 19.00 I paid for it. I highly recommend these for Christmas presents for the person who has everything.  Give the rainbows, says Melinda.  Rainbows every day!

How could that be bad?

We chose to simply put a tension rod (under $5) across the middle of the upper half of the window.  There are no frames around their windows, the windows are just set into the wall.  We did not want to drill extra holes in the plaster around, so we did went with this arrangement.  You could also lower the blinds if you wanted to so that the crystal hanging would always be exposed.

What a good looking man, if I do say so myself, and handy with tools, which is invaluable.

All the beaded strands came with little circles at the top, so it was simply a matter of choosing ribbons to hang them on and tying knots.  Even I could not mess that up!

It was as easy as anything I have ever done.  I'm avoiding hot glue since Christmas.......:D

The ribbons at the top really added a pop of color.

The Rockette picked three ribbons, a sheer light blue, a satin coral, and a trim in white with small flowers embroidered in pale colors. I just bought the whole little rolls of the ribbons for around $15.00. As the walls are a pretty purple already, the other colors really popped.

Isn't it great?

It didn't even take that long, but it was a good time with just "us girls" whispering and giggling while the boys watched basketball....or something.

I readied the window she will look out of.  The window where she will only see beautiful prisms of light emanating from, every afternoon and evening of her life.  She will think that is normal, that the world is a beautiful, light-filled place.  It is!  Oh Charlotte Marie, you are already so loved.

It's every bit as gorgeous as I thought it would be.

It was so good to see my children as grown-ups, with houses and significant others, forming new alliances.  It had been a long time since I had been in a group of people where the sexes separated and bonded.  For so long it's been me just being the mom and then just being the kids.  Finally I felt like just another member of the family instead of the head of it.  It was a great relief, and a lot of fun, to see my kids and their partners finding their footing with each other.  Secrets were shared, bets were placed on brackets, *some* teams were ridiculed.  I watched my Mizzou daughter's eyes light on Charli's embroidered PURPLE AND YELLOW (I cannot same the name, I'm sure if you are a sports fan you understand this) minky blanket and determinedly keep the smile on her face.

I couldn't help but smile.

Change is good.  And inevitable in life.  So she was going to have a niece from Kansas.  She had not yet thought of that, I could tell.

Watching her brother, and probably marveling at how they ever got this old......This is it!!  The Beautiful Redhead is about to be an Aunt!  And who knows what will happen next?

It didn't even take very long.  We should probably all have at least one of these.  I think it could only add to our lives, no?

And so another project found on Pinterest has led me to figure out how to do it myself.  Am I the only one who saves a bunch of pictures, only to find out they lead nowhere when I try to go to the site?  Ah well, not to worry.  We are Americans, and we are nothing if not determined and self sufficient.

Always leave a place better than you found it.

Check.

And so we settle down to wait, just a little longer.  Almost everything they really need is assembled and ready.  There are showers to look forward to, storage areas to be organized and miracles to look forward to.  I can almost guarantee there will *possibly* heated arguments about what need there is to keep every box of every accessory they get.  Compromises will be reached.  Adjustments will be made.  

I used to think the Rock Star's father was unique in this aspect of keeping empty boxes, but I have lived long enough to find that it seems to be a man thing.  At any rate, it's a Rock Star thing, and he will be ready, apparently, to box any item right back up and take it back, even if it's a baby bed.  Seriously, I do not think they can help it and it is actually just exactly like us saving empty jars and toilet paper rolls for crap that looked like a good idea at the time on Pinterest!!  It's just the way it is.

  Rockette, I give you this advice if you will accept it now:  just accept the empty box thing until he forgets about it.  Then hopefully you can tear them down and dispose of them without his noticing, at some date far in the future, when it won't matter anymore.  I should not tell you this on the internet but I know for a fact that this is the method used by numerous generations of women before us.  Honestly.  Because we know that those items will break right after the warranty is up, right?  And even if he was moved to box it back in it's original packaging, said packaging would be gross and covered with mouse or bat poop or something by then, right?  I know, I know.....ssssshhhhhhhhhhh.  Just bide your time and always keep a box cutter in the kitchen junk drawer, man, I have it on good authority this is right and proper.

The next three months will be a bit more pleasant with the prisms floating and spinning around this room, I hope, as her mother dreams of her.  I hope she will lay in that room, watching the rainbows, and talk to her baby girl, and not be anxious about the unknown, or scared of pain.  I hope she feels peace and has faith that her body will perform perfectly, the way it was made to, and look forward with joy to that day.  Those prisms will light the way for Charlotte to find her way home.  I hope this always hangs in her window, where ever she may be, filling her life with light and beauty from her earliest memories.

Another family tradition.

This one's for Charli, with all our love, from her grandmother and her great-grandparents.

UPDATED:  The Rockette sent me these pictures.  It's working just as I hope it would.  Who would ever want to leave this room?

This is the wall right above her bed.

Even the ceiling gets the effects!!

Talk about being in your own little world......Just goes to show, all Pinterest projects do not end in tears and burned fingers.  :D

Every Name Has A Story...And Every Story Has A Name....

Once upon a time, a couple named Melinda and Tom were expecting a child.

Melinda was certain that the child was a boy, and Tom had yet to be convinced of her certainty, so two names were needed.  The girl's name was easy, as girl's names almost always are.  The boy's name was a point of contention for months and months and marked Melinda and Tom's first epic battle.  It was one that would live in infamy and the very best of all their epic battles.

Melinda wanted to name a boy Noah.  "No, no, no to Noah!" Tom would say.  

"But it's from the Bible!" Melinda would plead.

"It's too weird.  No, no, no!" Tom would insist.

Tom wanted to name a boy Charlie.  "Sorry, Charlie," Melinda would say, rolling her eyes for good measure.

"Charlie's a good guy.  Everybody likes Charlie," Tom would wheedle.

"Charlie is a guy who sits around at the garage chewing, spitting and talking about people, in overalls."  Melinda would not budge.  (and Melinda freely admits she likes guys named Charlie, and means no offense, but this was her first child and come on, really.)

They went to see a movie one day called Parenthood.  There was a little girl in this movie, and you never heard her name until almost the end of it.  "Come here, Taylor, you're ears are ready", said Mary Steenburgen, and Melinda and Tom looked at each other and light bulbs came on over their heads.  

"Taylor"..........they rolled it around for only about 20 minutes, noting that 'Taylor' could be a boy or a girl.  Also, in the year 1989, they knew no one with this name, so it came with absolutely no preconceived notions.  (Sadly, this would change very quickly.  Parenthood was a big hit and it spawned Taylor's of both sexes in proliferation, and to date you cannot be in a crowd of 20 people without at least one Taylor.  So much for a unique name, but them's the breaks).  

And so the epic battle ended, and peace reigned throughout the land for a time.  The battle had ended, but the story remained, and was told and re-told down throughout their lives, with wry humor and grudging respect.  You can say a lot of things about both Tom and Melinda, but you will probably not ever hear anyone say either one of the them are weak.

The years passed and one day Taylor met a girl named Mardi.  There was a special light around the new couple, and Melinda was certain they were going to have a baby, but Tom was still yet to be convinced of her certainty.  So she just waited.  She had years of practice and had perfected the keeping her mouth shut part.  :D

Sure enough, within 2 months of Melinda's making the statement, Taylor and Mardi announced coming of THE FIRST GRANDCHILD.  This was it!  There was laughter and tears, at the same time, and rejoicing all around.  The story of naming Taylor was told for Mardi, who had not heard it before.   Everyone settled in to wait and see what would happen next.  

What happened next was finding out it was a girl.  More rejoicing though out the land, with lots of shopping for hats and tiny little bonnets and well.........everything.

The day came when a decision had been made to name our baby girl.  We all waited with hope and not a little trepidation, because you know how crazy names have gotten.  Kids these days.......etc.  But whatever name they picked, I had resolved to love.  What's in a name?  I would comfort myself with this phrase, knowing that once I saw that baby, the name would come to seem the most natural thing in the world.   Whatever they called this girl, I was going to love her more than anything.  I already did!  We all braced ourselves.

Taylor said, "Well, you know the story of when you and Dad were going to name me Charlie........."  and my heart burst with love and pride.  We may not have stayed married, but we kept the narrative of being parents, and a family, unbroken through thick and thin, to emerge dirty and battle-worn, but unbroken and victorious in the end. 

We all said yeah......

"Well", and Taylor and Mardi are looking at each other with love and complete confidence and joy, excited to be revealing this secret, "Mardi loved that story so much, and we wouldn't use it for a boy" this with his eyes directed at me, "but we absolutely love it for a girl.  So we pretty much decided that day on the way home that if it was a girl, we would call her Charli".  This was met with joy and laughter.  "And the whole name is......"  We all stilled and waited,   

"Charlotte Marie Clark.  Charlotte so we can call her Charli, and Marie for Mardi's grandmother."

And the family rejoiced, in relief and anticipation, for now our girl had a name.  A name unique, for personal reasons that could never be replicated.  A name that honored both sides of this new family.  A traditional and dignified name.

A family name, one that had endured for 24 years even though no person had carried it.  Melinda and Tom's first epic battle had served as a touching stone and waited until just the right time to be bestowed upon the child of the child that they were merely speculating on all those years ago.  The child they decided to name in a dark movie theater in the middle of a normal afternoon after months of fighting about it.

Things have a way of working out.  You should always choose to have faith, because faith is a choice.  Also, you should keep in mind that these things take time.  Not all of them take 24 years, it is true, but you never know the "when" until it happens, as it surely will.  When it does, it seems like the most natural thing in the world.  Do not sell it short, ever.  Take it from one who knows.  Wink wink!

And in the end, Tom got his Charli, and no one was happier about that than Melinda.  Once again, peace reigned throughout the land.  A land that would never be the same without their Charli girl. 

This is it!

November 30th

      Thanksgiving at home today with The Rock Star and Rockette, which is what I have dubbed the wondrous girlfriend of my oldest son.  Because she rocks.  Really!  I got up early and got all the stuff out to make bread and noodles.  I got out my sheet, which is the ONLY way to roll out noodles, let me tell you, floured it, got it positioned just so, and then started on the noodles only to realize I was out of eggs.  This is life in menopause.  It's like a combination of ADHD and OCD, for those of you who have grown up with these terms.  For those of you who are older, like me, it's just being constantly distracted by the endless list of stuff that you are under the gun to do by a certain time.  Or, as we grew up the lesson was titled: "Hey, that's life, kid."

     Anyway, a trip to Wal Mart was in order, and while I was there I thought, things like this.

      1.  HEY! Key Lime Pie!!  SOLD!

      2.  WHOA!  Frozen bread!!  Throw it in!!

      3.  OH!  Very expensive flavored coffee creamer!  Y.......No.   Keep moving!  Time is short!

      4.  WAIT!  As long as you're doing frozen bread, why not grab some frozen noodles?  YEAH! (turns cart around, alarms a confused man in front of 47 different varieties of whipped cream.)         And then, the inevitable

      5.  DAMN!!!   OUT OF FROZEN NOODLES!!!!!

      Sigh.  Look of disgust followed quickly by

      6.   GET OUT.  Get. OUT.  Now.

This is a normal trip to Wal Mart for me now.  I've learned to accept it.

The Rock Star and Rockette arrived on time, we had dinner, then he handed me a book.  He asked if I remembered it and of course I did.

He said "I marked my favorite page in it and I want you to read it and see if you remember it."

I was pleased.  I open the book to the page marked.  It is marked with a sonogram picture, and my first thought is "Did I leave that in there?  I wonder which one of the kids this was."

I look at my son, who is standing above me, tall and strong and beautiful, and smiling down with the sweetest smile and his eyes are just...........well, I have never seen that look in those eyes before.  This was brand new.  Tears start pouring out of my eyes and everybody starts laughing and crying and I get up and hug my Rock Star, and then the Rockette, and I am going to be a grandmother, for real, in June.

THIS IS IT!!!!!

Our own Little Rock Star!!!

I am so excited to get to witness them go through this Doorway!

I have lived in fear of missing these moments for years.  I have hoped for this child, dreamed of this child, and many more.  I have waited, practiced, honed my grand-mothering skills and let the house go because I know that the house should never, ever, be your first priority when there are children around.  This is the mark of empty, lonely lives, these houses in perfect shape.

I did not choose that path.  I have never had any regrets in that regard either.  If someone writes on my walls, I'm just going to draw a frame around it and note the date.  That's all I've got to say about that.  I think I may even make a part of a wall into a chalkboard, like that crazy-smart Kelsy figured out how to do. :D

I immediately drug them down the "storage room", where recently, thanks be to God for my ADHD/OCD arrangement, I have been tearing through stuff that's been basically thrown in there and forgotten for 12 years.  I stop and cry and sort and throw away, reorganize, and feel like a woman.  It works, on the rare occasion that it happens.  You have to make the crazy stuff work for the greater good.  Just go with it and don't question your first gut reaction.  In this way you will be ready to pull out at least 2 different sets of china belonging to someone in your family, heirlooms, for the wondrous couple who have given you your first grandchild, to pick from.  Christmas present this year!  And how great is that, as they have just gotten a china cabinet for the adorable little home that the wondrous Rockette has already bought and decorated up at her tender age?

   Next  we pulled out the little chest that my own mother gave me and I have never decided what to put on the front panel.  Now my first grandchild will have it's own little chest.  Inside were blankets from all my babies, and baby clothes from each one.  We had the best time standing in that dusty room full of stuff I have either procrastinated getting rid of or couldn't bear to part with.  Sometimes if you put stuff off long enough you find it right when you need it the most.

     Also?  I still have all my mom's clothes.........which The Rock Star actually has kept me from getting rid of twice, in my more brutal moods.  I'm so glad now, because these will make either quilts or bears for all my grandchildren.  I hope there will be lots.  But I'll take whatever I get and I will not complain, oh no.

    I keep remembering this news every few minutes and it hits me anew each time.  This is just like what it was like when I found out I was pregnant, mentally.  They have already heard the heartbeat and seen this little miracle, and I cried when I heard that story, too.  I am, unsurprisingly, over the moon at this news, but have been warned to keep it off FB for the time being.

     Fine!  So this is what I have done instead.  I will just save this up until I can tell the whole world.  I can do that.

     Meanwhile, OCD kicks in and I have to make lists.  For one thing, I have to map out who is who in these two families that make up The Rock Star and list family names.  That should keep me busy for a while.  Also, I think I will go through all my old pictures and make an album for each of my children, which I have the stuff to do and have been putting off for about 6 years.  But I'm ready, see? Procrastination can save you, sometimes.

      The voices inside my head keep asking "What will it be?"  "What will it be called?"  "What will it call you?" 

      The answer to all of these is a constant "Who cares?  AHAHAHAHAHA!  We're having a baby!!!"

To The Rock Star, On His 23rd Birthday

23 years ago tonight, I had my first child, my own Rock Star.

About a year ago I spent the weekend with one of my best friends, and we were talking about the night he was born.  We were reminiscing about my mother, who is now in heaven, and I got to hear the story from her point of view for the first time.  She said I screamed a lot.  A LOT!  During this time, she kept looking at my mother, who poo-poo'd the idea that anything was wrong.  My mother just kept telling her that this was childbirth and there was nothing to do but get through it.  Later, my mom said at one point she just wanted to jump up and scream "Just let me do it!!" but of course, that was not an option.  I think having my friend there to comfort actually helped her hold it together.

We laughed until we cried, that night, and then had a little trouble stopping crying.  It was so good to see her and realize how many things we had gone through, not just with each other but with each other's mothers.  The hardest times to go through often are the most cherished memories.  To realize that we were now middle-aged was a little easier to take knowing that we still had each other.  There truly is no friend like an old friend.

So The Rock Star was born, he was perfect, and everyone was fine, and my mother came home with us for the first few days.

I was, like most first-time mothers, very nervous and lacking in self- confidence, not to mention still trying to process the trauma of giving birth and what that left me to deal with.  Whew.  Remembering those days still makes me cry (and laugh) to this day.  I spent a lot of time with sitz baths and sat on a donut pillow for way longer than was recommended, even by my mother.

Totally worth it all.

My mom stood guard over The Rock Star at night, as every time he made the slightest noise I was convinced that he needed to be picked up, nursed, etc. and consequently no one in the house was getting any sleep.  My husband took this pretty much like a champ, even though I know there were probably moments that he considered throwing me and/or my mom or maybe even The Rock Star out a window.  Such is life with a new baby for a first-time parent.

Mom stayed for 3 days and on the 3rd night, without any discussion, she simply walked to the door and said she was going home.  My eyes flew open wide and I said "Can't you stay one more night?"  She smiled sadly and said "Honey, I have to get home.  You are doing fine, he is fine, and you guys can handle it.  If something happens, you just call and I will come back."  Then she walked out our front door and left us there to figure out the parenting thing on our own. Later, much later, after she was safe from having to come back and live with me, she told me she cried all the way home.  There she cried more and prayed for us constantly, giving up voluntarily the sleep she had been deprived of by necessity for the three previous nights.

After the she shut the door, I turned wide eyed to my husband, whose own eyes were wide. We did not speak a single word.  We just stared at each other for a full minute as the realization sunk in that we were on our own.  We knew in our minds that we were responsible and grown up now, and that this was life when you were a parent.  On the other hand, if there was any way possible to get out of this, we were willing to take it.  It was not to be.  We both swallowed hard and faced the fact that we were the parents now.  We were in charge.  I think we were both thinking that no one in their right mind should have left us in charge, but there was nothing to be done but to just do what came next.  This is a very important step in growing up, if not a popular one.  But that is life.  You manage.  You do not manage with grace all of the time, but you get through it.

You know what?  We did pretty good.  It wasn't long before The Rock Star got on a regular schedule.  The schedule was not one that we would have picked, as  he never in his whole life wanted to sleep before 11 pm.  This would prove to be a bone of contention for several years, but if you've ever had a new baby you know that as a parent, you conform.  New babies usually rule their worlds, and ours was no exception.

We went through all the usual things.  I cried a lot and railed about how "I felt like a cow, literally, and HIS life hadn't changed at all."  After all, he got to leave the house every day and, and, and TALK to people! He got to take a shower every morning, and go out in the world every single day. This was often followed by words like "Damn him!"  Needless to say, this leaves the poor new father, who has worries of his own, saying "What? What did I do?  What in the holy hell is wrong with you anyway?  Are you saying you want me to quit my job?  Isn't there some kind of pill you should be taking for this?"  You can see that it is a tough period of adjustment for everyone involved. If you think you understand this and have not yet become a parent, all I can say is "Just you wait."  Muahahahahahha.  All will be revealed in time, and if you think you're prepared, just wait!

Who did I rail to?  My mother of course.  She would sigh (heavier each time she had to listen to this) and try to point out that I was missing the best part of my life.  She would point out that I was the mother, I was the one who took care of the child.  It logically followed that he was the father, he was the one to support the family, and I probably should be grateful not only that he had a job, but that he got up and went to it every single day.  So gently did she chide me, and so crazy was she about her first grandchild, that it sometimes made me feel ashamed of myself.  As it should have, but that only added to what I saw as my misery.  It is hard to adjust from everything being about you (pre-parenthood) to nothing about you really mattering anymore (parenthood).

Being a new mother is an emotional roller coaster.  To this day I don't know any way of preparing women for this time.  Until it happens you are floating around on all these great hormones of happiness, and cannot believe anything could bring you down.  Then you have the baby, which makes you the happiest of all, and then you get home and you look in the mirror and you realize that you are no longer the you you have always been before.  Not physically, not spiritually, and least of all mentally.  All those warm, fuzzy hormones go away, and you find yourself in what feels like free fall. Instead of floating on the cloud you have been on, you find yourself plunging down into the depths of despair, worrying about everything from your babie's cord drying properly to the world at large not being safe for him to ever walk around in.  Nothing is as it was, even yourself, and you have a cold certainty in your heart that it never will be again.  Add to that the fact that there is nothing you can do about it and you have a recipe for a panic attack.  I must point out that the phrase "panic attack" is relatively new to our culture, while the period of adjustment after a new baby is decidedly not.  But if it makes you feel better, hey man, grab onto it and just try to keep afloat.  You will reach the shore, or at least a quiet eddy in the river of life, before long.  Whatever you do, don't give up hope.  This too, shall pass, and before long you will miss these days.

It's an intense trip, but one that you must make.  You can't get over it, under it, or around it.  You just have to go through it.  Hard as it is to go through, this is what makes you brave and gives you strength.  It's your training for facing the unknown, which is exactly what parenthood is, in a nutshell.  I can promise you that in 5 years, you will look back on this time and laugh.  At yourself.  And it won't even bother you at all.  As if that weren't enough, because of this time you will have such strength that you will be able to face scary circumstances in the future with grace and (seeming) calm.  You will be able to bring calm and comfort to others even when you are quaking in your boots inside, all because you have gone through this and come out the other side.  It's the same process as basic training for the armed forces.  It tears you down in order to build you up stronger.

Because in between the paralyzing terror and burning rages, there will be moments of quiet and humbleness and pure joy. Lots of them.  In time, these moments will outnumber the scary times 1,000 to 1.  I swear it's true.   In the quiet of the night, when it's just your little family together and your are safe and warm (and the baby/new mom is not screaming), you will know that nothing is ever going to be the same again, and that's ok.  Everything is changing and even though you are scared because you don't feel like you are in control, you have never been in control anyway, and everything is changing into something better.

I'd do it all again 1,000 times

The Rock Star made me a mother, and in a sense saved my life.  If not for him I would have continued to be an irresponsible, scatterbrained, shallow, selfish person.  If not for him, I would have never learned patience, gratitude, or what sacrifice is really about.  Before him, I did not really know what it was to love anyone else enough to actually be willing to give my life for them.  He changed all of that the minute he slid out of my body and into this world.  He made me into what I am today, and I can only thank God for him being such a funny, witty, smart and good person.  

I love him so much that I cannot leave him to this day without crying like a baby.  Even though he is 23, and The Beautiful Redhead almost 21, it seems so wrong to leave them after we have been together that I spend the first 10 minutes or so trying to see through tears well enough to maneuver through traffic without getting us all killed.  The twins don't even worry about this anymore.  They think it's normal. For us, it is.  Try as I might, I don't think this is ever going to change.

So I write this to you, my first baby, on your 23rd birthday, sobbing in the basement at my computer, with the twins explaining to their company that nothing is wrong with their mom, this is just what happens when she writes, (I suspect Stephen King has a different process), knowing and happy that you are out having a great time and living it up in Kansas City.  I hope you have the best birthday that you ever dreamed of.  I hope all your dreams come true. I always have, I always will, and that will never change.

On a lighter note, I would also point out that I was your exact age when I got pregnant with you.  No pressure, but you just rest assured that there will not be any happier person on earth than myself on the day that we find out you are going to become a parent.  I so look forward to that day, because I know I have the strength and grace to guide you through the hard times that it will assuredly bring. 

Of course I do, that is just the first thing in a long line that you taught me.

Happy 23rd, Taylor-boy.  You are so loved, have always been, will always, always be.

Daaayammm, that is one good looking man!