Redeemed.

We just had the most relaxing vacation I have had in a very long time.  I went an entire week with sporadic cell phone coverage only when I was in a town, which was pretty sporadic itself.  I did not watch the news.  I did not even check the weather.  I did not wear makeup or even do my hair.  It was just wonderful.

I watched my children enjoy Southwestern Missouri.  I taught my boys how to read a map, which is a very important skill in these days of GPS's.  I begged the boys to take pictures of the barns on the way down but only one good picture turned out.  Next year they will be able to drive and I will do it myself.

The only shot we ended up with, but whatta shot!  Credit to Aaron, my youngest  baby.

I visited the cemetery, with the man who was my step-father growing up, while the kids went to the pool.  We had such a good time reminiscing about the vacations of my childhood.  I told him that, like him, I saw no point in leaving after the sun came up.  I sat on Paula's porch and watched eagles glide over the Butterball turkey farm houses across the field.  I helped a sweet boy who stopped to tell us the neighbor's cows were out round the cows back into the corral.

Only one thing bothered me, and I decided, finally, to confront it at last.  As fate would have it, my father lives about 10 miles from Paula now.  Tell me God didn't have a hand in that and I will laugh.  I called him on Paula's phone one morning, since mine didn't work, and surprised him.  I guess "surprised" is a bit of an understatement.  With the boys still asleep, I headed over for coffee and peace talks.

We sat and talked for several hours.  We re-hashed our entire lives.  I told him about the blog.  And when he started to apologize I stopped him and I told him that I had grown up a little bit.  I said that no matter what he did or didn't do I had always loved him and always would.  Then I asked him to forgive himself, because both of his children already had.  During this struggle I have learned that it is a simple lack of faith if we can believe that God forgives us but we fail to forgive ourselves.  Failing to forgive ourselves is to hold onto our hurt and guilt, and how can we have a clean slate if we do that?  We can't.    Following that thought, if we are forgiven by God, we have to forgive others the same way.  I warned him that when he read the blog he would no doubt read things that would hurt him, but just to know that this is a pattern in our family and the cycle had to be stopped.  He has had his own struggles with his own father, and just because he never talks about it doesn't mean that it isn't still there.  If I have anything to say about it, this cycle will stop with me, and that there would be a new blog post coming with the title of "Redeemed", and that it was for him.  

Then I went to get the boys and we spent the next couple of days with their Grampa.

I admit it took me 40 years, but I finally got there.  Nothing  worth having ever comes easy.

The Beautiful Redhead came down by herself, which left her mother a nervous wreck for many hours, but she made it just fine.  I got to spend some real quality time with her, which was probably the best thing about this vacation for me.  We slept in the same Victorian bed surrounded by crocheted bedspreads and pictures of us and Nana all around the room and talked long into the night, with the phenomenal full moon shining down on us through the window.

We drove the roads I love best in this world.

Liberty Drive in Southwest City Mo, with Bluebird Lane to the right ahead.  I couldn't remember which one was Harry's house and thankfully saw the mailbox of my first best friend's brother to ask directions.  It was right across the street, as it turned out.

Heading South into Noel, Mo., aka The Christmas City.  First-timers on this road think this is pretty

Then their faces crease in concern as we get closer.

At this point they often scrunch down in their seats and ask if this is a good idea.  I always just shrug and say that if it's not, scrunching down in their seats is probably not going to help much.  Muahahahha  

Some of them are under bluffs with the river beside us, it's where you will end up if you go over the "guard posts" on the left side of this picture.

We took a float trip, just the kids and I, and I watched the twins have more fun together than I have seen in years.  We had the river virtually to ourselves.  The sun was hot and the river was cold, and even though I forgot to pack the mustard the sandwiches tasted like heaven.  I was prepared for the river to be crowded with drunken, occasionally naked people.  I was pleasantly surprised.  There was a lot of trash in the water, though, and The Beautiful Redhead was outraged by this, as she should be.  People just don't have the respect they should have these days.  But if you want to take a float trip that is crowded with drunken, half naked people, you can probably find it on the weekends.  I chose the week day to avoid this as much as possible.  The twins were pretty disappointed, but we all know their day will come. ;)  At least I don't have to worry about them setting off without knowing how to maneuver a canoe.  If float trips are not your thing, I highly recommend Shadowlake Bar and Grill to people-watch as people come into the last leg of their trip.  Better entertainment simply cannot be found, take my word for this.  By that time they are tired, sometimes passed out, and many relationships have either been forged in steel forever or are about to come to an abrupt end, also forever.  Either way it's an experience no one will ever forget, least of all the people who are just sitting on the deck, enjoying a cold drink and taking it all in.

Us, the river rat version.  We sorely missed The Rock Star and his wonderful girlfriend.

And I got to stop at my beloved 43 bridge, where when I was little my dad and his friends used to go and shoot gar off the bridge.  This was not illegal, incidentally, at least at that time.  I checked!

Cowskin Public Access.  Why Cowskin?  No clue.  It's always just been 43 bridge to us.  I guess shooting gar off the bridge isn't the only thing people have done here.  heeheehee

From the riverbed.  It's low at this time.  Those are exposed rocks where you can get out of the water.  The sound those rocks being walked on make is a sound that is "home" to me.

Looking downriver.  It used to be bluffs like that all the way up.  I guess if you live long enough trees can grow anywhere, but it threw me off quite a bit for it  to look so very different.

I didn't get to see a lot of the people that I wanted to on this trip, but we will probably go back down this fall.  Time just got away from me.  But isn't that what vacations are for? I feel like I've been gone much more than a week.  It was quite a trip, all in all, but sooooo very worth it.

SURPRISE!

When my mother died, The Rock Star was 14.

My mother had an old Jeep Cherokee that she had purposely kept for the Rock Star and then his sister to drive.  It was very thoughtful of her to even think of it, considering what she was going through at the time.  She had time to look ahead with her illness, but she was always one to look ahead.

So when the Rock Star turned 16 and got his license, he already had a reliable vehicle that cost very little to insure.  That Jeep Cherokee lasted through him and The Beautiful Redhead both.  It finally met it's maker after it hit a deer, and we were all very sad.

The last few years I've been looking ahead myself, wondering what in the world I would do for the boys to have something to drive.

How would I ever afford to buy them a vehicle in addition to shoes and jeans?  The shoes and jeans for 2 teenage boys are very expensive, in case you don't know.  Savings is hard to add to, when you are buying shoes and jeans every time you turn around.   It's always like "JEANS & SHOES! SHOES & JEANS! MORE JEANS!! NEED SHOES AGAIN!!" in my head for the last couple of years.

What would happen? I wondered this for years, putting back what little I could spare and hoping for a miracle.

As usual, the miracle came from my most wonderful of all step-mothers, the one I kept!   Her name is Paula, and she called me up a few weeks ago and said that she had "happened to run into a girl who had to sell her car that night, for $300", so of course she at least had to go look at it.

After she looked at it she brought her husband to look at it.  He drove it, looked it over,  and gave Paula the high sign to buy it right then and there.

It's a 1994 Dodge (Red) Caravan.  It had a few dents, needed a new bumper, had high mileage, but ran perfectly.  Paula's husband now (thank you again, God for her finding such a wonderful man) pulled out the dents, replaced the bumper, did body work, painted it, put some pin striping on it (silver), redid the carpet and headliner, and as if that wasn't miracle enough, changed all the fluids and replaced all the filters.

I don't know how to say how much this means to me.  For the past several weeks we have had excited, giddy conversations about how it's coming.  Titles and plates and proof of insurance have kept the mailmen busy as they flew from one end of Missouri to the other, and it will be ready when we get down there.  This is a big SURPRISE for the twins, who are convinced they will never be able to have a car at all.  Why would they think that?  Well, because their mother uses reality as a teacher every chance she gets, and has been taking them around to car lots and letting them get a load of how much cars and more importantly, trucks, actually cost.

Paula was going to tell them on the phone, so excited was she that she had not only found a vehicle, but could afford to buy it!!  Her exact words were "Well, I didn't want get it without saying anything, but I"ve never been able to do anything for them and they never ask for anything.  YOU never ask for anything, and I thought it was too good a deal to pass up."

I said "Oh, no, I'm not going to say a word.  This will be your present to them for their 16th birthday, and you will get to surprise them with it when we come down."

She just said "Ooooooohhhh." And I knew she was remembering my mother's Jeep and The Rock Star and Beautiful Redhead's first car. How wonderful is it to through years with the same people and know that there are things they do not have to be told.  To know that you don't have to explain anything because they were there.  They remember it too, and know all the angles, ins, outs, in short, everything.  That's one of the reasons why I think we quit making new friends at a certain point in life: because we just don't want to put the energy into trying to explain all that stuff.  It's exhausting to even think about past the age of about 35, and some of that stuff cannot BE explained in any way that would make sense unless you were there. You know what I mean?  I truly do not know who I would be without this angel, who came to me as a step-mother but stayed on as one of the dearest, best friends I have ever had.  She isn't really old enough to be my mother and we have always had the best relationship.  She is, simply put, worth everything any of us ever went through to get to her.  I never count the costs when it comes to Paula. She is worth it all.  Everything else just fades into the background, compared to her. If I had to live my life without my mother it was a great comfort, to both of us, to know that I would still have Paula.  And that my children would still have Paula.  She has saved us more times than she even knows,  just by being there for us.

Ever since then we have both been so excited we have been floating around like, I don't know, the job rate is down to 3% and America is no longer dependent on foreign oil because we finally just used our own or something!  I mean, we are EXCITED!!!   VERY EXCITED!!!

Our only 2nd thoughts were vocalized by Paula.  "You don't think they will be disappointed that it's a van, do you?" I was quiet.  This thought had occurred to me about the same time as she asked it. I've been embarrassed by my kids turning up their noses at presents before, but not since they were very small.  I would die of mortification if this happened, with Paula, with this miracle.   I thought about it.  I thought about 2 boys who only have learned the hard way that they only have their mother to depend on, who know the value of a dollar, who have to be wondering if they will EVER get a car.  And I said "I don't think so.  I don't think so at all.  I think they will be thrilled to death to have anything at all and with all you guys have done to it, it's a lot better than 'anything at all'".  I admit, also in the back of my mind, I was thinking that if they didn't like it I would take it and they could drive my car.  At this point I was so excited that I would have been very happy to have a van again.

Just a few more days to go and we will surprise the twins with a great first car that their mother can afford insurance on!  It's like a miracle, you guys!!!

"I have an early birthday present for you guys.  The only thing is you have to share it."

 

She handed them each a key with their name on it.



The light is beginning to dawn on them.

 

They had to take the keys and figure out which car the key worked on.

 

Aaron just had the goofiest smile on his face and he kept saying "This is really nice, I'm not gonna lie."  Andy kept saying "We're gonna be hauling everybody!"



The best news is, it's old enough that they can actually see the motor, ergo they can also learn how to FIX the motor!

 

Paula, being an angel herself, found and married another angel who also happens to know everything there is to know about cars and motors.

Aaron, Paula, Tom, Andy

 

BEST. 16th. BIRTHDAY. PRESENT. EVER!!!!!

Goddess of Hellfire Melts......

I am very strong.  Take my word for this.  

At my job, it is my task to keep people from coming in the door unless they have a good reason to.
This means that I am always the one when a salesman comes in the door to stop him, tell him if he has something he wants to leave that will be fine, and give him a name and number to call next time.  This is on the off chance that anyone will see the poor salesman.  Some of these sales men drive for over 2 hours without an appointment or even a good idea of what we do.  It does not put them an intelligent light.  Some just see us and stop and ask.  It is one of the mysteries of life to me why they waste so much time and gas.  The only reason I have ever been able to come up with is "expense accounts".  I think they are pretty much a total waste, but then I don't run a business.  I just admit or turn away people who show up.

I have heard it all, and learned to navigate the waters.  I can anticipate the next angle they will come at me from.  When people ask what my job description is, the most often answer is "Goddess of Hellfire".  Few people, even salesmen, have the chutzpah to counter that, let me tell you.  I've gotten really good at it, over the years.  That's why I was ready when I saw a profusely sweating man, dirty guy missing some teeth headed in my door one day, I was ready.

I stood strong, ready to tell him we did not want whatever he was selling.  Fresh fruit, knock off designer fragrances, solvents or paint. No. No. No and NO.  I girded myself to hear what he had to say.  My first thought was that this was a meth head.  He did look the part.  I chastised myself for being "prejudiced" and waited to see what he was going to pull out and show me.

I learned a little something about myself as soon as he opened his mouth.

He said "I.....I......I.....am a tr......tr......."

And the Goddess of Hellfire melted like a marshmallow.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  Apparently even if you are lost truck driver, sweating profusely at 8:30 am, dirty, missing teeth and looking like a meth-head, I will still be kind to you if you stutter.  I guess that is just the way I am. I turned from a warrior with a sword into a melted marshmallow right there before that poor man's eyes.

I can't help it.  I know I can't.  I patiently listened to him tell me what I already knew, without interruption.  It took a very uncomfortably long time for him to do this.   He had pulled up and was coming in to check in instead of waiting in his truck for our forklift operator to come to him.  It took what seemed like a very, very long time for him to get out his sentence.  But I knew not to interrupt (from reading it somewhere) and so I waited, praying for this man the whole time, feeling about 2 inches tall.  He was just a hard working truck driver who had a schedule to meet.

I can't tell you how badly I felt about my preconceived notions.  Don't get me wrong, had he turned out to be a salesman that "just saw us on the road and stopped" I could have put the armor back on and sent him on his way.  But I think I would have been nicer, because he stuttered, and for some reason that just fills me with empathy.

I guess "prejudice" can work both ways, and neither one of them have anything to do with "fairness".

Something to think about.  Are you prejudiced?  And if so, is that good or bad?  Is there anything you can do about that or are you destined to melt like a marshmallow or grow armor for no logical reason?  Like me?