Growing, growing, gone......

It's colder now and was about 30 degrees this morning.  Cold weather always makes me feel like cooking, so I promptly threw a chicken in the crock pot this morning.  I plan to make chicken enchiladas and chicken pot pie with it.  THEN I used the rest of a roast, carrots and potatoes and made the best beef vegetable barley soup I've had in a long time.  THEN I made a pan of butterscotch brownies for the boys to snack along on.

Something about colder weather makes my nesting instinct really kick in.  I may not be able to do anything about the shape that the world at large is in, but in my house I rule the kingdom, and we are prepared.  I find comfort here now, where used to it just seemed like a sort of prison where I was sentenced to life, continually doing the same, monotonous drudgery.  It may be a case of Stockholm Syndrome, but if that's what it takes, well, it is what it is.  I've made it work for me.

I have been noticing that I have been loathe to throw food away for awhile now, but it has become sort of an obsession with me.  If I have leftovers that no one will eat, instead of giving them to the dogs now I throw them in the freezer for another day.  I used to think this was a throw back from having grandparents raised during the depression.  Then I thought it was an influence of growing up during a recession and just having too much common sense to throw away food.  Now I think it's just the proof that I am actually a grown up.  The dogs are not thrilled, but I save quite a bit on my food bills.

The boys came to the (excellent) decision to start taking their lunch to school.  I brought this subject up at the beginning of school but they rejected it.  Out of laziness, I think privately, but that's normal.  After a couple of months of eating whatever it is that they serve there, they changed their minds.  So I went out and bought a bunch of lunch stuff and they dug out the perfectly good lunchboxes that we have had for so long I can't even remember, and we got prepared.  It was much needed proof to me that they are growing up and are starting to be able to make good decisions.  Common sense decisions.  I am so proud of them.

Last week I was talking to the Rock Star and we were discussing different things to eat.  He has been struggling to make do with what he has and only go to the store once a week.  I told him that since he had no one else to eat his food when he was gone, he should try Edy's ice cream.  It's expensive, like everything else, but it's worth it.  He laughed and said that he had spoiled himself so much that he was beginning to wonder if he would ever be able to live with anyone else.  We laughed a lot over that, because I have always said it is hard to live with people.  I don't care how much you love them, they can even be your own kids, but it gets old.  The truth is that you just adjust, and then about the time you get used to it, everything changes.  You get used to a newborn and they turn into an infant.  Then toddlers (Oh, how I remember the little things I used to step on and how bad they hurt!), and eventually surly adolescents.

The surly adolescent stage is the one we are currently in at my house.  Sigh....   It doesn't last tooooo loooooong, but I could really do without it.  Every morning for a week I have gone into the bathroom and asked whose towel is laying on the floor.  Every morning for a week *one* of my boys, the *same one*, has come in and picked up his towel.  Why he cannot do this after he takes a shower is one of the great mysteries of the world.  But that's ok.  I know that I won't have to keep asking too much longer.  Why?  Because he is smart enough to know that it is really beneath him to leave it on the floor every day, and he will eventually realize that I am not going to quit asking.  It will be a matter of saving time to him, and he will be embarrassed that I have to ask every day.  As he should be.  I am probably too easy going, due to the fact that when you have 4 children is is most often easier to just do it yourself.  I am a slow learner, additionally hampered by a control streak what will undoubtedly outlast the days when I will be described accurately as "in my right mind".  I can see it now, I will be the old lady at the nursing home picking up wet towels.  I may do it silently, thinking that I'm just being a good mother.  or, I may do it while harassing the guiley party who left it there, thinking that the only way to be a good mother is to make your kids take responsibility and become independent.  We will just have to see, but I have a feeling some nursing home will save a lot on aides!

The thing is that when you are young, you don't think about the way you are raised or why you do the things you do.  It is only after you get older that you start to remember some of the reasons.  Actually, I think we block things out when we are young, and it takes life knocking the heck out of us (which it will surely do!) to bring us to a state of mind where we can let ourselves remember, and analyse the why's of what we do.  I find that I feel close to my grandmothers and mom when I am cooking, cleaning and making my house a home.  There is something about kneading bread that soothes my soul in a way nothing else does.  Looking around my house after a day of cooking & cleaning and seeing my boys happily munching away on something I have fixed & cheering for their football teams makes me feel successful.  It may not sound like much, but it is all I need to feel like I am a grown up, capable, and equal to the test.

These days won't last forever.  In fact, they will only last about another year.  As I recall, you don't see much of your teenager's once they can drive.  Then they get a job and between school, jobs and social lives (their, not yours), they have basically left home a couple of years before they graduate.  Oh, they stop in occasionally to sleep or change clothes, at least until they have enough of a wardrobe built up in their car....but they won't "be home" the way they used to be.

I take a lot of comfort from the fact that I know, one day, they will look around their environment and think "this place is a wreck!  If my mom saw this........."

Because your mom is always in your mind.  You can't get her out, no matter how you try.  At some point you will not resent this, you will welcome it instead.  That is one of the first signs you are grown up.  At the point where you choose to pick up instead of sit and complain, take heart!  Your mother will, I am here to tell you!!  And I think all of those who came before will, also.  You are on your way to being what you were raised to be.  You are a link in the chain, and if you have any pride at all (and I hope you do) you will be equal to the task.

I miss my mother so terribly, but I know she will never leave me.  it comforts me to know that my children will have these memories of me, wearing an apron, picking up and putting
away without missing a beat in my by-now standard lecture about "how we don't live in a barn (!) and is this what you want people to think you are (?) and how you have to take CARE of the things you HAVE........."
and get up and keep going, doing what comes next, whether they *like* it or not, and know that they are not the only ones.  They will think of me, at their age, and remember what life was like, and (this is my favorite part) they will finally understand that I didn't want to do it either.  But I did it anyway.  For them.  They will know then that they are also a link in the chain.  The goal, of course, is not to be the weakest link.  Do I need to say that?  If so, there it is.

So carry on, friends, getting ready for winter, whatever that may mean to you.  But please know wtha you are not alone.  I found this poem recently on a FB page called Oh So ShAbBy by Debbie Reynolds (not THAT Debbie Reynolds) that I love for her pictures and peaceful attitude.  It really touched me and seemed the perfect thing after the day I have had.

Enjoy!

Your Mother is always with you. 
She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the 
street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember,

flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's the
cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well, 
she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep...
the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

Your mother lives inside your laughter.
And she's crystallized in every teardrop.
A mother shows every emotion...happiness,
sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger,
helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow...and all the 
while, hoping and praying you will only know the good
feelings in life.

She's the place you came from, your first home, and 
she's the map you follow with every stop you take.
She's your first love, your first friend, even your 
first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you.

Author unknown

We finally meet Adriana Rose!

On the day she was born, I got up at 4 am and headed to Columbia to meet her mother and her friend at the hospital.  The stars looked like diamonds in a soft black sky, and Venus was shining down like a spotlight in the eastern sky.  I even drove right to the hospital and found the main admission desk without any trouble, which is kind of a big deal.  I always leave myself enough time to make a few mistakes, but there was no need for that on this day.

They broke her mother's water at 7 am and she was very explicit and clear with her Dr. and nurses that she would not be having an epidural.  Her exact words were "nothing to do with my spine", accompanied by hand actions that mimicked the shape of a spine.  The Dr. and nurses were very supportive, and the nurse even got excited that she would get to see a natural birth.  Isn't that the craziest thing you ever heard?  Unless you are over the age of 40 it probably is not, and we are poorer for it, in my opinion.  I have high hopes that "natural birth" will be making a big comeback, as out-of-favor as it has fallen. 

The next 3 hours we spent walking very fast for 40 minutes, followed by 20 minutes  on the monitors.  I was seriously impressed with how fast that girl could walk!  She even bounced with every step she took and did stairs!  I admit she lost me on the stairs.  I was winded after about three flights up and down a couple of times.  Plus, I admit the friend and I were trying to talk.  We were quickly left behind, and I told the young girls to carry on.  I would just be right there when they came back down. We went through 3 rounds of walking for 40 minutes and resting for 20 before that girl slowed down and the labor picked up.  Once she started stopping for the contractions and random nurses started asking if we might need a wheelchair (which she always refused) I knew we were getting into the thick of it.  (also, it was the most intense workout I have had since I picked up all the riffraff from the roof.  My legs are still sore-but in a good way now.  The first couple of days I felt like I had been hit by a train.  Or maybe just laid 50 feet of train track single-handedly.)

One determined mama!

Once she quit the walking she just sat on the edge of the bed, not wanting to be touched and not really moving.  I worked on her breathing, which she said helped a little, and she did eat a Popsicle at one point but she wanted no ice chips and did not even hurl any verbal abuse.  At one point she started to cry out, and then stopped herself.  I told her there was nothing wrong with making a little noise, and that she certainly would not upset anybody there by doing that.  She just grinned.  Grinned and bore it.  What a woman!  Don't get me wrong, she was in pain, and at a certain point panic started winning.  She agreed to what the Dr. termed a "baby dose" of Nubane, (no clue how to spell that one-sorry) which would knock the pain down a little and would wear off within about an hour.  It turned out to be exactly what she needed to get her over the hump of what would turn out to be her last hour of labor.  Reading it, it sounds like her "last hour of labor" was a small thing, but believe me, it is no small thing.  It's one of the scariest, longest, hardest hours anyone ever lives through.  My best advice is to never mention any one's last hour of labor lightly, or as if it's almost over, unless you want to be kicked in the stomach (at the very least).  Just in case you ever find yourself in that position, being in labor is to live from one moment to the next, and each one seems never-ending.

By that time she had gone from a dilation of 4 to 7 and it was time to call Daddy to come!  I left to meet Daddy and get Abigail, who was very excited to be a big sister!  I was very excited too.  I wish I had video of Daddy coming through the hospital doors.  He was stepping lively with a car seat under one arm and an eager 4 year old angel attached to the other.  Clearly, this was a man on a mission.  Abigail and I headed to the cafeteria to have a Popsicle.   We had no more gotten them opened and taken a bite than Daddy called and announced "7 lbs., 4 oz., 20" long" in the most proud and pleased voice I've ever heard.  "Oh!  We are right downstairs in the cafeteria!", I said.  He said "Come on up!"  And we did.

One perfect baby girl

Abigail was not getting rid of her Popsicle, but to hold it took both hands.  I tried to just drive her down the halls with my hand on her back. I freely admit she didn't walk fast enough for me, so I just picked her up, Popsicle and all.  Some Dr. behind us heard me tell her I loved her and he came up even with us and remarked "I'd say!  Carrying that big girl around!"  I just smiled and said "She has just become a big sister and this is probably one of the last times I ever will carry her."  He looked at her, looked at me, his eyes kind of teared up a little, and then he said, "Well, carry on."  So I did, Popsicle, angel and all.

When we got to the room, the baby was nursing.  Abigail was not too happy about that, she wanted to hold her right away, but she was content to sit next to her mother and stroke her sister's soft skin.  They did all the newborn testing right in the room a little while after that.  I was so happy to have the chance to actually check out a newborn, up close and personal.  When my own babies were born they were whisked away from me. Just across the room, but I didn't get to see anything.  I held Abigail and explained what the white, waxy coating was, why there was a little dried blood on the baby, and -------the umbilical cord.  Abigail was VERY ALARMED that something was wrong!  So I explained that she had had one just like that when she was born.  So had Mommy, and I, and, well, everyone who had ever been born.

"No, honey, your baby sister's inside will NOT leak out of that thing on her stomach...."

It wasn't too long until we left for the evening to spend it watching Disney movies and making frozen pizzas and pre-made cookie dough.  My own Beautiful Redhead came with us and it was pure heaven.

The next morning, when I was doing my hair under the close scrutiny of Abigail, she looked at me with those big blue eyes and pronounced "You have Dora hair."  Dang if I don't!  LOL   4 year old's have such clarity and honesty, who could ever resist them?  Want to know what's going on?  Ask a 4 year old, but only if you really want to know.

The next day Abigail got to hold her baby sister, and shortly after that, the entire family was able to go home.

Two happy sisters!

Their first good look at one another.  Alone at last!  There are things I need to you to know!!

Let's roll, folks.  I got all dressed up and everything.........

Everyone is doing very well.  Her mother reports that Abigail firmly announces "It's my turn" every time anyone holds the baby, and that "baby sister" has quickly replaced "Mommy" as the center of Abigail's world.

............................Told ya!

Mission accomplished.  Note "Dora hair" ;D

Anticipation....

Regardless of recent world events, this is not a post about anticipating the end of the world.  I know, that's a surprise, isn't it?  Well, the way I look at it, if the world ends, it will be God's will, and the end of the world will find me steadily doing what I believe is right and true for me to be doing.  And who can do better than that?  What better way to go?  I can't think of a better way, so bring it on.  Whatever will be, will be.

How this world will continue to hold on, with 1/2 of it crazy and wanting to kill the other 1/2 and the other 1/2  unsure of how to go on with their lives, depending on who the new judge for American Idol will be, I really do not know.  I just tell myself that God is in control and we are going to have to bear whatever He gives us next, and continue to do what is in front of me.  I choose to believe this.  Anything less would leave me cowering under my covers, unable to leave my bed.  Nice as that would be for me, it would leave a pretty big hole in the world for the people who depend on me, so that is not an option I choose to take.

What is in front of me right now, besides the end of the world as we know it, of course, is the arrival of a new baby.  Yes, we're going to have a baby!!!!   Well, not "us", exactly, but my bonus daughter, who is the closest I have been able to get to a new baby in a while.  

My bonus daughter is due to deliver a new baby girl, if not this weekend, early next week.  Poor mama has been walking, eating pineapple, and doing various things that may or may not be superstitious, trying to get this show on the road.  So far, the new baby is having none of it.  I already admire this new baby's sense of herself.  I always do admire a woman who simply refuses to be hurried, as long as she is also able to jump into action at a moment's notice.  I don't expect to be disappointed.  I just don't.  I choose to believe, it's what I do.

In order to prepare, and wait without calling my bonus daughter and driving her stark raving mad with questions, I have had the boys helping me clean, move furniture, wash curtains, etc.  The boys are less than thrilled, but I must say, they are big enough now to make quick work of moving furniture.  Not to even mention taking down curtains!  I guess it's my version of nesting.  Or maybe I'm having my own rush of energy before the baby comes.  All I can say is that cleaning goes a lot faster with a crew, just in case you are one of those people who plan everything and only want 2 children.  It's up to you, of course, but think long and hard about how you are going to get everything done without a crew.  My sense is that you will never regret having a crew.  Just sayin.  hahahaha

Once the crew and I get the house all back together, my bag is packed and I am ready to report for duty.  My duty will be the best for my role, I think.  My duty will be to go through the early part of labor with my bonus daughter.  I am prepared to feed her ice chips, make small talk or make no talk, as I can remember getting extremely rude with my own loved ones (poor dears) in various stages of labor.  I am prepared to take hurled abuse without one blink of either of my eyes. I am prepared for all manner of natural bodily fluids to be spewed and think nothing of it.  Motherhood prepares you best for this, in my opinion.   I am prepared to massage her, balance her on a big ball, walk with her, and wait......wait........wait.......all while appearing as this is just the most normal thing in the world.  It actually is the most normal thing in the world, and I am so very excited to get to be involved without being the one having the baby!! I can do this, gladly!   Once she gets closer to the actual delivery, I get to switch places with her husband and go home to my sweet little pretend grand baby and spend some time with her and then bring her to the hospital to meet her new sister.  Isn't that just the most wonderful thing you ever heard?

I am so honored and happy about this I am just about to burst!  I cannot put into words how proud I am of this girl, who is now a wife and about to become the mother of two little girls.  She has grown up so much in the last few years that I have wondered at what age we really become adults.  It's rarely at 18, I have noticed, it can come as young as 12, too, depending on what life throws at you, but I think it is most often after you become a parent, whenever that may be.

Until then we are hardwired to think only of ourselves, and that is perfectly natural and fine, as long as it's just us.  But throw a new little life that you are responsible for, and the growing up starts and probably never really stops.  I thought I was grown up after I had my kids, but I have continued to learn and still don't feel like I'm completely done.  Maybe we never are.  After all, if I was really grown up I probably would have bought a common sense gift of diapers to bring with me, but instead I opted for a LED light with a rock water fountain that will "gently light" the room and changes colors. You also get to hear "the soothing sounds of running water", and it will double quite nicely as a night light.  I don't even know who it's for, yet.  I guess whoever likes it better, my bonus daughter or my pretend grand baby.

I have listened to my bonus daughter worry about how it will affect my pretend grand baby, when the new baby is here.  I have remembered feeling that same way.  But now I already know the answer.  The answer is that you are NOT taking anything away from the first baby.  You are GIVING them the world.  Their role in the family and their perceptions of themselves are about to be expanded and varied.  And I might add, they are going to be so very proud and impressed with themselves in it. It will build their confidence and bring joy (and irritation) to their lives that will never stop (or will have to dealt with).  Of course, sibling rivalry and possessiveness are on their way too, but without these things, a child would never learn a lot about how to get along in the world or how to stand up for themselves, let alone anyone else.  Every one's life is about to change, forever, and after this, we will-hard pressed to even remember back before we had this new child in our lives.

I can't wait, but I must.  At least a few more days.  Just remember, as you worry about the world ending, that there is joy, too, to be found.  You just have to find it and nurture it along a little.  It may not change a thing in the world, but it can change the way you feel about the world.  It can help a lot.  

Quick!  Go find the nearest baby and hold it, smell it, let your soul feel the peace that comes with that little weight that may seem to be all that anchors you in this messed-up world. Look into it's eyes.  Especially with newborns, I always get the strongest sense that they already know everything, without being emotionally attached to this world as of yet.  I always wonder how I stack up in their estimation.  Of course, I never find out, but that does not lessen the experience that they give me one bit.  I think you will feel yourself feeling like maybe you can do a little more, try a little harder or longer, give up and make do, reuse and recycle and all that good stuff.  You will feel better and the world, whether you know it or not, will be a little better.  If there is a scale for the world, with good things on one side and bad things on the other, the balance will tip with 1 thing.  Lots of little good things may help balance out a big bad thing.  We don't know.  At least, I don't.  Just think about that and never give up, because slow and steady has won many races.  Probably all of the races that really matter.

Wish us luck and a safe delivery.  A speedy delivery would be too much to ask for, no use tempting fate.  Everything in it's own good time, as (I think) this new little jewel is already teaching us.  We all have so much to learn from her.  It will be a wonderful journey, this is what I choose to believe.