Prayers

Jan 7, 2012

Medicate, schmedicate......

Even though it is January and still not winter yet, I have a plan.

My great uncle, Wayne (Dobby) Hamilton, at the end of his life, recorded tapes for our family of his life.  Just what he remembered, little stories we would have never known if he hadn't taken the time to record them.

He did these tapes before his death in 1999.  They were recorded on cassette tapes, and we all made copies and laughed and cried as we heard about who we really were.  Then we all put them up and kind of forgot about them.

For Christmas, my brother, who is pretty quiet and does not often talk about emotion, (this runs in our family, on the Hooker side ;)) made me another copy of these tapes.  True to form, without a word he handed me the one thing that no one else could and that meant more to me than anything else I can imagine.  I believe his exact words were "No big deal.  But I can't find tape #3".  This caused a ripple effect throughout Missouri as me, my aunt and my uncle all started searching through our boxes of memorabilia for the elusive tape # 3, which beckoned to us like a mermaid to a sailor over the waves. Going through your boxes is a good thing to do at least every 5 years, especially if you don't move.  You might want to block out some time, as about 2 hours in you will have torn apart your attic/basement/garage/closet and the entire room will be laid in piles that you will not want disturbed for (possibly) quite some time.  You will not be able to call that progress, but you will justify it in the name of History.  You will be doing the right thing.  Get busy.

So happy and excited was I that I dared listening to them again, even without Tape # 3 .  This time I took notes, and it quickly became obvious to me that these tapes needed to be put down word for word in permanent form.

I found a man here in town, a musician and sound man, to put these tapes on CD for me and am going to transcribe them.  If you have anything like this, I strongly urge you to contact John Thomas Productions in Brookfield, Mo.  You can find him on facebook.  I cannot tell you what it will mean to you to have it in a form that you will be able to keep safe for generations to come.

Today I got the elusive tape # 3 from my aunt Linda (way to be a pack rat Aunt Linda!!) and dropped it off along with the family tree that my grandmother completed in the 1970's to be put on a CD also, and picked up the CD's of the tapes we have so far.  I have them downloaded onto my computer and am going to start transcribing them word for word.  I also have a rubber trunk full of old pictures that have come to me down through the generations.  Mostly, I must say, because no one else was interested and not even polite enough to pretend to be interested.  That is all right.  That is actually normal.  In my experience you have to raise a couple of kids before you start to care who you are, let alone wonder where you came from.  This is called "maturing" and it will happen to you, probably in your 40's, but I personally believe everyone has their own time line for this.  It's all written out in God's plan for your life.  You will have to take my word for this.

This brings me to the MEDICATION headline for this post.

There is a tendency in this country to over medicate ourselves, in my opinion.  There is also a malady called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD.  It's real.  I have it and so do other member's of my family.  It's from not getting enough Vitamin D, that's what the Doctor will tell you.  Anyone else will tell you that winter is very hard and depressing to get through.  It is all the same thing.  They make medication for it and I do not fault anyone for taking anything that helps them, as long as they have paid close attention to the side effects.

However, it occurs to me that everybody is "depressed" because we have such easy lives now.  With all these scenes from the depression running through my mind, it occurs to me that depression is something that is actually a luxury to have.  Don't you think that during The Great Depression people were "depressed"?  "PROBABLY!"  the voice in my head yells, "But when you are spending all your energies on just surviving another day, they didn't really have the TIME to be "depressed"".  Believe it or not, it was about the least of their worries.  Were there some alcoholics?  Oh hell yes!  But the point is, depressed or drunk, they still got up every day and did what they had to do.  They did not have the option of being "depressed".  Good thing they didn't or we may never have gotten as far as we have in this country.

I think the voice in my head is dead on.  With 4 children I have always said that I had a nervous breakdown with my name on it, and as soon as I got time I was going to take it.  I was serious, but guess what?  As usual, God had other plans, and since I didn't ever find the time to have the nervous breakdown because every day I had exactly what I needed to do right in front of me, what do you know?  I made it.  I made it without having a nervous breakdown.  This is partly because of my practically famous stubborn streak, and I am sinfully proud of it, and I think I have the right to be.  It has always worked for me.  "Work" has always worked for me, and it turns out that this may indeed be in my genes.  You are going to be amazed at what my ancestor's lived through, and I am pretty certain you will be surprised what yours lived through too, once you start digging.  Get busy!  This is how people survived before they made a pill for that!!

There is a pill for everything now.  Please, please pay close attention to those side effects.  They can kill you.    I'm pretty sure this is actually the plan now, so that trial lawyers can glean huge settlements after you die, giving every person who is still living $29.95 each, while the trail lawyers made several million dollars.  No, I am not paranoid.  Check it out.  You will be disillusioned and possible terrified, but you will no doubt live long enough to be both of those things as long as you take the bait.  

I think our world has had it so easy for so long that we have forgotten how to be tough and keep going.  I think this is NOT an aspect that we can survive without.  I don't blame us, but I think we have almost forgotten why we have been so lucky.  I mean, everybody has a house.  We flip a switch and have light.  Hot water has been taken for granted for, what, a hundred years?  There is central heating and air.  We could all donate at least 100 pounds of clothes or household goods and NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.  Are we lucky or what?  It takes a lot of nerve to be "depressed" when you think of it this way.  Start thinking, and you can just go right ahead and count your blessings, because you have a lot, especially if you live in America.  If you travel to other countries, you already know this.  If you don't travel to other countries, take my word for it.  Or go ahead and travel, just be prepared to be "depressed" and there could be a fair amount of shame there too, because you did not even know you had it so good.

Look around at the old people you know.  Have you ever noticed how long most farmers live?  I think they live so long because the have to GET UP, every single day, rain, shine, blizzard, whatever (!) and keep going.  They have no choice, and this gets them through.  Staying in bed is not an option they would ever consider unless they are so sick they cannot get out of bed.  This is the key, I think, just do not entertain any other notion, because once you let yourself get down, somebody will probably take care of you and while you may need that for short periods, if you don't hang on to your will to be independent, you just may not have that option anymore.  By then you will be on a pill, which may or may not help, and if you give up they will keep you on those pills, plus more, and it just goes downhill from there.  When I die, I plan for it to be from natural causes, which to me will be God's will.  With medicine these days, it is unclear to me where the line between science and God's will is, so I just try to avoid science (!) whenever possible, whatever "science" has come to mean these days.  You need to be an investigative reporter to figure that out, and I have other things to do.

So, this year, if winter ever gets here, and I am sure it will, I have a plan.  I am going to be transcribing my family history and putting it together and scanning pictures until I doubt I will even know it's winter unless I go outside.  It's my plan, and I'm sticking to it. 

Yeah, I'm stubborn, it's the way God made me, plus I come from a long line of fiercely loyal and independent people, who no matter how hard things got, kept on a keepin' on.  In the end I think it's all anyone can do.  Good luck, and get busy!! Your kids will need to know this someday and you may not still be here to tell them the good stuff!! 

Dec 31, 2011

The Violent (though natural) Death of 2011

Gadzooks!

Oh my dear God. 

 I just got the dogs fed and my second cup of coffee and went out to my front porch to see how nice it is today. It's been about 50 degrees here and that's about 30 degrees warmer than normal: SCORE!

So I go outside, I drink coffee, I am looking around thinking it's going to be another gorgeous day, and I notice I hear Cardinals making their peeping noise.  A lot of Cardinals.  I think how cool this is.  Before it can cross my mind that the peeping noise is their alarm sound (oh, sweet obliviousness of early Saturday morning!), three of them fly over my house from behind me, all peeping, in the direction of the house across the street.   They were beautiful!  At this time my face had a smile, and I was thinking what a wonderful way to start the last day of this horrifying but never boring year.

Swiftly following this millisecond of peace, a small hawk flew right after them, two soared over the neighbor's house and on past, but one got caught up under the eave of the neighbor's front porch.  The hawk dove right after it.  At this point, my face had a horrified, wide eyed stare.  I was already telling myself that the hawk was a good, strong hawk, who was just hungry, and his amazing hunting skills were being displayed for me in all their glory, while at the same time the peeping got worse, and that hawk did not kill that beautiful, violently peeping bird for what seemed like a long time, but was probably only about 5 seconds.

At this point my face had a resigned, sad, kind of mad look because I knew the bird was not going to get away, that this was that bird's day to take it's place in the circle of life, but for God's sake hawk, FINISH IT!

The hawk did.  I couldn't make myself look away.  There was a mantra repeating in my brain that went something like "this is life.  this is natural.......this is life.......this is natural........"  and that was all.

During this time it occurred to me that I should film this but didn't have my phone with me.  During this time it occurred to me that this may be a sign.  Of what, I remain unsure.

This is what I have boiled it down to:

1) What you thought was a magical moment quickly turned into a hard but perfectly natural event in the life of any animal, and you were severely disappointed to have to witness it.

2) Illusions have a cost.  Not that they aren't worth it, just sayin.

3) Reality must be faced and dealt with.  There really is no time off from that.  You can run, but you can't hide.

4)  I am so glad that this year is over.  It has been one violent shock after another, I swear!  

I am speaking politically and, I believe, for the entire world, here.  Honestly, I cannot ever remember, in my entire life, being sad to see any year go, and that probably says a lot more about the age I am getting to be than my actual life, but I am actually looking forward to 2012.  

Whether I am just believing in the illusion that things will get better, or just standing on the cusp of another violent death (metaphorically ((I hope)) speaking) I am ready to get it over with.  

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, here we go and come what may, 2012 is upon us.

Now I have to deal with the reality of getting in the shower and going out to buy groceries.  In between those two things I will probably go over and clean up a bunch of gorgeous feathers out of my neighbor's driveway.  Unless the cats in the neighborhood have kicked in by that time, you really can't deny that everything in nature works together for the same good cause.  

Let's hope that humankind can find some illusions they are willing to pay the cost for in this coming year.

God Bless us all..........


Dec 26, 2011

Being Home.....

There is no time sweeter to me than Christmas these days, simply because that's the only time all my kids are ever home at the same time anymore.  

I never thought much about it when they were all home and I felt like I was drowning in kids all those years, and the quiet is welcome, but every once in a while, this old house takes on the rhythmic routine of days gone by. It's like being able to go into the past, only everybody is older now.  There is none of the anxiety that hounded me for so long.  For decades I was stressed over things not being "good enough".  Now I find comfort in the fact that nothing can hurt this house.  We have seen it all, from bees in the walls to fountains of water pouring out of the wall in the shower. I am telling the truth when I say that it would take a doozy to throw us off now.  We have practically been through basic training with this house.   I like it much better this way.

 For the past few days I have:

     - spent the majority of time in my pajama's or an apron, or both.

     - met one or the other of my older "children" coming in at 4 am, and not been upset with them for missing a curfew.

     - visited with my pretend daughter and noticed that of all the people in the house, no one said a word or remarked in any way when my pretend grand baby serenaded us with her version of a song on the piano.  Not too loudly and not for too long.  I was so proud nobody told her to stop.  We are a mellow crew at my house, I am inordinately proud of this.

      - felt the boys trying to gauge how awake their sister is, trying to make the choice between sleeping a little later or getting in the shower before their sister, as there is a long wait for hot water after girlfriend gets done.

     - heard the voice inside my head ask "are you really listening to your brother and your son have a seemingly casual conversation about AR's, which I am pretty dang sure are assault rifles, and both of them sound pretty knowledgeable?" and answered the voice inside my head "Yes......yes, yes I am."  and then smiled.  We are a family who can protect ourselves and those we love or are prepared to die trying.  I am most definitely proud of that.

       - divided up left over ham while my sons bring a table into the house by way of taking off the back door, and then the weather stripping, until they achieved success and kept me from having to turn around and sell a great table and benches that I bought second hand.  Without measuring my doors or the top of the solid tabletop, just in case that was not self explanatory. ;)  I have raised men who rise to a challenge, not to mention perform miracles with nothing more than a pipe fitter's wrench, a tape measure, and 7 flat head screwdrivers of varying lengths.  What a relief.

      - watched while wringing my hands as my sons tried and failed to get the old table down the stairs, as the "new" table would not possibly fit down the basement stairs.  This did not deter them either.  We just switched out the sets and now I can do puzzles on the table in the basement while my youngest baby plays video games with his friends and asks me to "please do not be a part of this conversation, Mom".  Something tells me this could be a game changer.  The basement has been forsaken by me for several years, for reasons having to do with testosterone and dog hair.  No more.  Muahahahahahahahahahaha.

    - watched one of my mother's dearest friends see the Rock Star's tattoo, (which is his grandmother's name right over his heart), tear up, hug him and say "I am so proud of you", which is pretty much the same thing that I did when he showed me, and the LAST thing I ever could imagine saying when presented with any of my children's first tattoo............of which I had adamantly insisted there would never be any "as long as I live".........  I can eat crow like nobody's business, having had quite a lot of practice over the years.  I think I have learned that you just never know what a day will bring, but that it will probably be all right, whatever that is.  I needed that.

       - comforted and reassured my sister in law that it really wasn't a problem that my nephew left the door open and the dog ran in with big muddy paw prints all over the kitchen, because a) This happens all the time!  Really! and b) I bought a carpet cleaner for this exact reason!  You know those commercials where the kids make a terrible mess and the mom just smiles and says "that's OK" in a sing songy voice?  Well, I am now that mom.  It took 22 years and a Bissell but baby, I am finally there and I have to say, it feels good!  It really is OK!!

      **It should be said that if you want to be "that mom", (and you do!!  Trust me, you do!!)  you should be very careful not to replace your carpet or fix anything that happens to your walls for a couple of decades.  This process will erode the part of you that cares about your house looking "good".  This is crucial, not to mention freeing.    At the end of the 20 years, you will not give one single flying flip about another stain on the carpet, OR another hole in the wall, for that matter.  I didn't say it would be easy, I said it would be WORTH IT.  In other words, give up now, give up and relax and just enjoy those kids while they are still there.  The other stuff you can fix or remodel later, or not........ 

I hope you had a great Christmas and some down time to just "be home".  It isn't easy to accomplish in today's world.  You have to really make your priorities count.  And if you are one of those people who are still caught up in getting everything perfect?  Give it up, now, while there is still time.  If you can't drop everything and have a child, at least borrow one for a while, or get a dog.  There is still time to save yourself.  I have often said of children, "they save us".  They really do, not in ways you would recognize as "saving" at the time.  It's in the looking back that you see how the hardest  things were the best things, in the end, and marvel that you wouldn't trade them for anything.

It's nice to be reminded of that once in a while, even at 4 am.

To my kids, you did a really good job with me.  Thanks!